November 2005 Archives

Fascinating, Captain

Some epiphanies are so tremendously huge, they can't even be fully understood by he who haveth said epiphany.

I give you mine...

Is it mere coincidence that Greg, the LEADER of the Wiggles himself, is in yellow??? And how much more proof can I possibly give you that Jeff is the worst?

Make of this what you will. I must rest. Epiphanies are a tiring thing.

The Sneeze Mailbag

Greetings, all. As predicted the Steve, Don't Eat It! isn't ready yet. But in the meantime, I did receive this lovely food-related email...

Hi, I love your site. I hate my job and your site has provided hours of fun entertaining time wasting!

I drew this today on my lunchbreak, inspired by my favorite one of your son's jokes. It's colored with Curry Chicken.


Thanks, Kirk!

brains on my mind

On November 16th NPR ran an audio documentary called "My Lobotomy." It's the chilling story of a 56-year-old man named Howard Dully and his journey to find out why he was given a barbaric "ice-pick lobotomy" at the age of 12. A shocking 8-minute operation performed in the doctor's office.

This quickie form of lobotomy was pioneered by Dr. Walter Freeman in 1946 and became fairly popular until it faded out in the late 50s.

I have been haunted by this story since I read and heard it a couple of weeks ago. (You can find both the written story and the audio mp3 here.) In fact, I think yesterday was the first day this man's story didn't cross my mind.

This morning I received an innocent email from a reader that included a picture of a bizarre toy. It's from the makers of "Operation."

I guess I won't be forgetting about gruesome homemade brain surgery for awhile. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

(Thanks, Barb and Joe Ho!)

Just Between Us Girls Again

A couple of weeks ago I posted an article written by my buddy Anthony for a now defunct webzine we started in the mid-90s. For this feature Anthony had agreed to try out products intended for women and review them.

I found the 2nd installment, so once again from 1997-ish straight to you...

The times they are a-changing. More chicks are smoking cigars and the ladies of the WNBA are cheered on by hundreds of fans. That's great, we just want to keep things equal.

So while women explore worlds previously dominated by men, Anthony walks on the softer side - sampling products intended only for feminine consumption.

* * * * *

Ah, SECRET, the ultimate challenge in my little gender-bending experiment. Sure, it's made for a woman, but is it really "strong enough for a man," as the fine folks at Proctor and Gamble so cleverly boast?

I decided to challenge P&G's bravado by testing Secret in the toughest environment I could think of -- a November bar crawl in Midtown Manhattan. Hot, crowded bars, lots of alcohol, and plenty of encounters with members of the opposite sex. Surely, if SECRET could hold up under these conditions it would get my seal of approval.

After showering, I toweled off, careful to remove any moisture from the normally murky quagmires that are my armpits. When I had reached optimum dryness, I opened the SECRET and prepared to apply it. The packaging, much like that of NEET, was decidedly feminine. The bottle itself was shaped in such a way as to hint at a woman's figure. And the color itself was a pale blue pastel, though it was absent of the pink that usually seeps onto anything positioned as feminine.

I took off the cap and was somewhat frightened by the dry, roller ball apparatus that sat eagerly at the top of the bottle. Surely, this dry ball would snag some of my underarm hair when I tried to roll it on. But because I'm tough as nails, and I'll do anything for this webzine -- I went ahead and began rolling it on.

It was wet and slimy, leaving an uncomfortable, slippery feeling on my underarms for over an hour. Once the sliminess went away, however, I was ready to tackle the challenge of the Midtown bar crawl scene.

We arrived in Manhattan and had to walk about 15 blocks in the frigid, late November air. This would be the ultimate test -- walking quickly in the cold, then repairing to the warmth of the first bar. When we got to the first bar, it was packed with drunks, and I immediately removed my coat because of the heat. This change in temperature made me sweat profusely on my forehead. But alas, my underarms stayed dry. Even the sliminess did not return. But the most important thing of all, was that I still smelled like the stallion I aspire, (or perspire) to be. Strong enough for a man, indeed.

DOES IT WORK FOR A MAN: You're damn right it does. In fact, I am proud to say that it has made its way into my regular rotation. More accurately, SECRET has become sort of like the relief pitcher in my deodorant bullpen, when I'm running out of the more manly stuff, and I need some protection in the clutch. The only thing keeping me from using it on a regular basis is the slimy undercoating I have to endure for the first hour after application. Still, SECRET gets my unequivocal thumbs up. As for the age-old question of whether SECRET is in fact, PH balanced, well...I'll leave that up to some other brave soul. I ain't sticking litmus paper in any orifice of my body, thank you very much.

I've spoken to Anthony, and he is happy to do more of these again. If you have any product suggestions, let me know.

Fresh Robots 'N' Donuts

Eric Joyner, creator of my beloved Final Blow, has just completed a new batch of paintings for a gallery show in Monterey, CA that starts tonight.

Here's a little peek at some of of the new paintings. I think they are among his finest to date.

If you're interested in purchasing the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot sniffing the flower, too late. It's mines.

CLICK on each one for a better view.

* * *

* * *

For more info on Eric's awesome art check out his site right here.

You can find more info on this particular gallery show here.

A Stress-Free Holiday Season

The holidays are creeping up, and that means all the pressure and headaches of buying presents for your loved ones.

Lucky for you, this is where The Sneeze steps in. Consider this site your one stop shopping source to find presents for even the most picky and annoying of friends.

There's definitely no need to wait until the last minute to start your holiday shopping, so here's 9 books that contain the word "pants"...


Super-artist Nishant Choksi has created this insanely great Steve, Don't Eat It! logo. I love it so much I want to make out with my monitor.

He also whipped up a few other neat items for me to stick on that fork.

Please check out all of Nishant's fantastic art right here.

(You know I'm slow with these, but I'm trying to have a new SDEI up for Thanksgiving.)


I think the Wonder Twins invented the knuckle dap.

They don't seem to get any credit for this.

Form of: poor bastards.


If you're lucky, there comes a point in a relationship when you can quietly enjoy something together without feeling the need to ruin the moment with words.

I've been doing this site for awhile now, and I like to think you and I are at that point.

This is a new cereal from Kellogg's, designed to look like swirls of chocolate.

I'll talk to you later.

(Thanks, Mike.)

the one that got away

If you'll indulge me, at times I like to post stories that I feel are important, or at least offer a little more culture and insight than you normally find here...

One day when my wife was pregnant and not feeling her best, I blasted out a really vile one right next to her. (By the way, this may not be the best example of one of those "important" stories I was referring to earlier.)

While my personal pollution hung in the air, we sat in silence until my wife put her hand over her mouth and said, "I think I'm going to throw up." Then she ran into the bathroom and shut the door.

This was not one of my proudest moments, but I actually stood in the hallway outside the bathroom thinking, "Oh, please throw up. Oh please. Even just a little."

I felt bad for her, but also realized this had the potential to be the greatest fart story of all time. From there on in, anytime the topic came up among my friends and they were laughing and bragging about some horrible creation of theirs, it would always come back to: "Yeah, but Steve made his wife puke."

After a couple of minutes the bathroom door opened. "Are you okay?" I asked, with great sincerity.

"I'm fine. I didn't throw up," she said. "Even though I know you wanted me to, you ass."

I tried to make this happen a few more times during the pregancy, but she never did get sick.

In retrospect, it wasn't the nicest thing to do-- I mean, if she really loved me, she didn't have to try so hard to keep it down.

Just Between Us Girls

I was poking around in an old hard drive and came across something that made me smile.

Long before The Sneeze, I had started a webzine with two buddies back in 1996. One of the features was called "Just Between Us Girls" where my friend Anthony agreed to try out products intended for women and review them.

I think we only did two of these segments, so here's the first one. From 1996 straight to you...

The times they are a-changing. More chicks are smoking cigars and the ladies of the WNBA are cheered on by hundreds of fans. That's great, we just want to keep things equal.

So while women explore worlds previously dominated by men, Anthony walks on the softer side - sampling products intended only for feminine consumption.

* * * * *

I woke up Sunday morning at 9:30 and decided to try out the Neet. On my face.

Opening the bottle, I passed it by my prodigious nose and thought it had a somehwat feminine bouquet, in fact it smelled quite nice. I had shaved the night before and woke up Sunday morning with the equivalent of a five o'clock shadow.

Following the directions on the bottle I started by applying a small amount to an area below my left cheekbone, under my chin. I left it on for the required 15 minutes, which was tough, because I'm a guy, and guys don't wait fifteen minutes for anything. I knew, no matter how good this product was, I couldn't fully adopt it into my daily routine because of this 15 minute requirement. My entire morning routine barely takes 10 minutes, so Neet was already starting with a disadvantage.

After suffering through this quarter of an hour, I removed the Neet by washing throroughly with lukewarm water as directed. Sure enough, the area of skin treated by Neet was now as smooth as a baby's bottom -- with no side effects! So I decided to try it on the rest of my face.

I lathered up my whole face this time, and watied another fifteen minutes. This was a tougher wait because I could feel my cheeks flaring up and I started to smell like those beauty salons my mom used to drag me to while she got her permanent. I ran to the bathroom and washed to stuff from my face. Surprisingly, almost all the hair was still there. Then I washed my face with scented soap and the beauty salon smell still lingered. To be blunt - I stunk! I washed again and nothing. After about a half hour my face felt really raw and I ran to the mirror to see my cheeks enflamed and rosy. I was "glowing" in the same way that a pregnant woman does, only this hurt.

At around 11am I left my apartment to go visit my parents. On the way I stopped at a record store, and picked up a few CD's. Walking from the store to my car, I was accosted by a 19 year old male who wanted me to buy him beer at a nearby market. I tried to get out of it and finally did when he said, "Dude, YOU SMELL WEIRD!" and walked off. No joke. The Neet may not have done much for my stubble, but it got me out of an awkward situation. Unfortunately the smell stayed for the rest of the day.

DOES IT WORK FOR A MAN: That depends on how you define "work" and "man", and unfortunately I have little understanding of the true definition of either of those words. If I was to recommend it to a man I would say, "Be careful! You don't want to smell like a beauty salon, do you?" Then I would suggest using it sparingly, perhaps only to remove those hairs that a typical safety razor just can't get to. Isolate the tough spots and only use it there. If you subtract the smell and the flared up cheeks, I suppose it would make a good supplement to a traditional shave.

I may need to pull Anthony out of retirement on these. They're pretty fun.

Magic Rocks: The Movie

You guys are the best.

In case you had any doubt, it was proven once again when uber Sneeze reader Josh sent me a time-lapse movie of the Magic Rocks webcast only a few minutes after it was over.

I uploaded the entire large file to Google Videos, but it's taking forever to actually go live, so in the meantime I have a compressed version of it.

As far as time-lapse movies go, this one is definitely flawed. The lighting changes a lot, the camera moves around, reflections come and go, but overall it's still pretty interesting. And not one frame of me scratching myself, just out of view. (Your view, not mine. I could totally see the scratching.)


Magic Rocks LIVE


Thanks to everybody who stopped by. The Magic Rocks were a little tricky to light, especially since the water was cloudy, but overall I think it went pretty well. I'll definitely try another webcam experiment in the near future.

I'll try to stitch the whole thing into a time-lapse movie sometime later in the week.

* * *

Today at 11 am PST (2 PM EST) I'll try to grow the Magic Rocks live via webcam.

I really don't know what to expect now because the back of the package said the rocks grow in 30 minutes and the pamphlet inside says it takes 6 hours, along with a bunch of other jibber jabber and extra instructions that were just getting on my nerves.

Nevertheless, I'll give it a shot. We'll consider it a test for future webcam experiments.

The Sneeze Cam can be found right here.

The webcam page will automatically refresh every 20 seconds. If you get a missing picture box at first, just try letting the page sit for a minute and see if it corrects itself.

It should go live at 11 AM PST. I may post an update or two about it here on the main page later today.


Powered by Movable Type 4.24-en

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from November 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

October 2005 is the previous archive.

December 2005 is the next archive.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.