September 2005 Archives

Have You Seen This Woman?


Here is a sketch of the fungus thief based on my wife's description. (If you have no clue what this is about, it sort of started here.)

The Tree Brain Bandit may be armed with a kitchen knife or a piece of yellow paper. She walks quickly and likes to act at night. She may have mushroom-breath.

The suspect was last seen wearing a white bucket hat and eating things off my tree.

She is wanted for 1 (one) count of brain-napping and 1 (one) count of defacing historic and silly internet landmarks.

This suspect should be considered weird and hungry.

(Thanks, Mark!)


I came home last night to discover the tree brain was GONE!!! STOLEN!!!! I'm not fucking around, someone really took it.

My wife had been periodically checking on it all day long and keeping an eye out for the mysterious woman with the yellow paper from Friday. As the sun was going down yesterday, it was still there.

The perpetrator waited to make their move UNDER CLOAK OF DARKNESS! It's lunacy! What kind of world are we living in?!!

The less-than-spectacular assistant brain on the roots is still there, but really, who cares? We all know that one wasn't the star of this year's show. It was like the fungal understudy.

If this lady comes back again next year to try and eat Treebrain 2006, I have a plan. Every day I'm secretly going to spit on it.

So, at least we'll have that.

(You can read more about the brain's identity here.)

Treebrain Update and INTRIGUE!

An interesting new development in Treebrain 2005. My wife spotted suspicious activity around our brain. I'll let her describe the events...

It was 4:48 on a sunny afternoon this past Friday. I was in the kitchen, making dinner, and I had a clear view out to the tree brain from a front window. En route to the stove, holding a pot full of water, I caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of my eye. It was a woman holding a yellow piece of paper. She stopped at the tree brain to examine it. Then I watched in amazement and horror as she pinched off a piece and ate it!

I quickly put the pot of water down, and was headed out the door to talk to her, but she hurried off with her curious piece of paper. (Was she taking notes??) She walked quickly up the block, and we have not seen her again.

At first I thought she might be a tree surgeon working for the city, but then she tasted it and I decided she was just a freak.

I promised Steve (because he made me) that if she comes back, I'll take pictures of her in the act.

Thank you, sweetie. But let me shed some light on who this person was. We're dealing with one of 3 things here:

- stalky Sneeze fan
- top secret government agent
- Taliban

Probably all 3. I'll keep you posted.

Here is a shot of the damage caused by the interloper. I've highlighted the stolen chunk.

Click here for a better view.

Catchin' Cows!


I've absorbed quite a bit of train knowledge from the avalanche of train videos my son watches. Now that you know this, I'm sure you're all wondering, "Steve, what's your favorite train part?"

Quite frankly, I think that's a little forward and odd of you, but whatever...

My favorite train part is officially:


It's this pointy beast mounted on the front of the engine, and it's designed to prevent train wrecks caused by cows wandering onto the tracks.

I would desperately love to see one of these things delicately "catch" a cow out of harm's way-- as the train barrels down the tracks at 70 miles per hour.

As wonderful as the name is, here's a few more alternates that I'm hoping catch on...

- The Burger Maker

- The Cow Popper

- The Moo-tilater

Got another name? The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

Tree Brain 2005!

Look who's back...

Back again...

Brain is back...

With a friend!

Old school readers of The Sneeze will remember the annual brain that grows on the tree in front of my house from 2003 and 2004.

This year's brain was late enough that I thought he might not show at all, but he had a surprise. Not only is he back in his old spot, but he brought a friend down by the roots.

I'm not going to update the progress day-by-day this time, but I'll take pics every day and put them all up at the end of the brain cycle. You can see a big ol' beautiful close-up right here.

(And pretty please don't email asking me to eat the brain. Despite all the requests, it's not gonna happen. But I should have a new Steve, Don't Eat It up by next week, if that's any consolation.)

thanks, germans!

A huge pet peeve of mine of mine is when I'm at a stop sign waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street, and they don't pick up the pace. It infuriates me. (My other pet peeve is what a douche I sound like using the phrase "pet peeve.")

All I ask is the people crossing the street show a little hustle when they know there's a car wating on them. I know they don't have to, but I would like it because the rage I feel while they saunter along is going to give me a coronary.

I'd even be happy with the Coach's Trot-- you see that in sports when the players are all running to their lockers, and the fat old coach just moves his arms around to make it "look" like he's running.

I bring all this up because I keep seeing a commerical for the new VW Passat. In it, two guys are playing football on the street and one of them goes long, dives to catch the ball and lands hard on the hood of a Passat. He then rolls off to the ground, unhurt.

The announcer goes on to talk about Passat's new "Front-End Pedestrian Saftey System" which apparently makes it safer if you hit somebody. This is the best news ever. It seems to me this is a license to mow people down at will.

The Passat people are geniuses.

The next time someone is taking too long to cross the street, I can playfully knock their asses across the road for them. Life just keeps getting better. First boobies, then Tivo, now this. Yay!

The Steve cont'd

sent to UPN programming...

Dear UPN,

I have an important business opportunity to discuss with you. Throughout the 90s NBC was the home of the famous haircut. They had it first with "The Rachel," and then later with "The Clooney!" Obviously, I could have written to NBC or CBS first, but I know you are the guys who can make this happen.

Nobody has stepped up in the 00's with a haircut, and that's where you and I team up, come out with "The Steve" and never look back!

Now, I have no idea what The Steve is going to look like, that's up to your crack team of hair people. I'm just the name. Don't worry about me not having a TV show, I have a website. Although, if you think my site would make a good TV show, maybe we could set up some meetings. Like with NBC. No offense.

I'm looking forward to doing business with you guys. Let's get The Steve out there already, so the fine people of this country will have something to clamor for. (It'll be nice to get their minds off all this doom and gloom Katrina stuff.)

The ball is in your court. Let me know how you'd like to proceed. My hairs await the sweet sweet clipping!


P.S. I rarely use conditioner. Don't need to!!!

The Sneeze Mailbag

I only put up those lackluster sports moment shirts a couple of days ago, and some of you lovable goofs have actually been buying them! They've also inspired some great email...

Lackluster Sports Shirts

My son has been wearing this football shirt for awhile. It was only the other day that I realized it actually says "FIELD GOAL" on it.

I respect that. In fact, I love it! Instead of going for the "Touchdown" they played it safe and went for 3.

To expand on this new tradition, I've hunkered down and worked hard for nearly several minutes designing 4 shirts to celebrate more lackluster sports moments, now for sale. (Also in girlie styles!)

You may purchase them all right here.

(And for the love of God, if any of you actually buy one, send me a modelling picture. And if you could be a really hot girl, that would be very swell!)

Actually, I take that back. It would be cool if anybody bought one.

(But if you happen to have a feisty rack and full bee-stung lips, so be it.)

Stupid Pen Tricks

I have a habit of twirling my pen around my thumb and back again. It's something I learned to do in high school, and it's become so second nature that I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it unless someone says something about it.

You can click here to see my dumb pen flipping in action. (You may need to turn off your pop-up blocker.)

I used to think it was kind of neat until I found this site and realized I'm just a pen-spinning hack. I have much to learn.

Uncle Steve's LaffyTime Doodlefest

Bacon Bandage Winners!

Congratulations to Ivy, Aaron, Wolfgang, Sarah, Julie and Robin! They were the 6 winners of the Bacon Bandages in the Tell-A-Friend Contest. (If your name is Ivy, Aaron, Wolfgang, Sarah, Julie or Robin and you did not hear from me already, odds are you didn't win. But don't feel bad, because deep down we're all winners. Or some crap like that.)

Apparently the "World Wide Web" really is "World Wide" considering 3 of the winners are from Austria, France and England. I really am happy you guys won, I just ask that you feel a small degree of guilt for the extra shipping that I now have to pay. But pay it I will!

Thanks so much to everyone who entered. And most importantly, I would like to thank the Archie McPhee company for providing (and inventing!) the bacon bandages in the first place. Please everyone visit them right here to buy yourself some bacon bandages, as well as to check out their incredible selection of novelties and weirdness.

Adam Savage Interview - Part 2

The following is Part Two of my interview with MythBusters co-host: Adam Savage. (If you missed Part One you can find it here.)

In this section Adam and I discuss harsh fan criticism, how long he could survive in a fight with Jamie, the greatest toy ever invented and much more...


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This page is an archive of entries from September 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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