August 2005 Archives

steve's list - missed connections

I've been intrigued by the "missed connections" section on Craigslist since my friend recently read one that was actually to her.

I thought I'd start writing my own list...

steveslist > los angeles > missed connections

how do you like them apples? (Studio City)

ms. kotler's kindergarten class, m4w - 5

Los Feliz, Saturday Night, 8:30 PM, M4W - 29

What the hell happened?! (Silverlake)

Starbucks - NOT m4m!!! (Sherman Oaks)

i need you now - seamonster4missinglink

Earphone Roundup

A few weeks ago I was getting frustrated with the lack of sound quality and comfort in the standard-issue iPod earphones. I posted about it in the Sidebar asking for some suggestions, and I got dozens and dozens of emails on the subject.

People suggested ones they liked, and trashed ones they hated. People suggested ones they never even tried out for themselves. Some people tried out the in-ear "monitors" and felt they went in so deep it actually felt invasive. Others said you get used to that pretty quickly. I also received several requests from readers just wanting to know which ones I settled on.

Needless to say, I'm as confused as ever on the subject, but here a shortened list of the earphones that tended to be recommended the most.

They range in price from about $20 to over $300. I tend to abuse these earphones a bit, so the idea of spending several hundred on them doesn't sound like the best idea for me.

If and when I finally get a new pair and stick them in my ear holes, I'll let you know how it goes.

Philips Surround Sound Earbuds

Sony MDR-EX51LP Fontopia Headphones, White

Etymotic ER6

Etymotic ER-4

Etymotic ER6i

Etymotic ER6iC

Shure E2c Sound Isolating Earphones

Shure E3c Sound Isolating Earphones

Shure E4c Sound Isolating Earphones

There's also tons of info on the subject over at

The Sneeze Mailbag


Here's a couple of emails from you fine fine people...


Today I was thinking. And I thought about meatballs (haha balls, no.) And then I realized they need a better name. "Meatballs" is so obvious, at least say it in another language like "chai" instead of tea.

Maybe you can come up with something. But please, uniqueness!


Meatball Margie,

Off the top of my head, all I have for you is "Steer Spheres." Hopefully the Sneezelings can do better.



I saw in your piece on "Rainbow Parties," you spelled "blow-job" with a hyphen.

For years, my wife Lisa and I have argued whether it should be spelled as one word, "blowjob" or two, "blow job." We had never even consider the hyphen!

I was wondering how your The Sneeze readers might feel on the subject. I'm not interested in what the rules are. I want to know what people think. Should it be "blow job" or "blowjob" or "blow-job?" And why?

-A Reader

Mr. Reader,

It's funny because I don't even remember spelling it with the hyphen.

A quick search shows I also spelled it "blow job" in Steve, Don't Eat It - Breast Milk. So it seems I really have no clue.

I leave it in the hands of the sexual grammarians out there. Should it be with a hyphen, a space, or all one word.

(Along with any new names for Meatballs you might have.)

Adam Savage Interview - Part 1

MythBusters is easily one of my favorite shows on TV. If you've never seen it, hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman use their years of special effects experience to scientifically put urban legends to the test-- and blow up a lot of stuff in the process.

I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Maker of Things and Buster of Myths: Adam Savage. We covered lots of ground including the birth of the show, feeling famous, gay fan mail and lots more...

The following is Part One of our talk...

Adam, why is it so entertaining to watch you get hurt?

(LAUGHING) Well, I think it's a function of exactly why the show is entertaining. Jamie and I are not scientists. We're not experts in any field. But we have a lot of curiosity, and an uncommon ability to really throw ourselves in just about any corner of science, and really seek out what's going on. And when I get hurt, I think people like to watch it because they identify with us. We're not white lab coats, we're not, you know, boring doctors, we're just like anybody else, maybe with a few more skills.

And everyone get hurts when they're building stuff. Even Jamie occasionally. Although, that never ends up on camera.

I think on some perverse level you kind of enjoy it.

Of course! I learned very early on, there's no dignity if you want to be funny on television. Your dignity and your sense of humor are mutually exclusive.

Kid Karma

When you have children you take on many new obligations. Sure, some are big, like remembering to give them some crackers or something. But the little things are important too, like leaving a car window cracked for them when you stop at the bar on hot summer days. (Before you call Child Services, I'm kidding. I usually just park in the shade.)

But one obligation that sneaks up on you is little kid birthday parties. We had some kids, my wife made friends with other people that had kids, and now I have to go little kid birthday parties. I don't know exactly how that works, but for those of you who don't have children yet, remember this formula: PUTTING IT IN YOUR WIFE + TIME = YOU AT SOME RANDOM KID'S PARTY.

At a recent party, I was watching my little guy who isn't quite 2 yet, start to get into a big toy car - the kind you sit in and move around with your feet like Fred Flintstone. Then some bigger kid muscled my son out of the way and got in it. I looked around for the kid's parents to correct this atrocity of justice, but of course they were nowhere in sight. And I'm really not into explaining right and wrong to other people's kids. Partially because it's not my job, and mostly because it would involve human interaction.

I picked up my son and told him he could have his turn in a few minutes. He was fine with that. But as I walked away, I heard the kid who took the car start whining. I looked back to see he was slowly sliding through the Flinstone floorboard, his little legs getting stuck under the car.

HEE HEE HEE! Oh-- I mean, awww....

My wife found me at that point and saw the kid under the car. She told me to go help him, and being the nice guy I am, I did. I helped the little boy I didn't know, put my kid in the car, and helped myself to some shitty cake. Why? Because 2 1/2 years ago I put it in my wife.

The Steve Marches On

sent to CBS programming...

Dear CBS,

I know you're busy what with your network and all, but I'm pretty busy too, so let's keep this brief. Last week I gave NBC the chance to recapture their glory days of famous hair. In the 90s they had "The Rachel" and "The Clooney" but in the 2000's what do they have? Nothing. Nada. Zero! A GOOSE EGG!

I need a kick ass haircut called "The Steve," to take the country by storm, so let's get this storm started yo! I'm confident the fancy CBS hair stylists can come up with it! I presented NBC with this golden opportunity to figure out what "The Steve" should look like and they didn't even write back. You know what this says? No fire in the belly!

Now, I'm not on TV, but I do have my own website. So I think it's clear we can both benefit when everybody is lined up at salons clamoring for "The Steve." (I'm thinking unisex for maximum impact. Am I right?!)

Don't drop the ball like the suits at Channel 4! With Raymond gone, you could use a little shot in the arm. I know "Two and Half Men" is a hit, but do you see anybody asking for "The Cryer?" (I think we both know the answer to that question.) I liked Ducky as much as the next guy, but come on!

Let me know what the next steps are.


P.S. I part my hair on the right. (My right.)

Reviews You Can Use: My Friend Anthony

I've known my friend Anthony for over 10 years. He's definitely what you would call a "really good guy." I would trust him with my own children, he's funny and we like a lot of the same bands.

He has been playing around with some online dating sites recently, and I salute him for writing one of the greatest profile headlines ever: "I'm like John Cusack and a unicorn, rolled into one." Absolutely brilliant! (Even though he didn't take my suggestion to make his dating screenname "Manthony.")

Anthony also snores like a possessed freak. Now matter how hard you think you've heard anyone snore (including in cartoons), Anthony is louder. If I'd try to recreate it, I'd hurt myself. He also has high-cholesterol, which goes up even when he watches his diet. He takes Lipitor for it, which is kind of cool only because Lipitor sounds like a fat-fighting superhero.

- Smart
- Funny
- Trustworthy

- Sunburns way too easily
- High-cholesterol
- Car always dirty
- Never wraps my presents

Bottom Line: I consider Anthony one of my best friends, and I'm lucky to know him.

Final Grade: B+

UPDATE 3/3/2007 I have received the following request from Anthony...

"I hearby submit my request to have my "Review You Can Use" reviewed and amended. My comic snoring has been cured -- it's not even mildly amusing anymore -- and I now keep my car much cleaner. Unfortunately my cholesterol has reached a career high of 286, despite my Lipitor being raised to 40 mg and my weight down to a svelte 172."

Duly noted, Anthony. I will adjust your review accordingly:

- Sunburns way too easily
- Non-Comic snoring
- High-cholesterol
- Never wraps my presents
-Makes me go back in and tweak things I wrote 2 years ago

Final Grade: B

Previous Reviews:
Identical Twins
My mom

Maggot Game Plan Update

This morning I followed through on the Maggot Game Plan.

The garbage pail had been on the street since yesterday. When I heard the truck headed my way, I ran outside and banged the pail around to loosen any critters off the lid, and the truck did its thing.

I went to take a peek, and I have to say the game plan worked very well. Not perfectly, there's still about two dozen of the little guys wriggling around in there, but I'll take that over the writhing hundreds from the other day.

I've gotten many emails about this subject, including a few discussing the maggot life cycle and how they'll turn to flies in about 10 days and just fly away. One of those emails was even from the "daughter-in-law of an entomologist" (which I found both reassuring and comical).

I'm perfectly willing to let the stragglers sprout their wings and move on to bigger and better garbage. If you must view a couple of the remaining little guys, here they are. They're not so bad. They probably know the key to their nastiness is in numbers.

Now the pail just needs a good soak in some Pine-sol and it'll be fine. And I'm just the guy to make that happen. As soon as my wife gets back.

a trashy story


My wife is away with the kids visiting relatives, so I've been a bachelor for the last week. What's funny is I haven't even told her about this particular incident yet, so you're probably all reading about it together...

Our garbage gets picked up once a week, early Friday mornings. Last Friday I missed the pick-up, but it's not terrible because I've been by myself and really haven't generated all that much trash. There was only one garbage bag in the can.

An hour after I missed the truck, I took out another bag of trash from the kitchen, opened the garbage can lid, and saw something moving.

It was the sides of the can because...



So, anyway... oh, hold on a sec...


I freaked out, threw the bag in, and slammed the lid shut. What hell was in that first bag???

Being the man of the house, I needed to take care of this. The only problem was: how could I talk my wife into fixing it while she's away with the kids? I quickly hatched my pathetic game plan. I'm just not opening the can again until the garbage truck comes back this Friday morning...

This Thursday night I'm going to carefully put the can on the street. Friday morning when I hear the truck coming, I'm going to go back out there, bang the can around to try and loosen the little fuckers up, and hope the truck gets most of them.

It's the kind of truck that has a mechanical arm that lifts the can up and over 180 degrees, and shakes it a little to empty it before putting it back down.

After the truck leaves, I'll have the unenviable task of looking back inside to see what's going on. If I don't like what I see, I may run after the garbage truck, and politely ask the driver to shoot me.

I can't even imagine what's going on in that can right now. Have they quadrupled and are now dripping from the inside of the lid??? So nasty. Even if I did attempt to clean it out now, which in no way seems as good as staying inside and watching TV, what would I do with the two maggot-filled garbage bags that are currently in there?

My friend Tony says I should just throw the can out. That sounds okay, but how the hell do you do that? Put it in another can??

I wish I had a picture for you, but the game plan is very clear: DON'T LIFT THE LID AGAIN UNTIL FRIDAY. And who am I to mess with a game plan? Stay tuned. I'll let you know what happens.

(Oh, hope you're having a nice trip, honey!)

Nice Jugs

A few years back, my old pal David started a jug band with his buddies. I've seen them play around L.A. a few times, and they're really fun.

They are known as the "What Me Worry? Jug Band" and one of their songs called "Cuttin' Butter" has been in the constant rotation in my house for years. It's 55 seconds of pure happiness, from the opening kick-ass jug beat to the heart-felt kazoos, right on through every big beautiful bicycle horn honk. (And I don't always find them beautiful.)

I've long considered "Cuttin' Butter" to be the unofficial theme song of The Sneeze. (I'm working on getting an "official" theme song in place, but until then this ditty can certainly do the job.)

Click here to download the mp3 of Cuttin' Butter. (I don't know where else you can find this much joy packed into under a minute-- unless you count having sex with me.)

Check out the What Me Worry? Jug Band site right here.

(and speaking of good tunes... music music... blah blah blah... cloud cult.)

art training

A conversation with my son as he scribbled on his MagnaDoodle...

my son - Look, Dad. I drew the train tracks in perspective!

me - Wow! You are something else.

my son - Tell me what. Am I not me anymore?

me (curious where this will go) - What do you think you are?

my son - What letter does it start with?

me - I don't know. You tell me.

my son - T?

me - What does that stand for?

my son - Train Boy?

me - (laughing) Don't worry, baby. You'll always be you.


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This page is an archive of entries from August 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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