July 2005 Archives

Dear Hair People...

to: nbcshows@nbcuni.com

NBC - Hair Division

Dear NBC Hair People,

Remember when Jennifer Aniston's haircut "The Rachel" was all the rage? And then a few years later everybody went wackadoodles for George Clooney's "The Clooney."

Well, I'm not on TV but I have a website, so I'd like to collaborate with you on a new haircut for me called "The Steve." I don't know what it would look like, but I'm pretty flexible just as long as it gets stupid popular.

One question: I noticed that Clooney's haircut got named after him, while Aniston's got named after her character. That doesn't seem fair. Why doesn't Jen get any credit? And she stuck it out on Friends until the bitter end (unlike that vagabond Clooney!)

I bet it was because on ER, Clooney played Dr. Ross, and if you called his haircut "The Ross" it would have caused all kinds of confusion. Guys would have asked for "The Ross" expecting to look all smooth like Clooney, and then come out looking like that sad-sack Schwimmer. Thanks, but NO THANKS!

If anyone can pull this off, it's NBC. You people really know how to get a haircut famous! Let me know how you'd like to proceed. My hat size is a 7.

Steve

P.S. The last few years, this lady named Jenny at SuperCuts has been doing my hair. Do you think we could let her consult on this? I realize this is probably not how you do things, but when "The Steve" hits big I wouldn't want her to feel hurt. She's nice!

Jokes from the Booster Seat IV

Don't be sad.
Don't be blue.
Here's more jokes from my son to you people...

(featuring Invisi-Punchline™ technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

Q: "What did the lemon say after he ate himself?"

A: "I really want to give all my taste!"


Q: "Why did the squash get back in his tomato train?"

A: "Because he's always spotted with the cheese!"


Q: "What did the What say to the What?"

A: "You wanna?!"

Toys for Tears

| 239 Comments

Toys are fun. The other side of that colorful plastic sword is when they break. Or when Santa, or the powers that be, just drop the ball and F you in your little A in the process.

I had desperately wanted an "Inch Worm" for my 5th birthday. I had grand visions of me and my green pal inching our way through a very happy life together.

My birthday arrived, and my grandfather took me to the toy store to get one. I was vibrating with joy. But when we got there a salesperson said they didn't have any. Even though I clearly remember seeing one right there on display.

I don't know if they were sold out and wouldn't sell the display model, or if some other shenanigans were going on, but bottom line: I wasn't going home with the worm. I was told to pick something else. I half-heartedly chose a lame toy robot and returned home, stunned and defeated.

I never did get that fucking worm.

My wife has a similar story of Christmas sadness...

She was happily sitting on the floor playing with the Dawn Beauty Pageant set she had just received from Santa that morning, when tragedy struck. A visiting family friend tried to step over her, and stepped right ON it. The beauty pageant turned ugly fast, as my poor little wife cried her eyes out. A replacement was never received.

I think most people have their own comically sad story of the toy that got away, or that broke the day they got it.

The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

winners...

Congratulations to Megan and Adam for winning the Cloud Cult CDs. Thanks to everyone who wrote in, and for all the incredibly kind words. I really did open every email (for all of you who wrote funny crap thinking I wasn't going to.) :)

I just decided that the new Cloud Cult album is so good, I'm going to personally buy it for 2 of you.

If you listen to indie rock and you'd like an album that I have no doubt will be on every Best of 2005 list, just email me with the subject line: Cloud Cult.

Tomorrow morning I'll pick two emails at random and buy it for those people. It's that simple. No hitches, no spam, just me spreading some goodness into the universe.

Behold Britt

Illustrator extraordinaire, S. Britt, has created another mini-masterpiece for The Sneeze. I asked him for an official logo for the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project and a couple of days later this exploration of "It's A Small World Gone Wrong" magically appeared in my inbox.

Britt's first creation for this site was the logo that accompanies my kid's "comedy" in the Jokes from the Booster Seat section. (The boy in the logo is loosely based on my son.)

If you check out Britt's site, you might notice my son somehow managed to sneak his way into the opening July splash-screen.

Keep doodling, Britt! Your art makes the word suck a little less hard.

Rock On

My computer desk is currently in our bedroom. This is because our 2nd son (the lighter, more portable model), took over my office.

I was peacefully asleep this morning while my wife was working on the computer. Little man climbed up on the bed next to me and started saying, "MOMMY, I NEED THE ROCK! I NEED THE ROCK!" While he sounded like the world's cutest crackhead, he was only asking for the hefty paperweight that's on my desk.

My wife gave it to him and he sat next to me playing with it. I was still half asleep, but I could hear him saying, "WHERE IS THE ROCK? I HAVE THE ROCK! DO YOU SEE THE ROCK?!"

He was cute as usual. And then he threw it as hard as he could at my knee. Direct hit. What the hell, Dude?! I gave you my office!

Interestingly, this rock was a Father's Day gift. And I know the humor was totally wasted on him too, because he didn't even say, "I DO IRONY, DADDY!"

In Response to Meat Boats

| 169 Comments

In the last post I mentioned how Subway used to cut their sandwiches differently, and I failed to turn comments on. This was a mistake.

Here's just a handful of the responses I received regarding toasting, preferences, theories and even a little interesting/alleged background history on Jared. Let's start with what I learned from a guy who manages 6 Subways, and we'll go from there... (Comments are now closed for this post)

the holy toast

Subway toasts its sandwiches now.

Apparently this is an important advancement for them because if you go to their website, an animated "FRESH TOASTED" flies across the screen.

I'm sure they did this in response to Quizno's. They're so proud of their toasting abilities, their slogan is "MMMM...TOASTY!"

So, what we have here are multi-million dollar campaigns based on the fact that each of these companies bought a toaster.

I enjoy toast and toasted items as much as anyone, but is this really the secret key to dominating the sandwich market? My five-year-old can make toast! A fucking hobo with a garbage can fire can make toast.

I had no idea toast was so powerful. Maybe I should change The Sneeze slogan to: Half zine. Half blog. ALL TOAST! I'll just need to switch over to a server that can handle the crush of new toast traffic.

And speaking of Subway, didn't they used to cut their sandwiches differently? I remember they would cut a wedge out of the top like a lid and put all the stuff inside. It was like a little boat full of meat. I don't know if it was better, but it was wackier, and I liked that about it. I miss my meat boat.

I have no idea why it went away, but I bet that fat-ass Jared had something to do with it.

these go to eleven...

I was just reminded of a surreal conversation I once had with one of my wife's nutty aunts at a family gathering. I hope the zen-like perfection translates to text...

Aunt: I don't eat tuna. They kill the dolphins.

Me: But what about the tuna?

Aunt: (PAUSE) They kill the dolphins.

Me: Alright... what about salmon?

Aunt: Oh, salmon's delicious!

And that's how "Salmon's delicious!" became a catch phrase in my house. (Meaning I'm the only one who ever says it, and when I do, my wife rolls her eyes and tells me to stop making fun of her aunt.)

Cloud Cult

For the last few weeks I've been carrying around the new Cloud Cult album with me. I don't just mean in my iPod, I mean "in" me. You know that feeling of not being able to shake a really good movie? It's kinda been like that times ten.

I am very passionate about music, and from time to time I'm tempted to talk about bands I'm into here on the site, but I've avoided it because I personally don't like reading music reviews and I try to keep things here as fun as I can. But that being said, I haven't been this excited, and moved and generally made crazy like this by an album in years, so I'm hoping you'll indulge me a little bit. (On top of that, Sarah, the cellist in the band, wrote to let me know she liked Steve Don't Eat It, so if that's not a reason for you to at least give them a chance, I don't know what is.)

The album is called "Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus" and it's an eclectic mix of sound from orchestral passages to super funky beats, samples, hand claps, live tracks, and even the occasional country twang, but all securely rooted in Craig Minowa's supremely crafted indie guitar rock.

Craig's voice is heartfelt and fragile, but he can still easily take it over the top when he wants to. (And Sarah's celloing totally kicks ass, just because I say it does.)

The backstory on Craig and Cloud Cult isn't the happiest. A few years ago Craig lost his 2-year-old son and his marriage dissolved soon after. These tragic events have been a recurring musical theme ever since. Having little boys of my own, I realize it's part of why Craig's music has hit me like a truck, but the album deals more with an issue that affects everyone: mortality. And it doesn't do so with doom and gloom. The message, to me at least, is to embrace life. (Yes, I'm still the same guy who made wine with his socks. Relax, I'm almost done.)

These guys are even doing all of this on their very own record label, and trying very hard to save the planet at the same time.

When I listen to "Advice from the Happy Hippo" I feel like I have a secret, and I'm just waiting for the rest of the world to find out. Go find out for yourself.

The track "Living on the Outside Of Your Skin" can be heard here.

Or listen to samples of the whole album here

The offical Cloud Cult site is here.

And you can buy the album directly from them as well. It's also for sale at other places like Amazon (not iTunes as of yet), but more profits go to the band's label if you buy from them directly.

(And thank you for indulging me.)

May I Pick Your Braaiiinnnss?

| 132 Comments

I have a quick question about zombies.

I know they really want to eat my brains, but what happens if they just can't get any brains, for like 6 months? Do they pass out? Do they get really irritable from low blood sugar? I don't get it. Would a chimp brain do in a pinch?

Does anyone know the zombie rules? Enlighten me. The comment board for this post is CURRENLTY CLOSED but comments are still there for your reading pleasure.

Global Schoolyard Rhymes 18

Welcome back to the international playground! Here's a couple sent in from Holland and a couple of after-dinner rhymes from Sweden. (If you're new to this section, it's an on-going collection of obnoxious schoolyard rhymes collected from around the world. Enjoy!)

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