May 2005 Archives

I haven't had a Red Bull in months. I had one the other day and something started to happen that I realize now hasn't happened since the last time I had Red Bull.

I know this is insane, but I swear to God it makes my left nipple vibrate.

I had sensed this going on a few times in the past, but I never really associated it with Red Bull until now.

Before you ask:

- No, this does not happen when I drink coffee.

- No, it doesn't happen every time I have Red Bull. But it never happens when I haven't had it.

- No, I haven't actually seen the vibrations.

- No, I don't think Jean Stapleton is hot. (What's wrong with you?)

I only posted a couple lines in the sidebar mouthing off about Jeff of The Wiggles. I didn't expect anyone to react to it.

I was wrong...

While I've been exposed to countless hours of The Wiggles, I realize many of you may somehow lead Wiggle-free lives. For you: The Wiggles is an Australian musical group/TV show for kids. They are now on the Disney Channel all of the time.

Jeff is one of them. His "bit" is to fall asleep all the time.

Here's what some readers had to say...

Steve,

I totally agree. They only keep him around because he fulfills the short man quota. At least Murray can play the guitar!

Truly Yours,
Tricia

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Oh, I KNOW! Aren’t you just appalled at the fact that he has somehow ridden the coattails of the three talented Wiggle brothers to fame and glory? You’ve got to respect the boys for the fact that when they were coming up with gimmicks, they managed to convince Jeff to have a gimmick that required him to be almost always motionless and silent.

Also, who do think has scored with more single moms, Anthony Wiggle or Steve Burns? The question has to be asked.

Dave (father of a four-year-old who has, thankfully, moved on from the Wiggles. Also, if you haven’t crossed their path yet, be VERY AFRAID of The Doodlebops)

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Sorry Steve, but whilst Jeff is obviously in need of help dealing with his narcolepsy (or alcoholism – take your pick) I have to disagree – Anthony is clearly the worst of the Wiggles. His “Anthony’s Workshop” contribution to the show is the low point of Saturday mornings in our house. An abomination that has to be seen to be believed. And “Music With Murray” isn’t a whole lot better either.

Don’t even get me started on Dorothy the bloody dinosaur.

Cheers,
Richard

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Jeff is definitely the worst Wiggle. It's like the Sesame Street game- three of these things are not like the other, three of these things are kind of the same... Jeff could be cut out easily.

amy

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Hey Steve,

I had to laugh at "Jeff is clearly the worst Wiggle. Just let him sleep." I was saying to my wife the other day that they are probably racist because they are trying to perpetuate the idea that Asians are lazy.

People who don't have kids look at you like you are nuts when you say things like, the Doodle-bops are America's' answer to the Wiggles, just like the Monkees were America's answer to the Beetles.

Take care,
Darryl

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Hey Steve,

Bang-on with the Jeff thing. If you're going to pretend to play an instrument, at least pick something cool like a saxophone. An accordian? Geez, your not going to get any chicks like that...

Cheers,
Andy

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My daughter loves him. She's 2 and after a wiggle episode, she'll run around the house yelling "Wake Up Jeff" at the top of her lungs for an hour. They should just put him down. End our misery.

I received a lot of email in response to the Guide to Women Peeing Standing Up. Here's a few...

SUBJECT: riding horses and peeing while standing up

Your handy guide to women peeing while standing up has left me a little confused. How can I choose the product best for me when I see that the models themselves cannot even choose? I want to know which product the horseback girl prefers, the Freshette or the Whiz?

~Val

Freshette Girl on horse

The Whiz Girl on horse

Nice catch! I guess some women have zero brand loyalty when it comes to pee cones.

-- Steve

Another reader made the same observation...

Dear Steve,

I don't know if you realized it, but The Whiz seemed to be a big fraud. Not only did they steal the slogan of the Urinelle, but also the mandatory photo of women enjoying new-found "freedom" was ripped off of the Freshette.

Just thought that the women of the world should be aware.

-Your fan,
Greg Long
Beloit, Wisconsin

Thanks, Greg. This is a black eye on the world of female urinary products.

-- Steve

Steve,

I think I just gave my 5-year-old some cough medicine in a Travelmate. Silly me!

Mir

That's so weird! I just peed in my son's cough syrup.

-- Steve

And thanks to Jen, Robbie and Keith for pointing out even more of these important stand-up products that were overlooked in the guide...

Magic Cone - (Don't miss the animated instructions!!!)
P-mate

My friend Tim was wondering how long he could live eating only water and mayonnaise.

I think it's a question that deserves an answer.

After that raging banana debate, I'm hoping some of you guys are science-minded enough to form a decent conclusion about what would happen to Tim.

Here's the nutritional info from the back of a jar of "Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise." (Know as "Best Foods" West of the Rockies.)

I can also tell you that according to the manufacturer, one serving of their regular mayo is NOT a significant source of fiber, iron, calcium, Vitamin A or Vitamin C.

Assuming Tim is an average, healthy individual-- how long could he theoritically survive and exactly what from this diet would eventually do him in?

The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

Right at this moment companies around the world are jockeying to corner the market on women peeing standing up. With so many products like Urinelle, Freshette, and The Pee-zee to choose from, it's easy for a gal to be overwhelmed! But that's where The Sneeze comes to the rescue.

Please enjoy this handy guide to help you navigate the women-peeing-standing-up waters...

If you didn't notice, the Jokes from the Booster Seat section two posts ago recently got its own fantastic new illustrated logo.

It was created just for The Sneeze by one of my favorite illustrators: S. Britt, and I'm honored to have some of his original work on the site.

Britt's art is magical. It'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and take you right back to a time when the smell of Play-Doh was in the air and your sandwiches were crust-free.

My son loved the new "Jokes from the Booster Seat" logo so much he even wrote a special S. Britt joke to say thanks.

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL)

Q: "Why did S. Britt spin the world?"

A: "Because it was so big!"

Do yourself a favor and click on over to S. Britt's site to check out the rest of his amazing portfolio. (Thanks again, Stephan!)

My friends and I somehow got into a long discussion about the old-school sexual term: "petting." And we came to the conclusion that we really have no idea what it means.

Obviously it involves some form of touching, but beyond that, we're stumped. And when the hell does petting turn into the even more curious "heavy petting?"

Is stroking a girl's hair "petting?" Is "petting" over the clothes and "heavy petting" under the clothes? Does it become "heavy" when it's done with more pressure and/or lust? Or maybe it's only "heavy" when it occurs below the waist?

Since this is an old outmoded phrase, here's what I'd like to do: In addition to whatever thoughts you have about this-- Ask your parents, grandparents or any other cute old people in your life you feel comfortable with, just exactly what "petting" and "heavy petting" meant to them back in the day. I'll ask my folks too, and then we'll compare notes.

And just for fun, try to include the age of the person you asked, along with their exact thoughts on this important subject. (I doubt this term is international, but I guess we'll find out.) The comment board is now closed.

It's time once again to enjoy the comedic stylings of my son. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh until your bowels evacuate, thanks to some brand new...

(featuring Invisi-Punchline™ technology!)

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWERS TO REVEAL)

Q: "What did the chicken say to the TV?"

A: "Send over Mister Salami!"

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Q: "What do you get when you cross a sandwich, a person, and a car?"

A: "A flying sandwich pit!"

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Q: "What did the watermelon say to the giraffe?"

A: "Dale, I'm going to jail!"

Who would have guessed that way back when I innocently bought a box of microwave kettle corn, it would give birth to:

- an expose on hidden Splenda
- a microwave disaster
- 144 thoughts on what I should do
- a $43 auction for a charred hunk of popcorn
- a cross-country trip for the popcorn meteor remains
- Tanna Blattler Appreciation Day

and now... sweet resolution. As Jen predicted, the fine people at Orville Redenbacher have bought me a new microwave. The check arrived the other day.

I should go spend it all on bitches and crack. Who's with me?! (Don't tell my wife. She totally frowns upon bitches AND crack.)

All the popcorn posts can be found in chronological order right here. (And for the record, the microwave really does still reek.)

Hi. How are you today? Did you sleep well?

My day began at 5:07 AM when my older son joined me and my wife and his little brother in our bed, quickly turning us into a writhing pile of awake.

I was desperately hoping we might all somehow fall back asleep, and then I heard his little voice in the dark: "Can I watch Zoboomafoo?"

"Zoboomafoo" is a cute show on PBS, that at 5 AM, can eat my balls.

He knows we have a few episodes of it on the Tivo in our bedroom. At least it would get me to 5:37. I started feeling around for the remote, and was quickly getting aggravated. As I was leaning out of bed to look for it on the floor, I heard the following classic quote from the boy...

"You should really try cleaning this place up.
Every time I walk in here it's a disaster."

I eventually found the remote, put on his show, and never got back to sleep. As exhausted as I am right now, I'd never actually get upset at him for this kind of thing. He's cute and it's funny.

But fuck you, Zoboomafoo.