March 2005 Archives

popcorn's big trip

A few of you have been asking what's up with the remains of the popcorn meteorite. The chunk that was auctioned on Ebay is safely on its way to the winner.

As for the rest, I'm sending it all back to the Orville Redenbacher people today, as they requested. (They even sent me a pre-paid mailer.) After much debate on the comment board, the charred bag of kernels, the box, pictures of the splattered microwave are ready to go to the post office. It should be interesting to see what happens.

It's funny that my little meteorite will now be taking its first big trip all the way to Omaha, Nebraska! I think I'm gonna miss that little guy. Luckily my microwave still bears his personal stink for me to remember him by.

fresh raspberries

No sooner did I post the "Cartoon Raspberry Museum" with a request for submissions, you guys started sending them in. I've already added a bunch of fantastic new ones from the lovable readers of The Sneeze. You guys truly rock! Keep 'em coming!

View the freshly-updated museum right here.

the cartoon raspberry museum

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary offers the following as its 2nd defintion for the word RASPBERRY:

Pronunciation: 'raz-"ber-E, -b(&-)rE
2 : [short for raspberry tart, rhyming slang for fart] : a sound of contempt made by protruding the tongue between the lips and expelling air forcibly to produce a vibration; broadly : an expression of disapproval or contempt .

The raspberry, or razzberry, or Bronx Cheer is one of the all-time great sounds. But even though a baby can do it, no one can actually spell it.

Cartoonist have struggled with this since the dawn of time. I'm sure there's a cave painting somewhere of a cro-magnon guy sticking his tongue out, with some mangled word scrawled above it in a futile attempt to capture the moment.

The following is a collection of valiant and horrendous raspberry spellings in print...

the great banana debate

If you're late to this, it started last week when I posted a video showing how bananas naturally divide into 3 sections.

Then a reader named Em wrote to me, dropping some science about why bananas do that. Another reader named Kirsty wrote in questioning Em's facts and a small science debate erupted.

Since then Kirsty has written back on the comment board retracting a couple of her initial statements and now all is well (even though other debates continue to be popping up in there.)

Before Kirsty posted again to smooth things out, I received two really sassy science responses from Em. Everthing is cool now between our new pals, but I'd still like to post Em's two emails to me because they amused me so.

Who doesn't enjoy a fired-up science chick? (And my wife says it's a pleasant diversion from my usual wiener jokes.)

b-mail UPDATED


Here's a really interesting email I received regarding The Secret of Bananas video, (which is now followed up by another reader challenging it.)

Banana battle!

the secret of bananas - caught on tape

the secret of bananas on the sneeze

You'd think after eating a fruit at least a thousand times, you'd know all it's capable of. Maybe not. I recently learned something about bananas that, quite frankly, blew my mind.

I'm sure it won't be news to everyone, but for me this revelation was up there with seeing the secret arrow in the Fedex logo for the first time...


If you have no clue what I'm talking about,
CLICK HERE to see the video

Then try it for yourself.

(NOTE: You may get a blank screen for a few seconds before the video kicks in. Window will automatically pop and play movie. If it doesn't, check your pop-up blocker. Flash required.)

(ONE MORE NOTE: Thanks to Willo, Don and my wife for helping me get this news-breaking, life-altering video up on The Sneeze!)

meteorite madness

The popcorn meteorite auction is over! The winning bidder will receive the infamous popcorn meteorite chunk (including snazzy display case), the mouspad and bumper sticker, and one private joke written by my son.

Thanks to everybody who bid and sent in questions!

sex and candy

I just had some Fun Dip for the first time in years. That's the candy where you dip the stick in the flavored sugar.


I don't know if it was while I was licking the stick, or when I was repeatedly sticking it in and out of the pouch, but suddenly it all felt oddly sexual.

history for sale

A few people have emailed asking me what's up with the popcorn meteor.

I decided I'm going to send it back to the company as they requested, and we'll see what happens. I'll be doing that this week.

But before I pack it all up, I thought I'd auction off a piece of it. The smoky little guy even comes with his own display case. The bidding starts at a whopping 49 cents.

The winning bidder also gets a free mousepad and bumper sticker. You can view the auction and track how rich I'm about to get right here.

the sneeze mailbag


Some interesting new emails in the mailbag. The first is actually a little exchange I had with a reader...

Hey Steve,

I'm a fan of your site and figured I'd share my latest tattoo which was inspired by the Final Blow painting.

great global schoolyard rhyme

I've received some terrific new global schoolyard rhymes for the collection recently, but what's interesting about this one is everybody already knows it. I don't know if it hails from France or Quebec, but since the sender asked so nicely to credit the Quebecois, Quebec it is.

That being said, please enjoy the extremely popular kid's rhyme "Alouette" and its surprisingly gruesome translation. An "alouette" is the small bird known as a "lark."


Alouette, gentille alouette!
Alouette, je t'y plumerai!
Je t'y plumerai la tete!
Je t'y plumerai la tete!
Et la tete!
(Et la tete!)
La, la, la, la! etc.

English translation:

Lark, friendly lark!
Lark, I will pluck you!
I will pluck your head!
I will pluck your head!
And your head!
(And your head!)
La, la, la, la! etc.

(As the song continues through its repetitions (actually permutations) we continue from la tete to les yeux and thus onward until we've torn up each body part. Then we start again.)

Sent by: the higher critic

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!

Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct English translation

See all the rhymes here.

the surreal joyner

Our old robot paintin' pal, Eric Joyner, has done a new batch of cool surreal paintings.

If you live in L.A., a couple of them will be on display at my favorite art gallery, La Luz de Jesus, which just happens to be located right in the middle of my favorite store, Soap Plant/Wacko! Eric's paintings will be there from March 4-27.

Here's a few of his new mind-bending creations...

the new friday nights

My son has learned to read. It is, at times, hilarious. Here's a verbatim transcript from last Friday night as we cruised along the freeway in our kick-ass mini-van of love...


MY WIFE: Sound it out.


MY WIFE: Ask your father.



Long beat.

THE BOY: What are Hooters full of?

ME: Food.

THE BOY: Why is it called Hooters?

ME: Well... because it was invented by Alfred J. Hooter.


ME: Owls. You know, hoot-hoot?

THE BOY: Dad, what color are hooters?

ME: Sweetie?! Let's not talk about hooters anymore.

"Let's not talk about hooters anymore." Not that my Friday nights were ever super crazy in the past, but I know they never contained that phrase.


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This page is an archive of entries from March 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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