February 2005 Archives


I like hot girls with big bouncy racks. And I hate musicals. That being said, I do enjoy a dash of cinnamon in my morning coffee. I find it delightful!

This morning at Starbucks I sprinkled in a little cinnamon and caught a whiff of something awful-- NUTMEG. Someone there had accidently filled the cinnamon shaker with the very wrong stuff.

Is there really a need for nutmeg to be one of the staple shakers at the Starbucks fixin's bar? Short of eggnog (where I don't mind it), I don't know why it's a featured player. There's Vanilla Powder, Chocolate Powder, Cinnamon, and Nutmeg. I'll let you guess which one is the Ringo in that band.

It reminds me of the time my mother tried to kill me with a jellybean. She had a dish of them out and I popped an orange one in my mouth. A moment later my tastebuds were attacked with an explosion of nasty cloves. CLOVES!

"Oh, those are spice jellybeans," she said.

"Oh, what the fuck for?!" I said - in my head. (It's not nice to say fuck to your mommy, even when she loses her mind and buys spice jellybeans like a loon. But feel free to think it.)

I'm sure I'm going to get a bunch of emails now from nutmeg lovers and clove jellybean fans. If you must write, go ahead. It'll take awhile for me to answer though. I'm still writing back to all the nice English and Canadian people who proudly enjoy their U's in words like flavour. :)

The Sneeze Mailbag


Let's see what's in the old mailbag today...

Dear Friends Of The Committee,

It has come to the attention of the committee that certain companies have been lying to us.

Many companies claim that their products are "cinnamon flavoured" (i.e. cinnamon hearts, cinnamon flavoured gum, cinnamon flavoured toothpaste, cinnamon altoids etc.) The products however are not actually flavoured in the way cinnamon is.

One of the committe members brought this to our attention after the taste of her gum was so gone that she proceeded to sprinkle cinnamon onto her piece of gum. This, however, did not result in giving her gum the "cinnamon flavour" she was so accustomed to (though it did result in giving her gum the texture of mad paste)

This member was outraged that she has been lied to her whole life, that the flavour referred to as "cinnamon" is not loyal to the true taste of cinnamon.

I am writing you this email to ask for support in the committee's "Boycott Of All Candies/Gums/Toothpastes and Other Food Products That Are Labelled "Cinnamon Flavoured" When They Are Merely Flavoured With A Flavour Totally Unlike Actual Cinnamon".

We hope that our boycott will persuade the companies to change their labels to "Our Sorry Excuse for Cinnamon" Flavoured.

Thank You and Sincerely,
Vicky Stubbs, Your Local CPWLPOTPM Representitive


You bring up a wonderful point, and I wish your organization good luck! I would love to help out more, but I'm currently involved in forming my own action group: The Committee To Not Spell "Flavor" With A "U". But thanks for writing!


Kelly writes...

You seem to be the kind of guy who would have either the answer to my question or a reader-base with the answer to a question that has been bugging me for some time now. I would like to know how to respond when someone asks, “What’s up?” Since we know no one really expects an answer I have tried to come up with a snappy comeback but the brain tends not to respond fast enough to make the response timely enough to be witty. Rather it usually just misses the beat. Can you give me some ideas?


Kenan and/or Kelly,

If I were to ask you "What's Up?" your best response would probably be "My nipples." Only because you'd be telling the truth. I'm out-of-control sexy. I swear to God.

But let's toss this out to the fine readership of The Sneeze. Can you guys help Kelly out?

The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

Just New Jersey


This kid and his "Numa Numa Dance" have been making the online rounds lately, like the Star Wars Kid did a few years ago.

I first saw the Numa Numa Kid on Patrick's Buzz List. It was originally believed he was doing his silly lip-syncing from somewhere in Europe. Then it was discovered he lives in New Jersey and somehow it wasn't the same. Pat even mentioned the disappointment on his site.

But it's still the same video. What changed exactly? Is it because we'd expect more of this type of thing from a kid in New Jersey? Is it less innocent and pure coming from the Land of Entertainment?

I asked Pat about his disappointment. Here's his response:

"For me, when I felt he was Eastern European, I thought I was getting this international look into someone's life that we never would have had, otherwise, without the Web. And how even half-way around the world, sitting alone in your room lip-syncing to a silly song has the same universal appeal - both for the kid to perform, and for us as viewers watching him. It was almost comforting. Then when I found out he was from Jersey, it was less glamorous, more expected, and I think you're right - less pure.

The first time I put him on the Buzz, I made reference to the fact that had the Web been around 20 years ago, that kid would have been me. And that's the truth - I spent an hour each night playing music in my bathroom and lip-syncing into the mirror. Damn, I thought I was cool. There was something really intriguing by the fact that so many years later, there was a kid in Europe doing the same thing. Alas, Jersey just seemed too... hohum."

It's funny how backstory can play into our perception of things.

After much reflection on the subject I blame the children of Eastern Europe. Way to drop the ball, losers.

(And in honor of President's Day check out last year's tribute to America's Fattest President.)

What May It Be???

What Might It Be???


First person to correctly identify this picture with the specific answer I'm looking for wins an official mousepad and SWEET SWEET GLORY.


Congrats to "V" for figuring out that what it may be is...

Big Bird's Anus

Thanks to everyone who played today's game of WHAT MAY IT BE???

(co-opted from Highlights Magazine
and J-Walk's "What's This?")

Popcorn Disaster Update


I spoke to the Orville Reddenbacher people about the Kettle Korn disaster. They were very nice and are "considering" replacing my microwave.

They are sending me a pre-paid mailer so I can send them the box, the popcorn meteor and pictures of the microwave and then they'll decide if they want to replace it or not. But I'm not so sure I want to send them the actual meteor.

Should I?

The comment board is NOW CLOSED.

(And on a food company sidenote, I have notified the Terra Chip people of our dramatic findings. Still waiting to hear back.)

On the Corner of 5th & Who Eats It?

Let's take a dip into The Sneeze Valentine Vault from one year ago today...

Happy Valentine's Day! Let us all rejoice in a celebration of love! Except for you people who say "Valentimes." You need to be put in a wood chipper.

That being said, why don't we talk about candy. One classic Valentine's Day tradition is the giving of candy. Many a lucky person will receive a heart-shaped box full of chocolates today, but few will receive a 5th Avenue candy bar. Do you know why? BECAUSE NOBODY EATS THEM.

5th Avenue - Street of Tears

I've been seeing this crappy brown wrapper and untempting name forever, but I've never had one. Neither have you. Okay, obviously someone somewhere is eating them, or they wouldn't keep making it. Initial reports indicate his name is Clive, and he is a sad and lonely man.

In candy gym class, 5th Avenue is the fat kid who gets picked last. If it was at all popular, it would be available in "fun" size. Did you ever once dump out your Halloween loot at the end of the night to find a 5th Avenue bar? You didn't. If you think you did, someone put crack in your Skittles, because you didn't.

To get to the bottom of this, I went ahead and bought my first and only one. The cute girl at the register played it very cool, but I have no doubt that inside she was thinking "Wait a minute. Nobody ever buys the 5th Avenue Bar!" Then she thought "This guy is a revolutionary! And, damn he's so hot, too. Look at his belly and sloppy Old Navy clothes. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with him. Now." Masking her lust by avoiding all eye contact with me, she handed over my change (erotically), and I left.

The wrapper says it's "chocolate and crunchy peanut butter." It sounded like a crunchy peanut butter cup to me, but do not be fooled. One bite let me know that it's a friggin' Butterfinger. Slightly less crispity. A tad less crunchity. But it's a Butterfinger, and they know it. End of story.

I was about to put the whole episode behind me when I thought -- this candy bar looks like it's been around since 1850. Could it be possible that Butterfinger (by Nestle) is a rip off of 5th Avenue (by Hershey)??? Perhaps it deserves some respect after all.

A quick poke around the internet showed that 5th Avenue came out in 1936. Butterfinger was introduced in 1923. Butterfinger came out first. The 5th Avenue bar is a loser no matter how you look at it. Crappy name, crappy wrapper, and it's a Butterfinger knock off.

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm going to let this slide. I'm also going to go easy on you Valentimes people. You may each have one 5th Avenue Bar. And then it's head first into the chipper.

(and here's a 5th Avenue review from my old pal, Patrick.)

(I love you, Bubbanut.
Happy Birthday, Kirker!)

One Adult, One Child

popcornRemember how Elliott showed E.T. the ropes of life on Earth? He explained what action figures were... they went trick-or-treating... he gave E.T. his first taste of candy. That's what it's like having a kid.

A cute little alien has arrived at your house from the distant planet Uterus, and now it's up to you to show them what's what.

Last month I decided it was time for my own four-year-old alien to see what an Earth movie theater was like.

I tried to prep him as much as I could to cut down on the chances of him bothering people or freaking out in general once the lights went down. Our first discussion went exactly like this:

"When you go to a real movie theater, the movie plays on a huge screen. But here's the thing-- when it starts, you have to be quiet and you can't talk to anybody."

"But I can play, right?"

He delivered the line perfectly, except he wasn't joking.

We talked about it a few more times during the week and he seemed to finally get it. Saturday morning arrived and I sprung it on him. "Hey, should we go to the movies today?!"

"Yeah!!!" he screamed.

On our way there I could sense he was so excited to be going to the movies. In part because he kept telling me, "I AM SO EXCITED WE ARE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"

It was an 11:00 AM showing of The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, and my son was practically vibrating as I paid for the tickets. We walked into the lobby, he looked around and literally yelled "LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS AND LIGHTS. I LOVE THIS MOVIE THEATER!!!"

He pulled me by the hand as we walked through the doors of the room they were showing Spongebob in. He then hunkered down and crept along as if we were spies on an important mission. "OH BOY! WE HAVE TO FIND OUR SEATS!"

He led me up the stadium-style seating toward the top, and made his choice. After he was done commenting on what fancy, big-boy seats they were, I asked him one more time, "What happens when the movie starts?"


The lights finally went down, the movie began...

and I'm happy to report that he was incredibly well-behaved and loved every moment of it. He even kept his voice down the one time he had to let me know Patrick was being silly.

After it was over we walked through the parking lot while he told me all about his favorite parts of the movie. I buckled him into his car seat, and he promptly passed out from the excitement.

I've always enjoyed how Spongebob is a celebration of innocence, and how he can find big fun in the most mundane situations. I'd like to thank my little boy for turning a simple trip to the movies into an awesome adventure for both of us.

It was a perfect day.

(And for those who feel this entry was too sweet for The Sneeze, please accept my apologies and enjoy this X-rated picture from the SpongeBob porn episode.)

I changed the link at the end of this article. It used to be a link to J. Lo's vagina. Some people were shocked that the link actually went to that. But I don't see how I could have made it any clearer than when I wrote "enjoy these pictures of J. Lo's vagina." Anyway, if you're looking for that link, here it is. Don't click on it if you don't want to see J. Lo's vagina. Because that's what the link goes to. Her vagina.

The Sneeze Store

I originally only made this stuff for me and my friends. But I figured it couldn't hurt to open The Sneeze Store to the public for any of you mental enough to actually want some of these items.

For now, they all feature the cool sneezing man painted by Peter Pagano. The mugs and mousepads are really nice. I find the flavor of my morning coffee is enhanced by the sight of a man spraying spit and mucous. I really do.

I priced it all barely above or at cost. I've made it this far losing money on The Sneeze, so why stop now?

I started the store with only a few products. If you'd like a particular item with a particular piece of sneezing masthead art on it, let me know and I'll see what I can do. (I included my own pics below because the artificially generated store photos don't really do them justice.)

Mug Front

Mug Back


You can find the store right here. Thanks!

An Undramatic Poll

The Ruby Taro was clearly voted by you as the most dramatic Terra Chip, confirming the company's suspicions.

Before I contact the chip makers, I thought we could do one more quick poll to determine THE LEAST DRAMATIC Terra Chip. Maybe the Terra people will then publicly shame this chip on the back of the bag. (I'm sure they'll be changing the bag anyway after they hear our Ruby Taro results.)

There is a new poll at the bottom....


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This page is an archive of entries from February 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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