January 2005 Archives

If the world of chips was "Cheers," Terra Chips would be Frasier Crane.

They are fancy, expensive, "exotic vegetable chips." According to the packaging, they "combine the beautiful colors and delicious flavors of the Earth's own vegetables into the perfect accompaniment for most cuisines." So just like Frasier, they're also a little gay.

There are 6 types of chips, and each is described on the back of the bag. The "Ruby Taro" chip is described as being "Perhaps the most dramatic Terra Chip."

"Perhaps?" What the hell is that?? What's with the hedging? At 5 bucks a bag, I don't want vagueries. Let's find out if it's the most dramatic or not. There is a poll at the bottom of this post. I promise I'll forward our decision on to the chip makers.

The other night my wife decided to make some microwave Kettle Corn. She set the timer for 2:45 (more than a minute LESS than the recommended time) and hit start. We were talking a few feet away, and two and a half minutes later I turned to see BROWN SMOKE BILLOWING OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.

This was not like your ordinary slightly overcooked popcorn. This was a bag about to burst into flames.

I shut off the microwave and opened it. Thick, gross, choking smoke poured out and quickly filled the kitchen. My wife carefully got it outside while I tried to get the blaring smoke detector to stop before the kids woke up.

For some reason, the bag had exploded-- spraying disgusting brown LIQUID all over the interior of the oven. It smelled horrible, the microwave is ruined, and the kitchen still smells two days later.

Opening the bag did not reveal burnt popcorn, but a bizarre rectangular carbon brick of I'm not sure what. I would like to stress, the bag didn't pop full and then burn, it popped a tiny bit and then went straight to the burning.

I don't know what happened, but I do know this. A while back I wrote a popular post about the secret Splenda hiding in microwave Kettle Corn. I believe this evil box lay in wait plotting its revenge against me, and finally took action.

If you have Orville Redenbacher Microwave Kettle Corn in your house, BE CAREFUL. It is a naughty, spiteful treat.

Things have been pretty active in the ol' international playground lately. Here are a few new ones sent in for France, Belgium and Italy...

FRANCE

je suis bourée, je suis bourée
je vais pisser tout seule
je suis bourée, je suis bourée
je vais pisser sur ta mère

English translation:

i am drunk, i am drunk,
i will pee all by myself
i am drunk, i am drunk
i will pee on your mother

Sent by: Anthony

---

ITALY

Pepsi-Cola
Coca-Cola
Osso Duro
V'a fa'un culo

English translation:

Pepsi-Cola
Coca-cola
Boner
Go fuck yourself

Sent by: Brian

---

FLANDERS, BELGIUM

Olé, Olé
En Steve dat is een ei
En hij zit in bad met zijn vinger in zijn gat
Alé Alé Yay!

English translation:

Olé, Olé
And Steve he is an egg
And he takes a bath with his finger in his ass
Alé Alé Yay!

Sent by: Peter

(This rhyme is from Flanders, the Dutch speaking part of Belgium. Peter says you can substitute any name, but I do enjoy a nice finger-in-the-ass bath as much as the next guy, so why change it.)

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!

Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct English translation

See all the rhymes here.

In response to the mailbag letter about women's shirts buttoning the other way-- I have been informed by many of you that in the old days affluent ladies were dressed by (assumed right-handed) servants who were facing them.

Men at the time were cruelly left to dress themselves.

(Thanks to Nina, Carolyn, Miriam, Moira, Patrick, and Robert for info on that.)

And thanks to Rick who says it's to make it easier for him to get girls' shirts off.

By the powers vested in me as half a zine, I bring you The Sneeze Mailbag. Our first letter comes from Felix....

Steve,

Today I found out something that, probably you, and apparently everybody else already knows... womens shirts button from the opposite direction! Why? and more important, how have I lived 39 years and never once have heard of this before? Where have I been? I like to think of myself as very well read, up on current events, extensive knowledge of trivial things, general knowledge of many other things.....but if somehow I missed this bit of strange fashion wierdness, what else don't I know? It's scary Steve!

Felix

Mr. McFeelix,

I don't know how common or not that tidbit is, but here's what I think is probably going on.

You're a cross-dresser and this is your way of trying to throw me off the scent. I didn't fall for your clever ruse, but you really need to stop worrying. If you like wearing blouses, it's fine by us. Don't sweat it!

--Steve

Steve,

Did you arrive to a consensus about the theme song for Dave Attell's "Insomniac"? My burning curiosity needs to know. Or maybe needs an antibiotic.

Bren

Brenjamin,

--Steve

Well, it looks like our Nipple list is gone. Oh well. We'll always have the screengrabs.

I guess that makes the Breathtaking Collection of Lies #1 on a technicality. At least for now. We'll see how long it lasts.

Victory!

Sweet pointless victory!

Yesterday The Sneeze Nipple List rose to the top of Amazon's Listmania Top 100. And as an unexpected bonus, the Breathtaking Collection of Lies from earlier in the week ended up being #2! I dedicate this honor to all of you. (And to your nipples.)

After I saw we were #1, I temporarily renamed the list to something a little more appropriate...

Now that I have the screengrab, I've renamed it back again to "The Best Stuff!"

Who knows how long we'll reign at #1, so go out today and enjoy all the perks and privileges that come with being #1 on a useless list.

The Sneeze readers officially rock hard.

I thought it would be a fun experiment to see if we can get it up to the #1 position in the rankings of Amazon's "Top Listmania Lists." (I think it takes a day or two for the new lists to appear on it.)

If you'd like to help make it happen, please check out the list and give it a 5 star rating. I gave this list the unassuming name "The Best Stuff!" I figured if I called it something like "Triple the Nipples!" it would get pulled. (Pulled. Nipples. Hee hee!)

Our secret Amazon Nipple list is right here.

The rankings of all Listmania lists can be found here. Thanks guys! And let me know if you purchase any nipply products.

While I was unable to find any breathtaking items on Amazon that were actually breathtaking, Rusty wrote in with a stunning item that actually did leave me a little stunned. (Thanks Rusty.)

Every other item I see advertised is "breathtaking." We live in a world that constantly promises to take my breath, and yet my lungs are filled with loads of breath, still there for the taking. It sucks.

Just once I would like an item to be so special, so magical, that I was literally left gasping on the floor for air. I'm sure I'd buy it on the spot.

Although, now that I think about it, the last thing I can remember having that effect was Matt Capone's fist punching me in the stomach when I was 11. And that also sucked.

Either way, I've thrown together a small collection of items on Amazon that continue to promote this rampant false claim. If any of these products end up taking your breath, please let me know. I reviewed them all very carefully and found my vital signs to remain stable.

Maybe I'll have better luck being rendered senseless when I search for all the items that are "stunning."

Behold...
Amazon's Breathtaking Collection of Lies.
(Except for you Matt, you dickweed.)

Some lovely readers of The Sneeze wrote in with a few more pronunciation finds in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary. The entries for "shit" and "son of a bitch" both offer curious dual pronunciations. I've added them all to the collection below. (Thanks to Snabby and Grumbly for those!)

On the road to success, a strong vocabulary is an extremely valuable tool. Luckily dictionaries can also be fun if you use them to look up dirty words.

Now thanks to our old pal the Internet, we can actually hear professional voice-over people demonstrate the proper way to say them.

Please enjoy the following educational collection of audio links to the Merriam Webster online dictionary. (And while the thought of more than one vagina always sounded like a good idea to me, I had no clue the plural of vagina would be this entertaining.)

THE OFFICIAL MERRIAM-WEBSTER
DIRTY/SILLY WORD PRONUNCIATION GUIDE

tittie

bunghole

fuck

poop

vaginae

stank

cock-a-leekie

faggy

douche

shit (1)

shit (2)

son of a bitch (1)

son of a bitch (2)

nosegay

penes

It's been a while since I've added to the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project. Here's a great one from the Philippines proving once again that no matter where you go, kids are funny little pricks.

If you have one, send it on in!

PHILIPPINES

Isa, dalawa, tatlo,
Ang tatay mong kalbo.
Umutot parang bumbo
Parang kanyon di rapido.

English translation:

One, two, three,
Your dad is bald.
Farted like a bomb
Like a rapid cannon.

Sent by: Aileen

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!

Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct English translation

See all the rhymes here.