May 7, 2004

Wonder Twin Powers: Activate! Form of Toothpaste!

toothpaste twinsThe Olsen Twins movie "New York Minute" opened this past weekend, and along with it grows the hype that they are about to turn 18.

It's pretty comical just how much of a big deal guys are making about that. I've even seen countdowns on some websites ticking off the days until they are "legal." I think it's sad how quickly people can't wait to officially objectify and sexualize them.

As usual, The Sneeze chooses to take the high road and instead, offers this humble review of the girls' toothpaste...

Olsen Twins toothpaste is made by Aqua-fresh, comes in a convient pump, and is available in "Cool Bubble" flavor. Giving in to my growing desire, I tore at the plastic that covered the tube. As I ran my hands over the body of the Olsen Twins' container, it felt smooth and firm beneath my fingertips.

I gently tugged at the pump, slowly at first, but then with increasing speed. I could sense the toothpaste tremble within. It was as if the tube didn't want me to stop. With only a few more deliberate pumps, the Olsen Twins toothpaste exploded all over my toothbrush.

It was now time to brush, and my mouth ached with desire. The Olsen Twins toothpaste tingled as it met the tip of my tongue. It tasted sweet. Seconds drifted into minutes. I lost track of time as I thought about the plaque I was removing while I brushed in rhythmic motion. The Olsen Twins toothpaste and I had formed a union, and we were now as one.

My pulse raced, and the bathroom began to spin. When I thought I couldn't take one second more my entire body shuddered, and I finally spit. I had never spit so hard in my life.

I stood in the dim light of the bathroom and held the tube of Olsen Twins toothpaste tenderly. In all my years of brushing, the Olsen Twins toothpaste was the best I've ever had.

Olsen Twins "Bubble Cool" toothpaste is available wherever fine oral products are sold.

Final Grade: A+

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Posted by Steven | Archive