Below were the 5 finalists up to win my wireless router based on your votes. Congratulations to Dan H. for winning with his Nigerian scammer essay.
#1 - WHY I SHOULD WIN THE SNEEZE ROUTER
If I win, I will promote TheSneeze.com for one week in the following ways.
1) Whenever I hear someone sneeze, I will shout, "dot com!"
2) I'll ask random people if they want to see my "Sneeze wireless router".
3) I will subliminally throw in Sneeze related words when dealing with the public. A conversation at Starbucks might go something like this:
Me: I'll take a Tall Mocha, extra hot, with half zine, half blog.
Counter person: Excuse me?
Me: sorry, I'm not good with fractions, just make it a Tall Mocha.
Counter person: Whipped cream?
Me: Ummh, yes sneeze.
Counter person: Your name?
Me: It's uhhh, Steeeeeve.
#2 - NEED FOR A CHURCH
I need this wireless router for charity. My wife works at a church. It's a historic landmark, so running cable is not so easy. Of course, this is the 21st century, and even churches do a lot of business by e-mail. It would also be great to network the computers so the ministers, administrator, and volunteers are all working on the same set of documents and databases. And if everyone could print to one printer, that would save a lot of money that could be better spent on ministry. (Actually, I'm pretty sure she just wants to look at porn.)
#3 - IT IS MY DEEPEST AND SINCEREST HOPE THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU IN THE UTMOST HEALTH
I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE MOST TRUSTWORTHY AND RELIABLE IN BUSINESS MATTERS. MY FATHER, THE RECENTLY ASSASSINATED N’BUTU UMDAGI, LEFT $30 MILLION USD IN A SECRET AND SECURE ACCOUNT. I REQUIRE SUCH EQUIPMENT THAT I MIGHT COMMUNICATE WITH SYMPATHIZERS JUST INSIDE THE COMPOUND, SO THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DISCOVER THE ACCOUNT NUMBER OF SAID FUNDS AND TRANSFER THEM TO YOU FOR SAFE KEEPING UNTIL I CAN ESCAPE MY COUNTRY. ANY WIRELESS EQUIPMENT WOULD BE WORKING. PERHAPS A WIRELESS ROUTER IF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA ONE.
MANY THANKS FOR YOUR TRUSTWORTHINESS AND CONFIDENTIALITY.
#4 - "SNEEZE ESSAY THING"
I think the real question here is, why shouldn't I get the wireless router? What better way for me to feel more like a nerd than I already am. It would help me compensate for sitting here on a saturday night with no girls, no job, and a crappy dial-up modem to get porn when I could get this awesome wireless router and hook it up to four computers and get porn 4 times as fast, and by awarding me with this router you will be doing your part in the degradation of one more suburban white boy with a small penis.
#5 - "ROUTER CONTEST"
The simple answer to why you should give me the router is... I promise not to have sex with it. I know that doesn't sound like much of a promise, but really and truly I am the only person out of everyone submitting you essays that genuinely will not have sexual relations with your wireless router. Think of all the good times you had with that router over the years. I think the least that you could do is not hand it over to some person who would have his way with it, and not even have the common courtesy to give it a reach around. That won't happen with me, I'll only use it for a wireless network, or possibly even a makeshift sex box... actually forget I said that, just give me the router, alright?
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Posted by Steven | Archive