August 30, 2004
Spiderman 3: The Quest For Dignity
I've discovered a bizarre line of action figures called "Spider-Man Adventure Hero." I guess the idea behind them was that Spider-Man likes to work hard and play harder! (Without taking off his uniform, for some reason.)
They were made by a company called Toy Biz a couple of years ago, and have since been discontinued. I can't figure out why they weren't hugely popular.
Let's check out what Spider-Man likes to do for fun-- while hundreds of crime victims go unsaved.
Here's our old pal Spider-Man bungee jumping. He has gone out of his way to dangle from long strechy ropes. Isn't this exactly what Spider-Man does ALL DAY LONG? Maybe it feels more exciting and dirty when you pay for it.
I love how he decides to wear a helmet here, but it's not necessary as he swings recklessly across the skyline of New York, fighting crazed villains to the death.
Let's just put aside how ridiculous this looks for a moment and consider how the guys on the other team are supposed to feel. I think the reaction would be something along the lines of: "What the fuck?!! Why do you get Spiderman?? I don't even wanna play now. Fuck this!"
It's important to note that some Razor scooters can reach speeds in excess of 4 mph, so good protective eyewear is crucial!
Here is Spider-Man equipped with his "Spider-Glider." The only word that comes to mind on this one is: Really???
Let's say I can understand that Spidey was tired of swinging around the city on webs, and just wanted to go out for a nice "glide." Am I to believe this is really the uniform he'd pick? Powder blue and mint green, with dark blue booties, and a yellow bib?
My fashion sense is one step above homeless man and I wouldn't wear that.
After the attacks on 9/11, firefighters were declared the new "superheroes." Here's Spider-Man in a pathetic display of jealousy on 9/12.
Watch our mighty hero break a piece of wood using only the secrets of the martial arts (oh, and his super-strength the other kids in the karate class don't have).
Yes, Spider-Man, we're all impressed.
Wow. Suddenly that baseball uniform is looking pretty good.
Here's one of these toys at Amazon, to prove I didn't make them up.
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