December 28, 2004

Kiss and Tell

Most people have mouths. People talk with their mouths and eat with them too. And when two people find each other pretty to look at, they mush their mouths all up together. That's called kissing.

Once in awhile I'll hear someone referred to as being a "good kisser" or a "bad kisser." Now, I'm not one to brag, but I've done my share of kissing over the years (in part, because I'm so fucking hot) but I'll admit that I'm still not exactly sure what constitutes being a good one or a bad one.

Maybe I've never kissed a bad kisser? Maybe I kissed bad kissers without even realizing it? If so, it's probably because during kissing I wasn't thinking "This girl could kiss better." I was thinking, "Haven't I kissed her long enough yet to get her shirt off?"

Is this topic just a female thing? Is there some secret standard by which kisses are to be judged? Do guys talk about girls being bad kissers? Or even care? Maybe I'm a terrible kisser!

If you've ever made out with a terrible kisser, what the hell was so horrible about it? Or if you're awesome at it, why? Kiss me with enlightenment. (And then get your shirt off.)

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Posted by Steven | Archive
Comments

I think I speak for everyone when I say that bad kissers almost uniformly stick their entire tongues in your mouth. I can't think of anything less romantic and more repulsive than that.

On the flip side, I've heard from my friends who used to be in high school band that trumpet players are usually really good kissers. Maybe it's because of the well developed lip muscles.

Posted by: Kat at December 28, 2004 9:01 AM

Entire floppy tongues are bad, yes.

As is lots of saliva. Ewwwwww.

Or fish lips. Lips should be firm yet yielding. Not smooshy and floppy.

Also the same thing over and over is dull. There needs to be some variation, and also good response/adaptation to the partner.

Wow, I sure have a lot of opinions for someone who hasn't been kissed in so long. LOL.

Posted by: Mir at December 28, 2004 9:12 AM

I definitely agree with Kat, the introduction of the tongue too forcefully or too early is a big no-no. However, the WORST kissing style is the guy who covers your entire mouth with his - so that his lips are outside yours! The real thrill is when he proceeds to thrust his tongue in and around the general area so that when you break, it looks like you have a drooling problem.

Ewww, ewww, ewww.

And guys, the kissing does matter. So if you want to get our shirts off - a good technique is key. Bad kissing = deal breaker

Posted by: The Glamour Machine at December 28, 2004 9:12 AM

I had one experience with a bad kisser that I will never forget. I was at a high school party and was flirting with this pretty hot cheerleader type. Couple of keg cups later we were in the back room making out... but to my surprise and dismay she kissed like cement mixer.

Her tongue was fully extended and rolled in a circular fashion endlessly. It was exhausting. Persistence paid off in the end...

Posted by: mhaGGz at December 28, 2004 9:41 AM

The Glamour Machine hit the nail on the head with covering the entire mouth. Also, scraping the person's tongue with your teeth. HATE that.

Posted by: Carrie Jo at December 28, 2004 9:48 AM

Yes, it's true, women do not like to have their faces sucked, licked, or tongue-stuffed. That's for other places (NOT our belly-buttons or ears you freaks!). And guys, I don't want your nose in my mouth, ever. Or my nose in your mouth. That constitutes bad, bad kissing.

Posted by: choco-lip-chips at December 28, 2004 9:59 AM

When the mouth is open tooo wide and the guy starts drooling...ick. Or when he licks my lips with his tongue...eww. Or when he bites my tongue...ow. Or when he tongues my teeth...gross! If he wanted a taste of what I had for lunch, he could have just asked while we were eating. Geesh.

The key to a good kiss is knowing how far open to have the mouth and knowing when to get agressive with the tongue and when to back off. It's all about rhythm and timing, just like sex.

My hubs sometimes slips into slobber mode when he's feeling teenagerish; I just hit him on the back of the head and instantly he stops drooling, like a pavlovian dog...except in reverse, because he's not salivating as much...oh, nevermind, this anecdote sucks.

Posted by: Kate at December 28, 2004 10:08 AM

I once dated a girl who was really hot, nice, willing, etc., but it never got past the kissing part (well, not MUCH past it, anyway) because she seriously would simply open her mouth and...keep it open. That was that. No tongue movement. No head movement. Not really much movement of any kind from anywhere. Sorta thought she got lockjaw or something. Not a good sign of what was to come, probably.

Posted by: Dr. Beso at December 28, 2004 10:09 AM

I had a one night stand with a girl from Canada that I'll never forget. Since I was young, I thought the tongue in the mouth thingy was a definite plus to my chances for the night. She then proceeded to suck my tongue, and for quite a while. I actually had a blister the next day, underneath my tongue. Ugh.

Watch out for those Canadians.

Posted by: grey at December 28, 2004 10:24 AM

All these guys and gals are right.

too much tongue
too much drool
too much weirdness.

all bad things.

Posted by: Sarah at December 28, 2004 10:27 AM

Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I think a good kisser is one that's adaptable. Someone who is going to try things, figure out if the partner likes them, and adjust accordingly. It's as much a science as it is an art.

Posted by: Some Dude at December 28, 2004 10:32 AM

I think Dr. Beso and I have both kissed the same girl...

I disliked it for the same reasons.

Posted by: mzmtg at December 28, 2004 10:46 AM

I made out with this guy once that I will call the shy turtle. his tongue would poke out in my mouth and then dart back, scared and shy, back in to his own mouth. he then did this really weird lizard thing with even more darting and reverting. Let's just say it was a magically animal planet experience. confidence is key in my opinion...that and mad skillz...wha?

Posted by: charlotte at December 28, 2004 10:54 AM

I'm gonna have to say that a good kisser is playful and has varying techniques. Someone above likened it to sex - which is totally right, in my opinion.

A bad kisser is one that you have to wipe up your face after. Ick.

Posted by: HazelEyedPisces at December 28, 2004 11:06 AM

I've kissed quite a few girls over my two decades of life, and I can say that there are people that I did not particularly enjoy kissing.

1. The dead fish. No response whatsoever. Just kinda hanging there with her mouth open.
2. The lesbian. Not actually gay, but should have been. Used her tounge like a pneumatic drill and basically tounge-fucked my mouth. I felt violated.
3. For lack of a creative name, "Not so agressive girl!" Her tounge was hiding like Anne Frank, and only came out after some prodding, and even then, it was sleepy and wanted to go back to bed.

Posted by: the Shaolin! at December 28, 2004 11:15 AM

I have kissed exactly one girl that was an aweful kisser and one that stood out as a phenominal one.

The bad one tried to eat my head. The good one was just good.

Posted by: John at December 28, 2004 12:11 PM

I'm with the other ladies on hating the slobbery mushy kisser, the face swallower, and those who won't stay engaged in the kiss.

There is also the too forcefull kisser. Lips are to stiff and the kiss to forceful. I dated one guy like that and I was surprised I didn't come away bruised. Lips should melt into each other on a nice middle ground of firmness vs softness.

Posted by: Moi at December 28, 2004 12:22 PM

Holy Crap Dr. Beso and Mzmtq.....I have made out with this girl too!!!

However there was another one that comes to mind that was bad in a painful sort of way...she would suck on my bottom lip, bite it, and then drag her teeth as she pulled away from me.....needless to say she used that same technique on my nether regions as well....not cool...not at all cool.....I cried.

Posted by: TGog the Fu at December 28, 2004 12:32 PM

Hot mouths are bad too! I know your mouth will be warm, but hot? I dont like that at all!

Posted by: Micah at December 28, 2004 12:53 PM

I once made out with this girl whose idea of kissing was to mash her teeth as hard as possible against mine. It was awful. I actually stopped it and that's really sad because it could have went much further.
I was 18 at the time, so you can imagine how awful it was.

Posted by: The Bandit at December 28, 2004 1:04 PM

I've kissed both men & women, so I think I can lend some interesting perspective.

Bad boy kissers tend to engulf the whole face, slobber alot, or don't care that they're mauling you with a face full of stubble. I'm not saying you have to run to the bathroom and shave off that 5 o'clock shadow the second you get home; but if you are stubbly, please go easy. Now is not the time for full-on face suckin' fun. If I wanted to kiss 80 grit sandpaper, I'd go hit the Home Depot.

Bad girl kissers... well, I have to say the ladies are generally better at it (maybe 'cause that whole stubble factor gets thrown out). Memorable bad female kisses I've endured include The Tongue of Rock, who inserted a stiff tongue and then let it just sit there; and The Hygienist, who continually ran her tongue in the crevice between my lips and gums. And I mean continually, like this was her whole kissing technique. Ick.

Posted by: Khate at December 28, 2004 1:08 PM

Kat, In response to that whole "trumpets make good kissers" thing, id have to make an argument. I play the trumpet, and dated this other trumpet, and ew. ill just leave it at that. ew.

Posted by: Nanners at December 28, 2004 1:31 PM

The thing with a kiss is there should be a beginning, a middle, and an end. The worst kisser I ever encountered apparently did not know this.

He would approach me with his mouth wide open and tongue practically hanging out. He'd then assault my face and just stay there. And to make it worse once on my mouth with tongue inserted, he'd just basically stay there, tongue just still and like a dead piece of meat in my mouth. It was all together disgusting.

I fear that had I not ended the kiss when I did, I might still be attached to his face, some 11 years later and not married to my husband, who, by the way is an excellent kisser.

Posted by: be at December 28, 2004 1:56 PM

One of the bad kissers I've kissed was a tongue sucker. That definitely is not fun.

Another bad kisser refused to stick his tongue in my mouth and expected me to do all the work.

Sometimes kissing is way too sloppy, and other times, not sloppy enough.

Posted by: Tara at December 28, 2004 2:27 PM

Hahahaha. Bike horn at Xmas. Now all the memories/nightmares come flowing back. Thanks and happy holidays.

Posted by: Strode at December 28, 2004 3:34 PM

I've kissed one girl that stood out as a horrible kisser.

Her lips were huge, and when we were done I felt like she had covered my face in pomaid.

"I don't want Fop! I'm a Dapper Dan Man!"

Posted by: DSMarti at December 28, 2004 4:08 PM

I've got to agree with most of the comments here, I've kissed a few cement mixers and a few dead fish.. One girl was absolutely amazing though, it was like having sex with clothes on.. well not as good as.. well anyway, it was great. haha..

I think the important part is to adapt to what the other person wants.

Completely off topic, your son's jokes are great!

- paul -

Posted by: paulmp at December 28, 2004 4:32 PM

I dated a guy once who not only tried to swallow your face when he kissed you but he also wouldn’t stop. You needed a crowbar to get him off and after about three seconds of kissing it started to become painful. Needless to say we didn't last long.

Posted by: someone at December 28, 2004 4:59 PM

I've only had one experience with what I'd call an amazing kisser. It was.. just good.

I dated a guy once that sucked so hard on my tongue the first time he kissed me that the little flap of skin under my tongue almost tore. It was sore for a week.

Posted by: Shylah at December 28, 2004 5:20 PM

Maybe this is just because I am a guy, but to me a good kisser is a woman who is:

1. Good looking,
2. willing to kiss me, and
3. passionate about it so I think I might get laid.

Do I like being mauled by a tongue down my throat? Hell no! But the girls who treat your mouth like a dog treats its dinner bowl are the ones with fewer inhibitions, and they are much more likely to be generous with their goodies.

And I have a tip. If a girl is otherwise nice but a bad kisser, just marry her.

Even a moron like me can get a bit of sex from the wifey once in a while. But it has been years since the wife and I actually made out.

I tried it once a while ago and she looked at me like I was a complete idiot. Like it was something we had never done before and was completely disgusting. Like it was something that NO ONE had EVER done before.

Posted by: Joe at December 28, 2004 7:19 PM

Ok, I always thought that Frankenberry was a little fruity, but Count Chocula?! Say it ain't so!

The fangs must make things a challenge. Frank needs to make a trip to the comment board.

Posted by: Rob at December 28, 2004 7:42 PM

All could think of is that it's bad when she thinks it's the kiss that I wanted blown.

Very bad.

Really really bad.

Posted by: hendmik at December 28, 2004 7:45 PM

Gentle nibbling and sucking on the lips, a little tongue and a lot of passion = great kissing.

Bad kissing has been adequately covered. It seems folks are pretty much in agreement. I have one thing to add....no bad breath or ashtray breath! Brushed teeth and mints are a good thing.

Of course, there are other fun things to do with mints as well...;-)

Posted by: Michelle at December 28, 2004 7:52 PM

kissing a bad kisser is like kissing a St. Bernard just after it's finised drinking out of the loo. sloppy. wet. ferociously horrible breath. and sometimes furry.
don't ask how you will be able to tell if you are kissing a bad kisser, because with those colourful characteristics it would be very difficult not to know.

Posted by: addie at December 28, 2004 7:58 PM

Never had to deal with a drooler.

Knew a cement mixer and I can remember a pneumatic hammer type being in there too.

The two worst that stand out in my mind though were 1) a boa-type that seemed to magically unhinge her jaw to the point that her teeth were scraping my cheeks and 2) a lady who rolled her lips inwards so that the lip surface action was not at all on the soft parts of the lip but on the stiff outer edge. Very strange, not comfortable

Usually I figured out ways to adapt to the partner so it was pleasing to both of us but I never did find a compatible method with that last lady.

Posted by: Daddy-whos-yours at December 28, 2004 8:03 PM

I had a brief 'thing' with a guy who had come across as the best catch ever. I was not the first person he had ever kissed: I know he had been with, like, TEN women other than me.

So when we kissed, well, I was expecting something big. And then I just wondered, in the middle of said kiss, whether I would get anything. He just froze -- he was completely still. Such that I thought he was joking and I smiled during the kiss (if you could call it a kiss at all).

It wasn't disgusting; it was just nothing at all. I thought that I'd have to give him a talking to about this and the other matters of love that he was so hopeless in (this is a family forum so I won't get started), but (now thankfully) we didn't last long enough for me to have to sort him out and teach him properly.

Phew.

Thank God he's not around anymore!

Posted by: AM at December 28, 2004 8:05 PM

Ugh ugh ugh.

My latest ex-boyfriend thought it was really sexy to suck on my tongue to the point where I honestly thought it was going to tear off.

That and he had no energy in his normal kisses. He thought it was dreamy, I thought it was like kissing my elbow. Ick.

Posted by: Knitter at December 28, 2004 8:26 PM

I'd like to thank all of the previous commenters for giving me really bad junior high flashbacks... Ouch.

In addition to those responses, I'd like to add the kissers who explore your mouth like they're doing some braille dental work with their tongue, and also the ones who flail their tongues at light speed. (Shudder)

Really good kissers are the ones that realize it's about more than just what they're doing with their mouth. The way you hold/touch is rather important if I do say so myself.

Posted by: Aurorealis at December 28, 2004 8:55 PM

I've had a few experiences with the really slobbery ones. I don't want to have to wipe my face off when we come up for air - especially if I have to wipe off my chin or my cheek because he's been slobbering on that too. Stubble burns are also awful. The worst is the guy who kisses all over your face in an effort to try to get you to kiss him back. I usually wind up making the mistake of giving in just so he'll stop slobbering all over me. WRONG!

I'm not sure what makes it good, although I second the trumpet thing - the best kisser I've ever kissed played the trumpet. I think it's more than just the kissing - it's all the rest of the touching and emotional stuff that turns a not-bad kiss into good.

Posted by: srah at December 28, 2004 10:10 PM

I think these people should have to wear signs or something so that you can identify them as tongue-suckers or droolers before you invest too much time/emotion in them. Bah!

Posted by: srah at December 28, 2004 10:14 PM

I think there's a lot of great advice on bad kissing here. but i would like to describe to you a good kiss. and from a woman's perspective.

when you first kiss, it should always start out very tender and soft. and with very little tongue. you dont want to move too quickly w/ the mouths, or else the kissing will get very boring and tedious, very soon.

then gradually use more and more tongue, but dont stick it all the way out. if you feel a strain in your mouth or tongue, you know youre doing something wrong. little nibbles on the lips and some sucking is good to keep it interesting, but make sure to never do it hard.

i find that there are a lot of ways to be a good kisser without using your mouth. for example, caressing the face with a hand, massaging the back, or my favorite, stroking the hair. also make sure to not just stay at one angle when kissing. move your head back and forth. but only every once in a while.

do not just keep using tongue after youve begun making out. go back to soft passionate kisses on the lips every once in a while.

and last, learn to pay attention to your partner. kissing is like a conversation and you must pay attention to know how to respond. dont force things. just harmonize. but dont conform.

"The results you achieve will be in direct proportion to the effort you apply." -Denis Waitley

Posted by: genny at December 28, 2004 10:34 PM

I dated a trumpet player for almost two years and halfway through our relationship I couldn't handle doing more than just a quick kiss. Anything involving his tongue was just gross. He'd use just the tip of his tongue, very stiff, and move it really fast against the tip of mine. Very, very unattractive. Thankfully everyone else I've kissed since then has been good.

Posted by: Lindsey at December 28, 2004 10:49 PM

I dimly recall my most recent ex as a terrible kisser. Not only did he seem fully intent on licking my tonsils, he used to break off every so often to suck my nose. There is no bigger turn off.

Posted by: HP at December 29, 2004 1:33 AM

I was a trumpet player who dated another trumpet player. It was AWESOME. Only another trumpet player could handle one of there own.

Posted by: strangelove at December 29, 2004 5:24 AM

I have one addition to the bad kissing side: DRY LIPS/MOUTH! Nothing is worse than a kiss from dry lips....ummm i'm gagging just thinking about it!!!

A good kiss is best described as a dance between 2 sets of lips! You start off slow, gently embracing, and light exploring but no wild tongue actions! As the heat starts to rise the pressure and intensity should rise as well. It should follow a basic schedule of starting slow, building up, hit the peak, and then slowly end.

Note to all guys: Your tongue does nto have to be involved in every kiss! I personally reserve the tongue for the really HOT HOT HOT kisses. Kinda like a little flag that gets raised to say "I'm ready to get it on!"

P.S. Steve....you rock! love the site!

Posted by: Jen at December 29, 2004 5:36 AM

One of the best kissers I experienced let out little moans while we were kissing. Fantastic! The more senses you can add to the mix enriches the whole experience.

I think I saw fireworks!

That makes five senses, all covered.

Posted by: 'Nother Steve at December 29, 2004 6:04 AM

TEETH TEETH TEETH. I went out with a guy a few times that I later christened "Parrot Fish". He used his front teeth like a beak, trying to scrape the enamel off my grill! ugh... he went on to marry a girl with the biggest lips EVER. Im sure it was her only defense.

Posted by: Melissa at December 29, 2004 7:22 AM

There is only one indicator if someone is a good kisser or not: if the person being kissed becomes horny. Don't get me wrong, a kiss that doesn't make you horny could still be good, but it can't be as good as a kiss that makes you want to jump on the other persons bones.

Posted by: Don at December 29, 2004 7:39 AM

don't worry steve. i have the same dilemma.

well, if you're alone with the girl, you've been kissing her for 30 minutes already and you STILL haven't taken her shirt off, you must be THAT bad a kisser...

Posted by: ade at December 29, 2004 7:41 AM

I've just got to add a new species of bad kisses to the list. My buddies and I, about 3 or 4 of whom managed a sample (not at the same time you perverts... though once the legend was out, I'm pretty sure 2 tried to "teach her how to kiss..." ahh... small town memories) called her the "Ahra Ahra" girl. Her "technique" was to open and close her mouth rapidly, such that if it was open, she could have been saying "Ahrahrahrahrahra." The more excited she was, the faster the mouth moved. Quite distracting if I remember correctly...

Posted by: Tutter at December 29, 2004 8:09 AM

I don't think people can be described as GOOD or BAD kissers. It's all about the techniques.
Every one has his one way of kissing, it's like a very particular thing. Although, if you use very unappealing techniques, you are in trouble.

Posted by: Melina :D at December 29, 2004 9:28 AM

Kissing a bad kisser is like kissing a cocker spaniel. For me, a bad kisser is someone who smothers the lower half of your face in saliva.

Posted by: Anne at December 29, 2004 9:29 AM

Is there such a thing as a bad kisser? I'd have to say yes, but not nearly as many as are being reported. When most people claim the other person is a bad kisser, it's actually incompatibility that is the culprit. A good kissing couple is comfortable with the same amount of tongue, aggressiveness, timing, etc. I've even heard the same person described as both a bad and good kisser but two different women (with lil time for improvement between the two). BUT.. on the other hand, there ARE bad kissers, for all the reasons sited above plus two more I dont see listed. 1.) Complete unawareness of teeth. You ever had someone hit ur teeth? repeatedly?? retard. 2.) inability to adjust. You should have some sense of what is and isnt working with this individual. For example: Your partner is clearly not as horny as you are, she was not ready for the tongue, reel it in. It's ok to adjust, in the long run.. it will pay off.

Posted by: Jakaricat1 at December 29, 2004 9:54 AM

I have been fortunate enough to have had some amazing kissers in my life. The best kisses are those that you feel everywhere - not just your lips. Those who take their time and aren't necessarily trying to get somewhere are the best.

Posted by: Carrie at December 29, 2004 9:54 AM

I can't say I've given it much thought either. I can't offer much on the trumpet subject either, but I'm sure my girlfriend would agree that tuba players are where it's at though.

Posted by: Zack at December 29, 2004 10:01 AM

The whole brass section of my high school orchestra was comprised of good kissers. Trust me, I know, having been a flirtatious female trombonist. Although you know what they say about French Hornists: They make the best kissers, they just hold you funny. ... you know ... hand in the bell ... oh never mind.

Posted by: Fem at December 29, 2004 10:09 AM

i've had my share of badly kissing boys. this one guy was just sickening. he was trying to chrew my lips off. too much teeth. and it's all about breath. this one guy who kissed me at a party, (i was totally unwilling) had breath like that whiff you get from the garbage can when you open it too fast. disgusting. so, to all the men out there: brush and FLOSS your teeth for the love of God, and take it slow. no girl likes having her face mauled off by a stinky boy.

Posted by: Candice at December 29, 2004 10:10 AM

I have to agree with Jakaricat1, banging teeth is not fun. However, if you're with the right person (and you do it maybe once in a long time), screwing up like that during kissing can be very funny. It just adds to it...one of those things where you both acknowledge it for a second, laugh, and go back at it. That's how it is with my girlfriend. We are both very compatible in the kissing dept. and both very good at it and turn each other on when we do kiss. That would be one of the many reasons I'm marrying her. I've never really met a bad kisser. Blow jobs, however...now that's for another posting. Steve? How about "Blow and Tell" for tomorrow's post?

Posted by: bp at December 29, 2004 10:45 AM

Come on, Steve. You should know better than to ask people on the internet about kissing.

Posted by: Nick at December 29, 2004 11:04 AM

Most guys I've kissed have been great, but the bad ones really stood out. The last guy I dated was a bad kisser and it was the biggest turn-off. I tried giving hints and letting him know what did and didn't work, but he was oblivious. It also proved to be a sign that he was lousy in the sack. It was definitely a date-killer.
The other one that stands out in my mind just had a fat tongue. I think it's a genetic thing where some people can't roll their tongues at all. It can make them terrible kissers, but I think I'd find a way to forgive that.

Posted by: MK at December 29, 2004 11:33 AM

Hold on to your hats Dr. Beso, Mzmtq and TGog.....I have some news...

That girl you all kissed? She had a sex change and later became my boyfriend.

Thanks for the fun post. It got me thinking about the topic so I had to steal it and blog about it too!

Posted by: RisibleGirl at December 29, 2004 12:08 PM

I dated someone for a very long while who was a terrific kisser, but was occasionally (not really often at all) jokingly playful about it. Nothing wrong with that usually-- she would occasionally blow into my mouth as a joke, for example. You may think it's weird, but I think it's cute. But Shylah said earlier:

"I dated a guy once that sucked so hard on my tongue the first time he kissed me that the little flap of skin under my tongue almost tore. It was sore for a week."

Well, one day things were getting pretty heavy and she suddenly had the impulse to suck on my tongue. And guess what? With an audible *POP*, she DID tear the little flap of skin under my tongue. And we were one room away from my roommates, so when the mood was rightly killed and I came out of the room, I had to act like nothing was wrong despite the fact that I was bleeding and any movement of my tongue hurt like the devil. You try talking without moving your tongue from the floor of your mouth...

Posted by: Anonymush at December 29, 2004 1:57 PM

Before: A great kiss is that one in high school, you know the one, girls...it lasted for 17 hours and burnt your chin beyond repair. You were peeling skin for days. You thought you'd died and gone to heaven. God, that was a great kiss.

Now: A great kiss is love. As long as you're kissing the one you love, it's fabulous (insert aaaahhh here).

Posted by: Whoohoogirl at December 29, 2004 1:59 PM

Of course a kiss can be good or bad. In my experience once you pass puberty its not an issue though.
I kissed a guy who have literally drooled in the middle, it was horrible. But thus is the fate of a 13 yr old male.
BTW this site is wicked.

Posted by: Rachel at December 29, 2004 2:04 PM

I once dated a fella who was the most AWFUL kisser! He just opened his mouth (fairly slack - think Cletus on the Simpsons), didn't really move and - ugh - DROOLED! Not like a baby, but he was seriously saliva-y and I'd end up with a mouthful in nothing flat. Just horrible.

2 footnotes:
* He was 32 years old, and a virgin when I met him
**No, of course it didn't last

Posted by: RedBetty at December 29, 2004 2:54 PM

I had my first real boyfriend in middle school. We were both poor kissers simply due to lack of good ol' experience. He was a little too eager and I was a little too timid, and this combination resulted in his constant leaning forward during the kiss and my constant leaning back until we were both ready to topple over onto each other, which now that I think about it, could have been his plan all along.... Anyway, we were good practice for each other and I think we both ended up pretty good kissers by the time the relationship fizzled out.

Posted by: Val at December 29, 2004 3:28 PM

I've kissed a horrible kisser before.'

He left an entire ring of saliva around my lips. Ewww. He also kept getting in akward positions so our teeth would hit against each other. I had to wipe the exterior of my mouth off on his shirt multiple times.

Posted by: Ruddy Kitty at December 29, 2004 4:23 PM

It's all about adaptability. Good kissers read the subtle interplay of flesh on flesh correctly, stops doing things their partner finds annoying or distasteful and tries something else. Bad kissers dive in headlong, have no variation in technique, and are oblivious to their partner's needs.

This is why it's a good idea to keep your eyes open when you kiss, at least a little - that way you can see the look of horror on your partner's face when you try the wrong thing.

Posted by: Toneman at December 29, 2004 4:57 PM

Bad Kisser:
The guy that goes right. I like to go left. Do the same. Selfish, I know, but that's how I like it.

Better Kisser:
Will suck a little longer on the lip before pulling away. I'm talking milliseconds here boys but it makes a difference. Savor it babe. Keep the jaw relaxed but the lips firm.

Posted by: Kate at December 29, 2004 6:55 PM

to be quite honest, i've only kissed three guys in my eighteen years - the first two were miserable but finally i found what i like and i stuck with him (our two-year anniversary is in february, awwww.)

i digress. my first kiss sucked, and he kissed like a fish. the second guy had a tongue long enough to strangle me from the inside. but finally i found a guy who i deem a good kisser. so what makes him a good kisser?

because i said. i think the only reason he's a good kisser to me is because when he kisses me, it just feels right. maybe the only reason you haven't found someone you think is a bad kisser is because the people you've kissed just felt right.

gah. lucky.

Posted by: cherry_jolene at December 29, 2004 10:46 PM

My current boyfriend started off as the worst kisser ever; he would move his entire head in and out really quickly and smack me with a series of hard pecks, like a woodpecker.
After grabbing hold of his head, he was great and much more gentle, but I was seriously worried about him knocking me out with a headbutt before.

Another bad kisser was a guy who wouldn't move his mouth at all, leaving me to do all the work. All while staring into my eyes without blinking. Scary stuff.

Also on the subject of kissing, what's the view on public displays on affection (PDA). I don't mind a couple of pecks to say 'hi' and 'bye', but my bf seems to think nothing of pashing me infront of anyone passing by, even my friends and parents (I'm 16)...and especially when I'm checking out another hot guy. Are guys more easy going about PDA or what?

Posted by: aussie girl at December 29, 2004 11:40 PM

Ok, I agree with so many of these posts. And I have kissed HORRIBLE kissers before. But here is my question. For every HORRIBLE guy kisser, isn't there a HORRIBLE girl kisser who would be a PERFECT match for him? Isn't it just a matter of compatibility? I mean if there are people who like the slobbery-tongue-rotating- wet-your-entire-face- don't-bother-to-use-your- lips-at-all kind of kisses, why can't those people just find each other, have a grand old time and make fun of the rest of us?

Speaking of kisses, did you know Hershey's now makes them filled with caramel and strawberry creme????? YUM!!!

Posted by: lisa at December 29, 2004 11:53 PM

Couple of dead fish, cement mixers...scary.
I agree wiv lisa. hmm.
for every thing there should be something equal OR opposite. *nods*
however, Cherry_jolene put it right there. you just have to find the person that makes kissing feel right.
cheers

Posted by: Vods at December 30, 2004 1:14 AM

Hey genny, what are you doing later?

Seriously though, no one mentioned the open eyes. How freaky is it to open your eyes and they are staring right at you? Thanks, no.

My wife is an awful kisser. I love her very much, but she's the worst. I've even tried to teach her, but to no avail. There's no suction at all and her tongue is too elusive. It's only there for a second and then it's whisked away. No time to savor the moment.

And women, do you know why guys are so insensitive about the stubble? Because we can't feel it! We don't feel our own stubble. I kissed a guy once, well, more than once but the same guy, and now I understand the stubble issue and try to be aware of it when kissing.

Posted by: BonBiddle at December 30, 2004 9:18 AM

does anybody read the posts this far down? I've only had one bad kisser. She had a big, strong tongue. She used this tongue to... how do i describe it? Rub/scrape at the roof of my mouth. Like my mouth had a G-spot, and she was trying to give me a weird mouthial 'gasm. But in her defence, i made out with her a year later, and she was better.

Also, count chocula is a good kisser. I know from experience, dude.

Posted by: Pete at December 30, 2004 9:26 AM

I find it interesting that there are over 70 posts here and not one is a story about BEING a bad kisser. I guess that just adds to the appeal of the sneeze. Not only is it funny and interesting, but all of its patrons are good kissers!

Posted by: Mathius at December 30, 2004 10:19 AM

I am prone to believe that the good/bad kisser thing is a girl thing. When a guy is a good kisser he is normally pretty romantic or wants you to believe so. Or if he is a bad kisser than he A. Doesn't know what he is doing or B. Is more interested into rushing into sliding home (which is not necessarily a bad thing) .... hmmmmm

Posted by: MiddleSchoolTeacher2004 at December 30, 2004 10:23 AM

I was a pretty decent kisser (no complaints) until I started dating a man who used frenching to say hello, goodbye, how are you, nice to see you again, good afternoon, beautiful night, glorious weather, etc. For some reason, our mouths were just incompatable, and for that reason I kept biting him when he went in for the french. I haven't had this problem since, and so I assume the situation was just a one-time thing. However, looking back, he must have thought I was the worst, and that might have led to the early demise of our relationship.

Posted by: Berchan at December 30, 2004 10:34 AM

Now, I'm not sure if I'm a good kisser or not, let's just say, I haven't had any complaints. But, I know I've kissed worse kissers than myself. (Not to say I've kissed myself, but if I could I would dammit!) There was this guy that years later I found out had become a transvestite, when I went into a club and he was wearing the dress he stole from my closet. Oh how I loved that dress, and oh how he ruined it. He didn't even have the decency to match his purse and hat. Anyway, before we kissed he sort of stuck his tongue out, as if warning my lips of intrusion. He then proceeded to stick that thing in my mouth and give me a dental exam. No cavities that day. He then gave me a complimentary ball of spit to go with it, and even created sound effects somewhat like Darth Vader. I've been traumatized ever since. So let's review: Please no intrusive tongues, spit or sucking sounds. Thanks!

Posted by: PrettyGoofyRedhead at December 30, 2004 10:51 AM

I think bad kissing is manly a woman's problem. They can view bad kissing as a deal breaker.

Guys, on the other hand, can put up with bad kissing if it is going to lead somewhere.

We mainly complain about bad ones using their teeth.

Posted by: Weidermeijer at December 30, 2004 10:51 AM

The whole "guys mouth covering girls mouth" style reminds me of my first kiss. I was 15 and had never really kissed a girl before, and when it came to the end of the evening on my first date ever....THAT was the technique that I tried! So, after about 1/2 a second, I realized that was not how it should be done, and...I....fainted!! I remember the girls mom yelling out the kitchen window "Is everything OK?!",as I came to and stood up.

Anyway, after I mumbled something and made a hasty retreat home , the girl and I did see each other again. We even lasted a few months (and she taught me quite a bit).

Posted by: Felix at December 30, 2004 12:39 PM

One thing I hate is kissing some one for the first time and discovering they Smoke when you don't. There is nothing quite like kissing an ashtray.

Posted by: mtskull at December 30, 2004 3:19 PM

Towards the end of the relationship with my first long-term boyfriend, he had really let himself go. If he was lucky he brushed his teeth once in the morning (who am I kidding, if *I* was lucky, he brushed his teeth once in the morning). By the end of the day, his breath was FOUL. And to top it off, he grew a wild man beard that was totally unkempt, totally uneven. So he looked gross and smelled gross. Our relationship was already in the dumps and on this particular occasion, I was on my way out somewhere, but he wanted a kiss before I left. I almost vomited. I started gagging before I even left the room. For the love of God everyone, please brush your teeth *at least* twice a day! I don't know how that boy could stand himself. Blech!

Posted by: Val at December 30, 2004 4:45 PM

I'm wondering - are we talking romantic kiss or kiss-leading-up to sex kiss? Because I think they're two different animals.

And if my partner's got the pneumatic drill thing going on, it better not be anywhere near my mouth.

Posted by: Laura at December 30, 2004 6:25 PM

I once kissed a guy that opened his mouth and never used his tongue - I just kept searching for it...weird. The crazy hard jabbing tongue is awful too. There are a lot of bad kissers out there, and from most of the responses, the majority seem to be guys.
If you're lucky and you like them enough you can train them...Probably what your wife did for you Steve

Posted by: JK at December 30, 2004 8:31 PM

Wow, so Count Chocula is the bottom in that relationship. I would have guessed the opposite.

Posted by: Danielle at December 31, 2004 4:58 AM

In my experience, TERRIBLE kissers can sometimes be good at anything not involving there mouth (can be a good thing). But then I have had GREAT kissers turn out to be bad at the other stuff. Maybe they spent too much, time practicing their kissing and not enough time on the stuff after the kiss.

Posted by: Brandlegirl at December 31, 2004 7:39 AM

Ok, I see a desperate need for kiss training in sex ed classes. After all, what are they for if not preparing the youth of today for the procreation of tomorrow? And what kind of procreation is there gonna be if the kissing stinks?

Posted by: choco-lip-chips at December 31, 2004 10:10 AM

A good kiss is when you are with the one person who you love. When they kiss you they already know what you like and it sends chills down your body. Those kinds of kisses are the best. My worst was my first "french kiss" with a guy and he left a ring of red around my mouth. Not only did he try to swallow my whole face he sucked too hard. Needless to say i left never to speak to him again until a couple years later when he told me that he missed me and to my disappiontment he hadn't gotten any better simply because everyone hates him.

Posted by: myself at December 31, 2004 11:33 AM

Interesting stuff, but what about bad KISSEES? If I'm a bad kisser (and I would be sad if my wife hadn't let me know by NOW) I would want the kissee to not just sit there with my "grill-scraper" or "cement mixer" going on in there without saying anything. Why if I'm the type of lad who tried the "pile-driver" tongue my first time out and I was led to believe that this, in fact, "worked" ... well I might be a 35 year old man who has never once met a kissee brave enough to suggest something different.

I sympathize with you unfortunate people but lordy ... speak up! You don't have to take this oral abuse! Master your mouth and turn some of these bad kissers into good ones. Their NEXT kissee will thank you.

Posted by: Glen at January 1, 2005 4:10 AM

as much as id like to believe im a good kisser, im PAINFULLY aware of the fact (trust me, some girls have stubble as bad as guys, course the girls and guys i tend to hand around with have some intresting gender views....) your only as good as the person your kissing.

theres gotta b that chemistry! i mean, a person (by which i mean a guy, we aint so fussy) has to have a couple ideas in common.

how 'conserative' or 'liberal' a kiss, irksome terms but you get the idea i hope, and what theyd like to happen afterwards.

does that make any sense to anyone else?
am i the crazy one?

Posted by: pseudonim man! at January 1, 2005 8:05 AM

As someone who's been praised numerous times for her technique, I can tell you trumpet players (at least female players) can work it. And we're pretty fabulous at everything that involves the mouth, if you catch my drift. And I'm single. Just letting you know.

Good kiss: soft, slightly wet, interspersed with quick kisses and long passionate ones.

Bad kiss: If I need a towel or CPR.

Posted by: Taunia Trumpet at January 1, 2005 11:08 AM

Yo taunia
as a trombone player, i know what you're saying about havin sweet skills. I can "work it" too down below. Just so long as you have a trombone mouthpiece for genitals. As far as i know, playin trombone is pretty much only useful for giving people "rusty trombones"... if you don't know what that entails, then consider yourself lucky.

Posted by: pete at January 1, 2005 11:06 PM

Usally if someone is a bad kisser you can feel thier teeth on your face.

My ex was a "bad kisser" he didn't brush he teeth until we started making out on a daily basis, he really did have borderline fangs.

But it really all depends if you into that kinda stuff.

Posted by: Danielle at January 1, 2005 11:27 PM

Good kissers aren't born. They luck out and experience their first kiss with an existing good kisser.

My first kiss was amazing, as I had the great fortune of being seduced by a cute little number with a wealth of kissing experience for her age. That first kiss wound up lasting over an hour - on a stranger's front lawn, no less. When we were done, she had shared with me all the essentials of great kissing: confidence, passion, technique, and location.

God bless you, Aunt Louise, wherever you are...

Posted by: Paddy O'Poppycock at January 2, 2005 1:59 PM

The worst kiss I ever had...was where the...well...you guys have seen dumb and dumber, right? and you know the guy with his tounge stuck to the pole, and everyone pulls on him and his tounge streches on and on? Well, I was kissing this guy...and he grabs my bottom lip between his teeth...and pulled...and he actually broke a blood vessel.....violent and unarousing.

Posted by: kassidy at January 2, 2005 10:05 PM

Does anyne else find the Count Chocula picture on this post, somewhat erotic?

Posted by: JohnO at January 3, 2005 12:23 PM

yes JohnO, yes.

Posted by: stinky at January 3, 2005 1:42 PM

The first bad kisser is the sloppy "Ima try an' swallow your face!" guy.

The second is the one who you really want to have a long, hot kiss with, but he won't keep his mouth on yours. He just keeps jumping around like an ADD child and won't concentrate on one spot. When he does its to shove his tongue in your mouth for a little while, and then he proceeds back to the whole pecking thing.
I tried to slow him down and show him what I wanted, but it didn't work. If he had been a serious boyfriend we could have talked about it, but it didn't last, so no worries.

Posted by: Megan at January 3, 2005 5:50 PM

Teeth don't usually scrape together during a good kiss, nor do you have to spit out mouthfuls of your kissing partner's saliva. To kiss well, you can't have tight lips, and you need to not be afraid to open your mouth. And don't throw up during kissing or in the other's mouth. That's bad sign.

Posted by: Meg Kenny at January 3, 2005 6:01 PM

I've read all the comments on bad kisses, and I'm going to go barf now. For the rest of my life.

Posted by: Sam at January 3, 2005 9:37 PM

I can't help but notice the lack of male imput here. So now we all know the horrible techniques of various guys, and maybe some awful girls here and there (courtesy of Beso, pete, and Tutter).
However, how do we girls know if we're doing it right? Mention is made of a kiss being like "sex with clothes on." (paul, this is you.) But precious few of you gave any insight into how to accomplish this.
Despite receiving compliments on my kissing, i'm not arrogant enough to believe i'm as good as it gets. So gents, pointers please.

Posted by: kik at January 4, 2005 8:04 PM

Thanks to this thread, if I ever become a pimp, I will know to recruit from the local high school marching bands.

Posted by: Felix at January 5, 2005 1:53 AM

one time I was at a party, drunk and this girl came up to me and slopped her toungue into my mouth well yea I woke up with drool in my gotee and on my shirt and gaged.
so for me drool=bad.
But I was told no to long ago that I was a bad kisser and giving the situation I was in I dont blame her for thinking that especaly sense she was aquardly sitting on my lap the whole time drunk as hell and her friends talking to her about how bad her life sucks.

Posted by: ummmm at January 5, 2005 12:38 PM

Ok, i think what everyone is trying to say is that you kiss sort of like how you eat pussy....even the girls....not too much "wetness" or it will drool down you chin....just the right amount of tougue, and lips...i oughta know, i used to play trumpet, AND always got told i'm a good kisser.

eat your heart out, rookies!

Posted by: Spielzeug at January 6, 2005 9:29 AM

BTW....I want a date with Taunia....we'd make sweet music together...

Posted by: Spielzeug at January 6, 2005 9:35 AM

The worst has to be when the guy starts licking your face. I kid you not, I have actually had a guy start doing that in the middle of a make out session. To be given a sponge bath by someone elses tongue was the most foul thing I have EVER experienced.

Posted by: KK at January 6, 2005 1:52 PM

People arent going to say that they are a bad kisser because most bad kissers (im hopeing at least) dont know that they are bad at it... the few that know they suck at kissing dont kiss very many people so wouldnt have much to say when posting in here... that or it is possible that only good kissers come to this site...kinda doubt it though.

Posted by: someone at January 6, 2005 4:27 PM

my first real kiss was one i'll never forget. the guy was 16 and i was 13 but he'd never gotten his first kiss either. first of all, he basically just opened his mouth and sat/stood there. finally, after a couple of trys, he stuck his whole tongue in in a way that was very unpleasurable. He had braces and scraped up my entire mouth. it was throbbing for the next 2 hours. the ABSOLUTE WORST part of it, was that he was germaphobic or something, and kept on spitting, claiming that he didnt want to swallow my spit. if you think youve had a worse experience, trust me, you havent.

it almost traumatized me never to kiss again until i hooked up with 5 more guys and realized that he basically just sucked at kissing.

Posted by: Audrey at January 6, 2005 9:44 PM

I'm going to have to disagree with some guy way up there somewhere, I think his name was Matt, he was complaining about the biter. I love the biters. I had a Girlfriend once who had braces (it was cute, but made me look like a creepy old man) and when we kissed she'd dig those tiny, suprisingly sharp bits of metal right in my upper lip then bite the lower just so it wouldn't feel left out. It sounds painful, and it was, but they were good kisses and not easily forgotten. Though alot of my shirts got ruined, what with the blood and all. I loved those shirts! Damn her.

Posted by: Maximus at January 10, 2005 1:35 PM

I have been told I am both a good kisser and a bad kisser, but not thankfully, by the same person.
Compatibility is really the main issue, not so much technique. I bite and lick, and my ex hated it, but my current bf thinks I am a very good kisser. It is all about being confident and comfortable with who you are, and your willingness to share that with your partner.

Posted by: khavi at January 10, 2005 4:02 PM

i read a bunch of these comments, and i just wanted to give my 2 cents on this. now, let me preface this by saying that i think i am addicted to chapstick. but dry chapped lips are a deal breaker for me.

Posted by: julsey at January 12, 2005 12:00 PM

I realize this thread is getting really long, but I had to say something about the overwhelming response from musicians/musician lovers-

For the most part in my experience, ANY wind musician can be an amazing kisser... I've enjoyed flute as well as trumpet players. I myself play clarinet and sax and have had nothing but compliments from kissing partners.

The worst kissing I've had was on the part of a trumpet and a saxophone player.

It would seem that only the musicians that know how to use the goods they've built up can be good- sometimes they're just too used to an unfeeling instrument and can be a little harsh.

Posted by: Barisaxy at January 12, 2005 1:57 PM

(Note: I'm a guy)

I was fortunate enough to get a "trainer" for my first girl.

I had only ever kissed my family, using the closed mouth "smack" style. When I first attempted to kiss her, I went for the smack and she went for the standard open mouth and I made a smack/popping sound inside of her mouth while completely missing her lips. LOL it was hilarious (what a weird “first kiss”).

Well, on the next date she took me over to a secluded area and told me she was going to teach me how to kiss. She had to grab my head and move it and tell me what to do with my lips and what I was doing wrong and such. Oh how very grateful I am to her for that experience. We practiced for several hours until I figured out enough that it started getting hot. I haven't kissed for hours and hours like that in SO LONG; I miss it.

I have been told by every person that I have ever kissed since my trainer, that I’m a good kisser. And learning how to adapt and respond to a girl’s signals has helped me immensely in other aspects of not only lovemaking but in a relationship with women in general. That girl should get royalty payments for the work that she put in to me.

I have never kissed a woman that I would just give up on because she was so bad, but I HAVE learned techniques for "telling" women what they're doing wrong and they always adjust. Women are VERY good at reading signals and adapting. If someone is searching for lost treasure in my throat, I simply temporarily close access to that area of the theme park. After shutting her down a few times, she gets the hint and leaves my uvula in place. If she's giving me a cavity exam and I don't want it, once again I just occupy her tongue with other things or I shortly break the kiss. As long as I repeat the same -undesirable- actions every time I want her to stop, she ALWAYS gets the hint. From what I've read above, I have certainly found a new appreciation for the fact that I kiss girls and not other genders. :)

There as only been one girl that just refused to read the signals and comply. Of course, I try to comply and adapt as much as possible and it IS possible to find pleasure in some of the weird tongue action; but on rare occasions I just can't handle it. This girl liked to give me light and quick "pecks" on the lips over and over and Over and OVER for HOURS (literally). After a while my lips would get really tired of constantly puckering and it grew very boring. I did enjoy these kisses, especially when we first wake up in the morning(the birds were chirping, and there was a light breeze coming in through the sheer window covers); but as with all things, I need variety. But one can ALWAYS change things up by changing the mood; IE a little tickling or getting her hot by caressing her neck, back, thighs, calves, etc: Or the dog jumping up on the bed. LOL

I HAVE had some incompatible partners that were very difficult for me to adapt to. Some women have very small mouths, or they won’t open their mouth entirely; so adapting the amount of opening in my mouth to match her lips (in order to avoid sucking her head in) can be difficult since it isn’t natural. I have also kissed a girl that had very “hard” lips; that wasn’t fun. I LOVE it when a girl grabs my hair when we’re in a passionate lock. (Not pulling my hair, like she runs her fingers into my hair at the scalp and then just sort of locks on). Any sort of caressing or touching anywhere is nice. Variety is a big key for making me truly love a girl’s kiss.

There's also one thing that is extremely difficult to adapt to that is tough on me. I'm 6'5" tall. If I'm kissing a girl that is 5'5" and we're both standing, my back and neck will grow tired very quickly. Having a girl that is understanding of physical limitations and will adapt to them without prompting (Ie sit down or stand on something, or let me pick you up [my first choice]) is very important.

Posted by: Tahnka at January 13, 2005 11:25 AM

Kissing IS awesome.
There has to be a mutual thing with the give and take of the tongue.
Soft biting of the tongue and or lips is also a good thing.
I had a girl actualy suck my tongue softly and that was way erotic.
Kissing can make or braek a relationship.
Awesome sex,....kinky sex... is good......but a great kiss can make babies (plural).
If you feel likewise...e-mail me at specialops@sbcglobal.net and in the "to" block say kisssing josh
P.S. not married and no kids

Posted by: merc at January 13, 2005 5:02 PM

P.S.
Genny got it right

Posted by: josh at January 13, 2005 5:04 PM

ThIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SPIT. I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO STEVE. I think you make an awesome website!! THE adio on your son with the horn is absolulty HILARIOUS!!!!! Going back to miller lite now. Love the site.
-Merc

Posted by: merc at January 13, 2005 5:12 PM