January 26, 2004

Jessica Revisited REVISITED

Based on the 80 or so comments racked up on the last Jessica update, I think it's safe to say her online suitor pursuit has been picking up some steam.

You should definitely check out the comment board on that last post, there's some pretty funny and interesting things going on in there. You can find it here.

Click here for The Sneeze Home Page!
Posted by Steven | Archive

I just have to comment on the black and white photos! I love the contrast of the shirt and neck, and the detail of the hair. Whoever did the dodging and burning did their job well.

The first one captures a more open and honest smile, very “girl next door”. This one is just sexy as hell; the sardonic glint in your eyes makes it perfect. A very nice dichotomy between the two.


Posted by: Michael at January 27, 2004 7:05 AM

Hahahaha....actually, they are not retouched. I am not such a fan of this photo -- it feels very "Cagney & Lacey" to me. Thank you for the compliments, though.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 27, 2004 10:07 AM

Hmmm... Digital or scanned from 35mm? Regardless still a nice job on the lighting and composition.

Maybe Law & Order...not-so-much Cagney & Lacey. ::laughing:: Or… maybe a little Fall Guy. ::bigger grin::


Posted by: Michael at January 27, 2004 10:13 AM

Fall Guy -- that's funny. I was more of a TJ Hooker gal, but then, I think Heather Thomas holds a special place in all of our hearts.

They were taken with natural light on 35mm and I think these scans come from the negative. The girl who took them in a good photographer, so she was able to "blow out" the exposure a bit.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 27, 2004 11:16 AM

You know.... I suck at determining what a person looks like from a picture. I seem to have a mental block on the whole 2D -> 3D conversion process needed to develop a mental impression of someone. I tried online dating and found it very frustrating for just that reason. Although, I can already see the drawbacks to this style of dating.

I seem to require 2 or 3 pictures with different angles/facial expressions to really grasp someone. I guess the really odd thing is that I'm a *decent* artist and I can usually render a pretty good likeness of things.

Oh wait... I almost forgot the mandatory curse word. horse cunt.

Posted by: Paul at January 27, 2004 1:18 PM

I'm feeling the black and white photo. Something about the curly hair seems to suit your spunky personality better.

Posted by: Nicole at January 27, 2004 3:10 PM

Call me crazy, but I have to go counter to the popular opinion here; I love that shot of Jessica with the straight hair in that other posting. Something about her smile in that picture just perfectly matches her eyes and hair. :)

Granted, all three photos I've seen of her are wonderful, but that one with the straight hair is my favorite. ;)

And Jessica, I'd offer myself upon the sacrificial altar of suitors, but I've already found the love of my life. I can still appreciate how awesome you are too, though. :) From the way Steve talks about you, and the way that your posts show an imaginative (and literate!) bent, and the fact that you're so *real* (that was a classic answering machine message), it's pretty obvious that you're the kind of friend (and lover, I'd imagine) that anyone would die for.

Good luck on your manhunt! Not that you'll need it; only problem you should have is avoiding the psychos strewn in with the legion of guys who should be pursuing you.

Posted by: Christopher at January 27, 2004 8:05 PM

What a sweet message, Chris. Thank you. (I hope you don't mind that I called you Chris). That was really nice. You warmed my icy heart.


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at January 28, 2004 12:48 AM

Hmm...I don't feel so well today. We had a few inches of snow over the weekend here in NC (which will make some northerners laugh) but I think I may have played in the white powder a little too long. sniff, sniff.

I could use someone to bring me tissues and read me the fine print on mid-day infomercials.

Posted by: Dartangen at January 28, 2004 6:50 AM

*note to self* put a new greeting on my answering machine with a lot of cussing!! Jessica good work! You have men wanting you and a lesbo trying to convert you!

Posted by: Courtney in NC at January 28, 2004 8:30 AM

as I wallow in my self-imposed and blog-validated exile, I wonder what it would have been like to NOT be a horse's azzzz.. In deference to your search for hap-penis, I will continue my silent admiration. And this latest photo clinches the title for you J, Blog Princess, Most Desireable.

Posted by: Kurt at January 28, 2004 11:13 AM

Imagine my suprise when I stumbled onto this little nugget of wit and sarcasm tonight! Jesus, I thought *I* was funny! (Well, actually, I am, but that's beside the point).

I'm a gay man, Jessica, so I have no use for your more delicate parts, but I would gladly invite you to be my fruit fly and accompany me to family functions! Think about it...

Posted by: Shane at January 30, 2004 10:16 AM

re: shane's fruit fly invite

I think I smell a FOX reality TV series: "My Gorgeous Foul-Mouthed Fruit Fly".


Posted by: joe-random at February 3, 2004 12:38 PM

It was a pleasure chatting with you yesterday. Allow me to slip out of the faux skirt and pull the pants on. Schrewed and astute you are Ms. Holmes! Thank you for not thinking less of me for the rouse. As my intent was to give some rise to your techy limp disc pursuers, we can call my efforts a success.
All my best..

Posted by: John Doe (Abby's father's friend) at February 4, 2004 8:36 AM

Abby's father's friend?

Curiouser and curiouser...I am not sure of the intention of that nomenclature, but it certainly seems a tad filthy to me...do explain!

Thank you for your well-wishes. I haven't lived in Boston as an adult really, but it's a thinner dating pool than you'd imagine. Lovely city though, and basking in glory due to the Pats.



Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 4, 2004 4:12 PM

Aww shit, I posted at the old one. Anyway I just said Abby should pick the man for her.

Posted by: steven at February 8, 2004 3:50 PM

Not sure what board we're all following these days so here's my post again:

Having connected with Jessica, I'm sure she understands that I am not the best candidate to assist on her quest. As previously stated, my tastes are probably more similar to yours than hers, since I'm only interested in the female form. That said, I would be willing to collaborate with "J" if the men are willing to step things up a notch. I think we need pictures of interested men holding up a heart with Jessica's name on it to ensure that you all are who you say you are. (Whata ya think Jess?) Perfect timing for Valentine's Day.

Posted by: Abby_Beagle at February 10, 2004 9:51 AM

A great idea, Abby, but I the "Steven" who posted that message was not Steve who runs The Sneeze. Nonetheless, I would LUV (let's not use the other word lightly..) to have the gents step up to the chopping block. Let's post those picks and make it a poll!


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 11, 2004 12:25 AM

Agreed. So here are the instructions:
Men should submit a picture of themselves holding a heart bearing Jessica's name. Points will be given for creativity so make it interesting. No rules on PG-13 vs. R rates photos. If you feel that putting your best foot forward means a shot of you and your 3-inch schmeckle, so be it. We will need to consult with "Steve" on photo postability. Lets see how many of you boys step up. Photos should be sent to both nappyrag@aol.com and abby_beagle@yahoo.com
Good luck to all.

Posted by: Abby at February 11, 2004 8:15 AM

Hahhaa....Abby seems to have taken over. Move aside world, Cap'n Abby is here.

Posted by: Dartangen at February 12, 2004 9:41 AM

No I am not Steve of The Sneeze. I thought Abby, with her dislike of men, would be able to be objective. Where as Jess would be caught up with whether he was hunky enough. Plus I figured since Abs had nothing to gain or lose she would pick one. Jess can't seem to pick one. Which might be a problem with us guys? Regardless the plot needs to move forward. I'll drink some more tonight. I don't know if it will help but I 'll feel better
P.S. I am way to chicken to post a pic on the web.

Posted by: Steven at February 12, 2004 11:31 AM

Hey Dartangen-
Not taking over, just helping to facilitate. Have yet to receive your picture in my email. Step up you swashbuckler! Lets see that sword and your smile. If you want a shot at getting in Jessica's skirt you need to take yours off!

Posted by: Abby at February 12, 2004 11:33 AM

Abby -

"If you want a shot at getting in Jessica's skirt you need to take yours off!"

Brilliant! You are now officially my favorite lipstick lesbian!



Posted by: Michael at February 12, 2004 2:12 PM

Don't be a sucker. Abby is a guy.

Posted by: George at February 12, 2004 3:42 PM

You're like Lt. Caffee in "A few good men;" "you've just weakened a country son." Sometimes you need to overlook the minute details for the greater good!
I'm the person with the oar now that the wind has died down. I'm trying to keep things moving forward for the interest of all readers. Do you feel clever or stupid? Have you helped this board with your outing or hurt it?
Everyone thank George for being a buzz kill....
(All in unison) Thaaaankssss George!


Posted by: Abby at February 13, 2004 6:22 AM

I didn't really know you were a guy. I was just messing around. But now I guess I feel clever.


Posted by: George at February 13, 2004 7:56 AM


I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the key word in your statement is "feel". ::grin::

"On the internet, nobody knows your a dog..."


Posted by: Michael at February 13, 2004 9:14 PM

If it takes Abby to keep things rolling here, I vote her Chairman of this little comment thingie place. I've become addicted, and my fix is slowing to a trickle. Come on guys, get this heated back up!


Posted by: hcmomof4 at February 16, 2004 1:32 AM

/trying to flick his bic

Posted by: Dartangen at February 16, 2004 8:13 AM

Ok Ms. J.

This thread has been quite dead of late. Abby sounded a call to action, and Dartangen is playing with his… Zippo??

So what’s the outcome??? Did you ever receive photos? If so were you pleasantly surprised, or shocked and mortified. Have you met a beau, or has this experience shown you the way of abstinence?

Fess up…you’ve decide to be one of the “tall” women on the most disturbing of reality shows “The Littlest Groom” right?

And through all the waiting…still no list of “Must Have” and “Must NOT Have”. ::sigh:: Jessica, are you out there?? ::grin::


Posted by: Michael at February 18, 2004 10:30 AM

Damn! Out of fluid.

Posted by: Dartangen at February 18, 2004 1:56 PM

Gatorade Dartangen....Gatorade.


Posted by: Michael at February 18, 2004 4:35 PM

Dead? I go away for 1 week on vacation and no one can keep up the momentum? No pictures in my email either? Can't say that I blame Jessica for her lack of interest. Not one of you has stepped up. I guess it's time to fade into the sunset. Thanks to all contributors. I bid you farewell.

Posted by: Abby at February 23, 2004 6:24 AM

I GO AWAY for one week of vacation, and this is how your interests wane??? A girl requires a tad more fidelity than that!



P.S. London was lovely, THANKS FOR ASKING!

Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 23, 2004 8:49 AM


So...London...good times? ::grin::

Please tell us all about your exploits! Was there body shots and ribald times?
Did you see the Queen Mother? Did you hoist a pint for all of your loyal fans?


Posted by: Michael at February 23, 2004 12:09 PM

While you were tossing pints to Manchester United, I was on the Mexican Riveria sipping Mojitos. Agreed that the boyz have not demonstrated the vigor we had hoped for. I think we need to see some agression from the men or call it quits on this string. I've tried to keep things alive but must turn it back to you if you wish to maintain the life support.

Posted by: Abby at February 23, 2004 1:45 PM

Ugh, Abby, your nosey enthusiasim for Jessica's private matters is utterly unromantic.
Therefore I'd have to surmize that it was in fact your excess vigor, and not our lack of, that cut this string short.

Best of luck to magic J.

Dartangen will not be returning.

Posted by: Dartangen at February 24, 2004 12:31 PM

Lets not debate the guilty party. Whether it was you, I or Colonel Mustard with a f*cking candle stick, the fact remains, this thingy is dead! Not even topless pictures of Jessica could bring this back to life... (though I'm willing to give it a shot) Jessica?

Posted by: Abby at February 24, 2004 8:25 PM

Is a tit all it would take to get you lads going?

Seems a simple sacrfice...


Posted by: Jessica (NappyRag) at February 24, 2004 10:54 PM

::clearing throat:: ::raising hand:: Um...yeah, I'm going to have to say show me!


Posted by: Michael at February 25, 2004 7:29 AM

A pic of the tit would be a publicity stunt. But a pic of the fury bits would be a story. We have all sat back wanting and needing more. The wooing of -J is starting to fall…. Why has this happend? Perhaps the guys do not have enough balls to show them selves. Or is it the lack of lipstick love? We can not end the quest for -J's love.

Posted by: Captain at February 26, 2004 6:52 AM

Fury bits? I think that's what those damn Quiznos creatures are called! ::grin::

Jessica seems a woman of class and culture... Oh right...the message. Ok, Jessica is hot and articulate and has no need to show her furry bits to attract a mate. But a tasteful nude, maybe something with shadows... I'm getting a vision. Any good photoshop geeks (I mean artists) following this post?

Come on J, time to express yourself on the subject!


Posted by: Michael at February 26, 2004 1:24 PM

And maybe some way of making the picture 'scratch and sniff'? I think the missing link is pheromones!

Posted by: Kurt at March 10, 2004 11:07 AM

The sounds of silence.

Does this mean our heroine has been successfully wooed? Have two star-crossed lovers of the C-word finally found each other amidst this oppressive PC culture? Could the new couple be embarking on a literary journey the likes of which are only whispered about in polite company?


Then again, our Jess may have tired of the trivial and pathetic fawning on this thread. Oh sure, it's an amusing distraction, but toying with the desperate and the lonely leaves one feeling so... affiliated.


Wooing be damned, she throws herself back into her rock star, jet setting, lifestyle. True to her nature, forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and funerals with each successive layover.

Au revoir beau cuntrag, au revoir.

Posted by: tehkgi at March 16, 2004 10:04 AM