May 11, 2004
If Your Ass Is Wet You Can 'Sit On It'
We all have stuff. Some of our stuff is sentimental, like photo albums. Other stuff is important like tax documents or maybe a lint brush. But I think everybody has at least one item of stuff that is inexplicable. The type of thing that makes you question why it even exists at all. That brings us to the mystical Fonzie Bath Mat. (Click on it for a better view.)
Regular readers of The Sneeze know that The Fonz is no stranger around here. You might remember my angry childhood letter to the White House, or the sad story of the Fonzie postcard. But the other day I was going through a box of stuff, and came across this curious mix of plush and 70's TV cheese.
I don't really remember how I got it, but I've had it since I was a kid. And I've never actually used it, which is good because I don't think it would have stood up to too many bouts with wet feet (no matter how tough The Fonz is.) Besides, was I really supposed to stand wet and naked over Mr. Fonzarelli, so he could stare up smiling at my wiener with a reassuring thumb of approval? (On second thought, that does sound kinda nice.)
Either way, you cannot deny that its ridiculousness is pure and I'm very pleased to be its keeper.
Do you have a bizarre item in your possession? Something that makes you wonder why the hell it was even made in the first place? Something stranger than Rob's erotic pipe cleaner discovery? The comment board is now closed.
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Posted by Steven | Archive
I have, in my possession, a box of Pokémon Curry Mix, direct from Japan.
I don't want to know what's in it.
I bought a velvet painting at a gas station one weekend. it's a of a red devil on a toilet, at his feet is a roll of TP. He;s kinda sitting there like the thinker, except one hand is holding up his tail. LOL!
I think I left it in a closet at one of my past dwellings and forgot to take it when I moved.
I remember going on a trip with my parents cira 1983 and there was a roadside stand, that among other things, had a black velvet painting of... Lionel Richie! What the hell? I wish I bought it.
I have a realistic penguin puppet made out of rubber. I have no memory of where I purchased it. What I do remember is that in high school I twice donned a rental tux and and the penguin for the entire day. I refused to engage in conversations or answer any questions that weren't first directed to the penguin. I would only reply through the penguin making no attempt, aside from moving the puppets mouth, at honest ventriloquism.
Well, as much as one can "own" a cat, I own a black cat, jet black, named Hex. His eyes change color depending on his mood: blue for happy, yellow for mad. He was the only cat in his litter, and he was born on Friday the 13th.
I like it when he sets the girl scouts on fire when they come to the house selling cookies.
Okay, that last part was a lie, but the rest is true.
I have one of those one-week pill boxes (that allows you to separate your medication for seven days), decorated with the happy pirate characters from the manga/anime series "One Piece". I'd like to know how many children watching this series genuinely need to have enough medication that they need to carry around a one-week pill box (don't answer that!).
Incidentally, a note to Jamie: the Pokemon curry is probably quite edible, depending on when you got it. It's probably (if it's what I think it is) in a foil package; you just pour the contents into a saucepan, heat it up, and then spoon it over cooked rice and eat it that way. There's probably a semblance of meat and vegetables in it, too; and it's surprisingly not as bad as you might think. Not haute cuisine by any means, but it'll keep you from starving. Of course it'll also survive a nuclear disaster, so appropriate caveats apply.
[Oh, crap, you said you didn't want to know what was in it!! ::haha::]
I'm just worried that there may be Pika-Bits in it. Like that horrendous cereal that had marshmallows vaguely shaped like Pikachu's head.
We like to think of our family as culinarily advanced; we'll eat, or at least purchase with the intent of eating, anything. Including the "fruit" roll-ups that leave your tongue in a checkerboard pattern.
Like your pipe cleaner story, when my step-grandfather died, we were helping my grandmother pack up some of his things and I found an old purple velvet Crown Royal bag filled with little naked plastic women. They were just like the standard green army men we all used to play with, except they where sort of a pinkish-tan flesh color, they were naked, and they were not exactly in the same types of positions. Although one looks kind of like the prone army man firing a rifle. Interestingly there were no little naked plastic men to take advantage of the bare bodied temptresses. My grandmother thinks he got them in Asia during WWII. Not sure why he kept them in a Crown Royal Bag. She still has them, but I'm the designated recipient in her will.
I am the proud owner of a fine can of Mash Beer. I took the opportunity to buy an entire 6 pack last year and proceeded to give them out as gift, because nothing quite says Happy Birthday/I Love You/Happy Graduation quite like a 20 year old can of TV Novelty Beer.
I own an army meal in square, green, tin can. According to the text on the can, it contains brown beans with bacon. It has been given to me as a present by my brother, who had bought it on a flea market. I've no idea about its age. For those of you who've read Pratchett; this is my own personal version of dwarven bread...
I own two unique items.
I recently purchased a toothbrush with tiny cans of SPAM floating in the oversized handle.
We also have a 6 pack of Anheuser Busch water from the big flood of '93.
A can of 20th Century air.
I have an official Lucky Charms coin bank that plays the Lucky Charms jingle when you drop in a coin. I had to eat four boxes of the crap to get the boxtops. Of course the battery is long dead, but for awhile, before it died, it would play this trippy, wobbly version of the jingle when a coin went in. This was fun at parties.
Your posting jarred a memory that was forever trapped in the depths of my brain. When I was a kid I stumbled upon my father's collection of the tiny, naked, flesh-colored ladies posing in various positions. I can't remember where he had them hid but I recall playing with them in my Barbie Dream House. I'll have to ask my dad where he got them but the Asia theory is a possibility since my dad spent his youth travelling the world with the Royal Navy (England) from 1961-1983. He also has some old photos of Asian transvestites posing on a street corner from the 70's. Craaaaaaaazy indeed!
I have a small wooden box about the size of a matchbox that says "Three Piece Chicken Dinner" on the outside on a piece of browning paper that will fall off eventually. The top of the box swivels open to reveal three kernels of corn glued inside of a hole the size of a quarter. My grandmother found it a while ago at an estate sale I believe. I never did find the chickens.
I own a collection of tiny bottles of Tabasco sauce. Each one is approximately 1 1/2 inches tall and 1/2 inch wide at the base. The tops are about 3/8 inch wide with the lid on. Each bottle contains actual red Tabasco sauce, though I can't remember how much off the top of my head. Perhaps even more amazing (to me at least) is that these tiny bottles of sauce are made for consumption, not collection.
I own a Love Boat Barber Shop kit. If anyone wants to come over I'd be happy to work the plastic comb and scissors in a feverish Edward Scissorhands-like fashion until you're as impeccably-coifed as Gopher.
I also have three Mr. T air fresheners that I would be happy to rub all over you so you can leave smelling like B.A. Baracus rather than "beauty parlor."
Regarding the Tabasco Sauce owned by "nosleep3".
Those Tabasco bottles are often meant as single servings and often come in MRE's (Meal-Ready to Eat) The wonders of military cuisine, MRE's are freeze dried and irradiated and have a shelf life of around 10 years, so I would not recommend using the Tabasco mini's.
I own an "Egg cuber" ... for all those times when an oval egg just won't do. You boil the egg, peel it, place in "egg cuber", depress handle and voila! Eggs cubed. Literally. Not as in egg x egg x egg.
my husband owns a Q-head mug. you know, the all-powerful prankster from Star Trek: The Next Generation. He's got the headdress and pancake make-up he wore in the Farpoint episode.
I can't complain, since I'm the one who bought it for him.
I made my wife hide, destroy or otherwise take from my sight an Ewok mug. She actually had it on our shelves with some nice, homemade pottery until I really put the foot down.
A combination backscratcher/snow brush (the kind for your car). I think it came from some auto repair shop.
I have a Sonny and Cher plastic cup from the Brighton Hot Dog Shoppe. Sonny and Cher are cartoon hot dogs--and they're each eating a hot dog. It's the most fucked-up thing you've ever seen.
The funny part is, the Sonny hot dog actually resembles Sonny Bono.
I have an oil painting of Tom Selleck. Magnum-era Tom Selleck.
I have a can of PC cola ("President's Choice", sold in Loblawses in Canada), with its original sealed tab top, TOTALLY EMPTY. Yes. They sold us an empty, sealed, can. If it was Coca Cola, I'd be a jillionaire.
Steve, if you want to get depressed as all get-out, go to a Puerto Rican Florida flea market. There you will see all manner of (mostly plastic) junk that should never have been made, let alone bought. Another way to do the same thing is to order a plastics catalogue from an Asian country. In it you will see thousands of photos of ways plastic should NOT be used. Waste, waste, waste!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Makes you want to gag!
Hey Elliot do u actually check the facts?
Simpsons IS ANIMATED IN KOREA! You great"icon" is made in a "waste"ful Asian country. Ferk you and your pathetic racist, ignorant and ferking untrue BS. Damn you, asswipe.
I have a tiny wooden box with a warning reading "Beware tiny white bat" adorning the lid. Inside is a white baseball bad. Ahh, the things you find at obsure tourist shops...
* A can of Illini beer from the 1983 Rose Bowl.
* A can of Koca-Kola from Germany which encourages me to "trink Koka-Kola".
* Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock action figures
My cousin claims to have an unopened package of Space Food Sticks. He said he may eat one of them one of these days with a glass of Tang.
I own a 12 inch doll that has a smiling glass face but the entire body is engulfed in what appears to be a blue bear suit. yep. head to toe. The only human feature is its face, the rest is blue and bear-ish. My son got it from God knows where and gave it to me for Christmas. Gives me the creeps every time I dust.
Did I mention it is a furry and FUZZY bear doll????
I'm sitting in my office right now, staring at a painting of Big Bird on black velvet which I acquired in beautiful Juarez, Mexico. I may never be able to explain why I chose Big Bird over ET in a sombrero or the Pink Panther smoking a cigarette on the toilet, but I did.
Next to it on the wall is a San Jose, CA, collector's plate. Said plate features such great San Jose landmarks as the long-defunct Frontier Village and the fabulous Municipal Airport! However, this pales in comparison to the Oakland, CA, collector's plate I have at home, which features Mount Diablo! For those of you unfamiliar with Bay Area geography, Mount Diablo is not in Oakland. I guess a picture of West MacArthur Transvestite Prostitutes or Crack Houses on East 14th Street wouldn't have sold as well.
Also in my home, I have two delightful renditions of the famed Le Mannequin Pis statue. You know, the one with the little boy taking a leak. One is a drink dispenser (use your imagination) and the other is a cigarette lighter, which presents a most disturbing visual. The lighter came in a box labeled, simply, "Masterpiece". I must agree.
Finally (I could go on, but we'd be here all day), on my fridge, I have a relatively old-looking, circular magnet that says "Eat, Drink and be Fat and Drunk". That, along with my "I've got more time for lovin' since I got my microwave oven" apron, makes my kitchen complete.
I have a bright pink plastic mosque with gold plastic minarets , which is an alarm clock that plays the call to prayer (in Arabic) when the alarm goes off. Loud.
I have an oil painting of Elvis and Jesus holding hands standing next to a McDonalds restaurant and holding a hamburger each. The underlying idea is that they descended from heaven together to have some lunch. I commissioned someone to paint it for me years ago. It currently resides in the guest bedroom in my house so that when my mother or mother-in-law come to visit they have to sleep under it. It disturbs both of them greatly and subsequently keeps those pesky in-law visits to a minimum.
I have 2 packs of genuine vintage (vintage meaning pre-nillemiun) Michael Jackson stick-on tattoos. Each pack has 3 or 4 images of a funky black Michael striking poses that you can lick and stick on your arse. Or arm. Or, you know, wherever you want to wear a tattoo. One of them even has his signature on it, so theoretically you could write some dodgy cheques and earn yourself some Jackson cash.
That would be if he had any.
And if banks accepted personal cheques written on body parts.
(visit my blog! now! http://blandcanyon.blogspot.com)
I have an eraser in the likeness of Richard Nixon, complete with him holding a "Tricky Dick" sign that I have no idea where it came from but I got it sometime around my 2nd year in elementary school. It's about 5" high, a bit dirty from actual use and I long ago broke off his over-exaggerated ski slope nose so his face looks a bit goofy, but otherwise, it's a pretty good likeness. I wonder if it's worth anything.
I had two frog statues each about five-six inches tall. One is playing a guitar and one the accordian. They are dressed up as Mexican mariachis, with giant sombreros and colourful shawls. That's not the weird part...They are made of actual real frogs! Someone in Mexico takes large live frogs, stuffs'em and dresses'em up and sell them to the tourists. They used to belong to my father-in-law, and when he passed away, my sister-in-law asked for the one she had given him back, as a keep sake!!! I have the remaining one hidden in a cabinet. Creepy dead things standing there playing forever...*shudder*
i have a tootsie baby jar, which is a mason jar, once filled with tootsie rolls, on top of which sit a large screw on african american doll head with tootsie rolls for hair. this woman made these and sold them at craft shows.
Near the "OK CORAL" (actually it was the "JUST ALRIGHT CORAL") in one of the tourist trap shops in Dodge City, I spied the ultimate souvenior. It was a small porcelain urinal, about the size of an airline mini liquor bottle, and was handsomely embossed with the words "BOOT HILL".
50 years ago I decided not to spend any of my meager allowance to buy this marvel. However, I'll be visiting Dodge in a couple of months. Maybe I'll pick one up this time, to hang my false teeth on -- cost be damned!
I have a bag of plain m&m's bought right before they eliminated the tan color. I've always been bitter about that. I plan on opening them up someday and showing the creepy tan m&m's to my kids.
Similarily to the tiny Tabasco bottles, I have a whole collection of teeny tiny food bottles. Most of them have been collected for me from various hotels and airplanes. Heinz ketchup in the size of a jar of lip balm, tiny tabasco, tiny jams, mustards, relishes, you name it, i got it tiny.
In fact, my husband has to deal with not being able to use any of the shelves on the side of the fridge, due to their arrangement for the teeny tiny condiment area.
I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but my friend has a 5 foot rope he made out of his cat's shed hair, does that count?
My in-laws have been travelling all over the country in their RV for the last couple years, and they keep buying us crap from tourist shops. Last time they came to visit, they gave me a "mosquito trap." It's a very small (about 3/4" long), but working, model of a leghold-type animal trap. Weird.
not really weird, but I likes 'em anyways.
* rick springfield mirror that belonged to my mom back in the day (a sexy rick pose painted OVER the mirror, so it really serves no purpose)
* fish-shaped bottle of white table-wine that I found at an antique fair. dunno if it's really that old, though.
* rusty old cowbell my grandpa thought I was going to paint for some reason.
* a photocopy (on weird orange lined paper) of Denny Hastert's autograph from the good old days
* a wooden replica of the Yellow Submarine I made in seventh grade for a tech ed project. I learned how to file like a pro that year.
* eight different double-sided posters featuring
The Darkness, four of which are in my closet, two of which are on my walls, and two of which I think are under my bed in my dog's nest.
really not that odd.....but unique in their own special way.