March 16, 2004

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 2

Here is another classic dose of Dr. Michael from the annals of Stet. I had forgotten just how brilliant and refreshingly bizarre his answers could get.

All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.

Dear Dr. Michael,

My wife and I want to move from the city in Canada where we live, to a country town that we enjoy very much. However, to move -- we would have to sell our place for a loss. Which is more important?


Dear Stuck,

This is what you should do - if you can. If you do have a job, you could ask your boss "Can you give me some higher work, even though I don't want it? Can you give me more money?"

If you don't have a job, get a really good job that will pay you good money. If you study up you can get the right money to get the house. You could be an art teacher or you could be in the U.S. Army. Wait... you can't be in the U.S. Army because you are in Canada.

Canada has lot of snow and I don't think you should stay there. Your house will get covered up in snow. You could move to a little town in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I would prefer Gettysburg, because it has a lot of short towns and there are short houses and the blocks are always short.

-- Dr. Michael

Dear Dr. Michael,

I am a researcher with a big biotech company. Recently, because of protests from human rights groups, we've stopped doing tests on prision inmates. In order to compensate for this, my company has purchased hundreds of terribly deformed chickens for us to experiment on. This presents a moral delimma for me: is it alright to experiment on a chicken, especially one that has deformities?

--Confused about Chickens

Dear Confused,

I guess it's okay to do it on the chickens if there is something wrong with them and you're a doctor and the experiments will get them good. Or else, I think you should leave the chickens alone. If you do something wrong then the chickens would probably die.

You should try and test on robots or something. A robotic person that they use on Mars that walks around. You should get one of those that is mechanical but it has lungs in it. You could put the medicine in, and it has computer chips so if it malfunctions it's bad for you and if it doesn't malfunction it's good for you. You can get them from NASA or just get some scrap metal together. Then you could let the chickens go where you found them. And we shouldn't eat them.

I don't think you should do the experiments on prison inmates. I think if you do it to an inmate, even if he's just a prisoner and he doesn't have an alibi, and is going to be electrocuted, you shouldn't kill him off because YOU might go to jail.

Once I saw a kid that had an arm sticking out of his stomach, but I don't know where that kid lives. You would have to get the right I.D. and the right forms to fill out, and get the right address, and if it's alright with the parents and family members then you could experiment on him.

--Dr. Michael.

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