August 5, 2004

A Bidet, You Say?

I'm ashamed of my ass for being so uncultured. I have never used a bidet. They are simply a mystery to me, and I have so many questions...

-- They're all over Europe? How all over Europe? Like in every bathroom of every home and restaurant all over Europe?

-- Why haven't they caught on here in the U.S? Will they ever?

-- Do Europeans thinks we're crazy for not embracing the bidet??

-- What is the appropriate water temperature? Are you in control of the temperature?

-- What is the appropriate water pressure? Is it like a water fountain or a little jet stream just blasting its way right on up there?

-- What is the proper drying ettiquitte of a freshly-bideted butt? A towel?? Toilet paper???

-- Do you physically sit on it or just crouch over it?

-- Do you like it?

-- Would I like it??

-- Are they simply for asses or is there more to this???

-- Does anyone ever pee in the bidet????

So many questions.

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Posted by Steven | Archive

I think some of your questions may be answered here:

Posted by: Todd at August 5, 2004 8:27 AM

Every hotel room bathroom in Italy has them. Never tried it for its inteded purpose, but the idea has appeal.

Posted by: Scott Ventura at August 5, 2004 8:31 AM

In my experience:

1. I don't know anyone with a bidet. As far as i can gather it seems to be a posh person or hotel thing.

2. No idea

3. Europeans already think you're crazy (in the nicest possible way) Not washing your bum in something that resembles a water fountain probably isn't one of the reasons.

4. You have complete control. From ring of fire down to sub zero

5. Whatever takes your fancy. If pressure washing your backside is your thing then go for it

6. Towel, preferably one of the hotels or posh persons.

7. Sit, i think. I'm kinda uncouth so don't take my word for it

8. It comes a close second (literally) to taking Mr.Brown and the kids to the coast

9. I doubt you'd be bothered by watering your bum judging by what you've eaten on 'Steve don't eat it'

10. i suppose there's other uses - there's some mighty odd people out there

11. Some European countries consider a hole in the ground a bog. A porcelain seat shaped object is likely to be very tempting

Posted by: ToeKnee at August 5, 2004 8:44 AM

I would just like to thank Steven for posing these questions because I have often wondered the same things. Also, I have met one person who uses baby wipe/wet naps instead of toilet paper, is this a common occurance?

Posted by: jen at August 5, 2004 8:50 AM

I have a friend with a bidet. She says, "they're for THA LADIES". To keep that FRESH feeling. It's fun to play with the thing. You know, make little fountains and all.

Posted by: Francis at August 5, 2004 8:57 AM

My understanding is that it's used in lieu of daily bathing. Water is pretty expensive in Europe compared to America. I know that in Germany, sponge bathing takes the place of daily showers. Bidets help cleanup the "mudbutt" without draining yr pocketbook.

Posted by: rectalhorror at August 5, 2004 9:17 AM

Bidets are wonderful! There's two main types from what I've seen in Italy and France (mostly Italy)...the "sit-n-splash" and the "water fountain". I haven't used the water fountain, but here's instructions for the other:

Sit-n-splash instructions:
1) Fill bowl with warm water (note WARM don't want to scald your little red flower now do you?)
2) Sit over pool of water
3) With your hand, gently splash water on yourself while ignoring the fact that you're rubbing your crusty ass with your hand.
4) Use the small towel provided next to the bidet to dry off
5) Unstopper the bidet and let it drain all the fun away.

Sounds weird at first, but once you try it you'll never like rough, scratchy, toilet paper again. I mean, let's think about this for a sec...which is more civilized....scraping poo off of yourself with wads of pressed tree or gently splashing it away with soothing warm water?

PS: They also make great foot-washing basins

Posted by: Brian Richardson at August 5, 2004 9:36 AM

Now I've never been trained in the way of the bidet, I am self taught. From what I gathered, it is a virtual personal jacuzzi for your ass. There is a toggle knob that switches from 'bowl fill' to 'high pressure super soaker.' What I did is, I filled the bowl first with warm water, then I fired up the blaster. Since the blaster had to pass through so much water, rather than being a spray, it turned into a glorious spa jet. After you have the ass jacuzzi set up, simply sit back, relax and enjoy the cleaning.

Posted by: Dustin at August 5, 2004 9:42 AM

So there's a communal ass towel?? Ohhhh... getting... woozy....

Posted by: Steve at August 5, 2004 10:01 AM

Well, in the US i had to get inside the shower to clean my ass after doing my business. I find the bidet absolutely neccesary for my ass cleaning. It just feels better to have your ass cleaned with water and soap, than just paper. Yuk.

Posted by: salvi at August 5, 2004 10:42 AM

Somehow, after reading all of these responses, and the faq mentioned above, I'm left with probably more questions than I had before.

For the person who mentioned using baby wipes, several companies make flushable wipes for toddlers and adults. You can find the toddler ones with the baby wipes, and the adult ones in the tp aisle. Regular baby wipes are not neccessarily designed for flushing.

Posted by: Mac at August 5, 2004 11:35 AM

Dude! It's the Europeans that are crazy. You get the same cleaning experince from using a "wipey" than a stupid bidet without all the hassle!
They are so primitive. Wipeys are the way to go, they leave you fresh clean and smelling good. Try rubbing your finger up in there after you wipe with regular toilet's like you never wiped! Toliet paper doesn't fully clean you and bidets are just ugly looking.

Posted by: EB at August 5, 2004 11:41 AM

Wipeys do not AT ALL feel the same as cleaning yourself properly with water and soap on a bidet.

But i guess im biased, i am European after all.

To answer some of those questions (i can only vouch for Italian and Spaniard use of the bidet.

They are generally only found in homes. I would not use a public bidet EVER. Way too personal.

When i lived in the US i bought these metal bidet thingies that you attached to your regular toilet. I bought them in Florida.

I don't think you're crazy. I just think it's less clean to use paper.

It should have pressure, but not a lot either. But i guess this is just personal choice.

Towel next to the bidet.

You physically sit on it.


Only you can figure that out. Try one.

They are used only for the ass by men, women also use it for the vaginal neccesitities.

No, we don't pee in it.

Posted by: salvi at August 5, 2004 12:07 PM

My French friend, whom I stay with in Paris every now and then, refuses to have toilet paper in the house. Each time you've finsihed going to the loo, you shake of the excess 'stuff', then scoot over 1ft to the bidet, where you reach back and splash some water on your bum, rub some soap on your hand, wipe your bum with your soapy hand, splash it again, then stand/crouch and dry your bum with a towel.

He claims toilet paper is unhygenic.

Personally I've only ever used the bidet in our house for washing my feet in when I was a kid.

Posted by: Dunstan at August 5, 2004 12:11 PM

Funny how there are so many comments, yet so few people who actually have used a bidet.... people are just scrawling on the walls (Mac was here)

I live in Korea, and we use bidet's, mainly because of the size of drains here. They arn't as large as many of the drains in the US, and lkewise can't handle very much TP at all, so a bidet is a great way to clean your ass and save on toilet paper. The ones we have are usually electronic and built into the toilet. When you are done shitting, you press a button, and a sprayer arm extends out into the toilet (with different aim for boys and girls) They you can select from a number of buttons how hard, long and hot you want your ass to be pounded for. Generally once this is done, it is common to whype your ass once with TP, but more to dry it, so your underwear isn't all soaked.

ASIA has made amazing advances in toilet technology over North America. Heated seats, programable bidet's and even blow drying (which I havn't tried).

Posted by: patrick at August 5, 2004 12:46 PM

As rectalhorror pointed out, it's because Europeans are nasty, filthy creatures, and god hates them. They don't shower. Ever. A little spritz in the bad place and they think they're clean.

Having said that, as someone who poops a lot, I really wish I had one. I've used 'em in France and thought they were the... well, they were the shit!

Posted by: Rick G at August 5, 2004 1:23 PM

After I saw Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan) stick his foot in a bidet and then say, "It's for washing your backside," I knew I needed to try on of these mighty units out. Alas, that was 18 years ago and I still have yet to have the experience.

I have found that releasing thy bowels before showering in the morning and then fully cleaning, with copious amounts of soap, the anus I am left feeling fresh all day; unless of course another bowel movement presents itself mid-afternoon. I also feel that a good butt wash before sex is essential for both, or all if you are have group sex, as it makes the sex smells more prominent instead of the poop smells.

Posted by: Kevin at August 5, 2004 2:04 PM

This. Blows. My. Mind.

My backside also feels a bit tingly. I have to try this ...

Posted by: Gloria at August 5, 2004 2:46 PM

I love Bidet's. I could eat a whole box of them all by myself.

Posted by: travis at August 5, 2004 3:30 PM

In response to Jen's comment about the baby wipes... theres was an article posted on Fark a while back about Will Smith and his campaign to get Americans to swtich from TP to wipes.

Posted by: Brandon at August 5, 2004 4:32 PM

Wow, this is such an interesting discussion. Learn something new every day, indeed!

Re: Will Smith, he's been on the wet-wipe bandwagon for a few years. I saw an interview with him and he couldn't stop talking about how great they are.

Re: Bidets - These are great varying answers and stories. I still don't really know what's going on but at least I'm a little closer than I was when I started reading :).

Posted by: Robin at August 5, 2004 4:50 PM

Patrick, This electronic Korean bidet you describe sounds like the highwater mark of human civilization - a carwash for yer ass! Now I must know more. How many buttons do they have? And are there any odd ones (ie. perfume or hot wax)?

Posted by: vladdie at August 5, 2004 7:03 PM

Well, I'm a baby-wiper. I can't even use toilet paper anymore unless I have no choice. I mean, all you're doing with the dry TP is smearing your poo all over your backside; If you think you're clean, go grab a baby wipe and run it over your 'clean' butt and see what color the wipe turns.

Anyway. bidet. YES. I'm American and had the pleasure of using one in France. I wish they were more common here as it saves tons of paper and is just way cleaner.

Posted by: CuteLucca at August 5, 2004 8:09 PM

I've used a bidet once, and it was in the USA. A hotel somewhere, but I don't remember where. It was pretty nice. I only peed before using it. Not sure I'd be willing to use my hands to dig out the dirt after a bowel movement, though. I tend to crap a lot (and often) so I'd probably still be using a lot of tp even if a bidet was available.

When I went to Paris in 1996, my hotel didn't have a bidet. Very disappointing.

Posted by: Liz at August 5, 2004 8:44 PM

I long for a bidet...I wish Americans would get with the program.

Somebody put it really well once: If you got shit on your arm, would you just scrub it off with some Kleenex? No, you'd WASH. Why is it more okay to walk around with a poopy crotch?


I can't just carry wet-wipes with me, but I usually at least moisten the tp. Scrubbing with dry paper just seems half-assed, so to speak.

And what's with insulting all of the Europeans about being unclean, when we are the ones with stinky butts? Huh?

Posted by: Scarica at August 5, 2004 9:14 PM

Wait--now I have even more questions. I sit on it, but it doesn't have a seat like a toilet? I am going to sit right on the porcelain? What if the previous "user of the towel" didn't completely clean themselves? Good God, are my pants still on? This seems time consuming. I have two kids, one that is usually screaming while I am finally getting a chance to go, the other usually decides that she has to go as soon as I sit down. I will stick to my Sesame Street flushable wipes.

Posted by: ellen at August 5, 2004 9:15 PM

I've used a bidget on several occasions, in France and Italy. They're very practical for washing your feet, especially since tubs are less common over there. Oh, and it's pronounced BEE-GAY.

Posted by: ticklemepink at August 5, 2004 9:31 PM

I mean BEE-DAY.

Posted by: ticklemepink at August 5, 2004 9:33 PM

I don't know about the rest of you, but my ass feels pretty gross after reading all of this.

Posted by: brandy at August 5, 2004 9:55 PM

I don't know about most of mainland Europe but I don't think I've ever seen a bidet in the UK in my entire 28 years of existence. Then again, I don't consider myself European, anyway.

It wouldn't surprise me to find that most of the rest of Europe had bidets, they probably need them to clean their nasty butts. Perhaps the next item to become common in European washrooms could be a razor implement so the 'ladies' could shave their armpits and anywhere else with an over-abundance of hair not welcome on a fine woman.

Bidets are intriguing objects and I don't see how merely 'splashing' a little water onto a poo covered ass will thoroughly clean it. Have you ever stumbled into a toilet to find that someone has left skidmarks all around the pan with some God-forsaken turd? Even a powerful jet of beer whizz won't move that particular stain, so how is a light shower of water on a similarly soiled rectum going to work?

Madness, sheer madness.

Posted by: Richard at August 6, 2004 1:25 AM

This is incredibly informative. From all the collected information thus far, the bidet sounds heaps better than tp, not to mention better for the environment. But since I havent seen a bidet since France in '97, perhaps I'll check out these wet-wipes...

Posted by: liv at August 6, 2004 2:00 AM

OK, I'm european, and I've had bidets in most of my homes, my mother made me use the bidet alot when I was a little kid with moderate wiping skills, here's my feedback.

1/ They're not all over Europe, many newer homes don't have them. Many people have them taken out of their bathrooms to gain space. I took mine out to put in a washing machine. Fancy hotels have them. Generally, bidets tend to disappear.

2/ They havn't caught in the US, and I have no clue why. I think bidets were very useful when toilet paper was not widely available.

3/ Europeans dont think americans are crazy for not embrassing the bidet, as many european homes dont have them.

4/ Adjust water to whatever temperature feels good. You are in control of the temperature like with any bathtub or sink.

5/ Most of the time, there is no little jet blasting up your butt, so pressure doesnt matter, you usually close it and let it fill up a bit, and use a wash cloth of some type.

6/ Proper etiquette goes like this : wipe with TP, THEN use the bidet to wash whatever you need to wash with warm water and soap. Use a regular towel to dry your bum.

7/ You sit on it facing the faucet, giving you control of the water.

8/ Yes, I like it but havn't used it in a while. You get a fresh and clean feeling, guys also like to feel fresh and clean down there.

9/ You'd definetly like it, but I'm sure you'd come up with a distorted way to use it.

10/ They are not just for asses, even though it's their primary use. Poop, wipe and wash. Bidets were used as birth control before other methods were widely available (ie : pill, condoms). Women would wash out semen right after intercourse. Women (especially menstruating women) also use it for intimate washing (change pad, wash, use new pad). Both men and women can use it after sex to wash their tools. Bidets are still widespread in brothels.

Basically, everytime you've washed your ass/genitals in a sink or taken a shower just so you could wash your ass/genitals, a bidet would have been handy.

Some people wash their feet in them, although I tend to think that I'd rather not wash my feet where someone just squatted to wash their ass, and that when there's need to wash the feet, there's need to wash the whole body.

11/ I've peed many times in a bidet when I was being potty trained. In my grandparent's home, there was no toilet on the first floor, but there was a bidet that came very handy at night.

Posted by: Chris at August 6, 2004 3:20 AM

Anyone that thinks we're crazy for using bidets needs to try one. It's so much cleaner, and your ass feels a lot nicer than just using paper. I guess wet wipyes are better than TP, but you can't beat a bidet. I literally get a rash when i don't wash with water and soap.

I forgot to mention, yes, we do use it to wash our feet as well.

Yes you sit on the porcelain.

No, there is never manure on the porcelain, why would there be? you're cleaning the center of your crack, which is hovering above the open area of the bidet. I dont dance and smear my ass crack on the rim of the bidet.

You squat from the toilet to the bidet.

I've never seen them in public bathrooms, or restaurants/bars. They are found in Homes and Hotels. At least in Italy and Spain. (i also think france, but i've only been there in vacation)-In france i've seen public bathrooms that are just a hole on the floor. You squat/stand and do your business, after which you exit your cubicle and the whole thing is washed as if it were a big washing machine- walls and everything.

And yes, the electronic toilets with buttons that have thingy that extends and washes your ass are also found here.(meaning you can buy them for your home) but people still tend to prefer the bidet all by itself. Europe is generally harder to embrance new things though, imo.

Posted by: salvi at August 6, 2004 3:22 AM

Well, although it is true that flats, etc do not have space for a bidet- i bought one of the toilet incorporates ones for my flat.

My parents that bought about 3 years ago a 3 story house, do have space for it, and have a bidet in 4 of the 5 bathrooms the house has. Only the guest bathroom is missing it.

And well, if you had manure on your face, would you clean it with just paper? or would you wash it?

Why would you give your ass a lesser treatment?

Posted by: salvi at August 6, 2004 3:39 AM

This is the most psychadelic discussion EVER.

Posted by: Pythagore at August 6, 2004 4:53 AM

I agree with the foot bath comment. While in Spain, I spent a lot of time on the beach, which was just a short walk from our room. It was the perfect height and pressure for getting the sand off of the tootsies.

Posted by: momosan at August 6, 2004 7:10 AM

The Japanese (arguably the most poo-obsessed people on the planet) have built a mutant-hybrid bidet/toilet that seals in all the poo gasses, plays soothing music, and sprays water on your bum. All it needs is a tesla coil. This coming from the same people who developed a pill that neutralizes your poot smell.

Posted by: rectalhorror at August 6, 2004 7:44 AM

For all of those who mentioned they want to try wipeys but didn't want to cart them around outside the house, you can find convenient individually wrapped ones that you can stash in a pocket or bag. Just a few at a time! We went camping the other week, where there was no shower or hope of shower for the whole weekend, and dammit if those wipeys weren't the saving grace for all nine people. Not sure if the ones I had were flushies or not.

Posted by: Mandalei at August 6, 2004 8:19 AM

That Bidet towel everyone's talking about must a be a hell of a nasty rag!
What if someone accidentally dries their face with it? Does it have a warning sign? Or is it fireball fuchsia to distinguish it?

Posted by: EB at August 6, 2004 8:35 AM

ooh heres an idea. Eat a KFC for lunch everyday and rob a few hand wipe thingys. Then when you'll get a turtle head later in the day you'll have a wet wipe for that very special occasion

might not be the healthiest way to eat but your bum will be lemon fresh

Posted by: Toeknee at August 6, 2004 8:40 AM

My first bidet experience was at friends house in Indiana. They had a handicapped son so had a large bathroom and a roll in shower. They had a bidet as well.

it was very easy to work for a bidet virgin, you just pivot on one foot from the toilet to the bidet and face the other way on the bidet.

Ladies, try a bidet you'll like it, oh momma. I made excuses to go the bathroom that weekend.

Would love to have one, but no room, but do have baby wipes next to to the toilet.

Posted by: jen s. at August 6, 2004 8:50 AM

People, people, people. I have but one word for you: "Cottonelle Pre-Moistened Flushable Wipes!" Okay, so that's 4 1/2 words but since switching to the wipes, me bum is so clean I feel I can now take liberties like that. Go to the store, buy the wipes, eat something, wait, crap, and then use said wipes. You will never have felt so thoroughly "refreshed" in all your life. One small word of caution, though -- don't flush more than two at once or your toilet will explode.

Posted by: chocky at August 6, 2004 10:18 AM

i just got back from a month in europe and they had them in every hotel room in france, spain, and italy we stayed in from the 65 euro a night to the 200 euro a night place.

i love them. you have control over everything including direction.

the towel and soap are dedicated to them and if you grab a towel off a rack that's three feet below a normal towel rack and sitting next to a bidet to wipe your face then you're just asking for a face full of ass.

and for the love of god wipe with tp first who wants to wash away a whole glob of shit with their hands? ew.

i was informed that in greece they mostly use them as a foot washer but i don't know how reliable that source is.

as a woman, i like them for after sex clean up too instead of having to take a shower to avoid the four hour post coital fluid seepage. ok, that was an overshare.

Posted by: inconspicuous attack toad at August 6, 2004 10:23 AM

So I guess the term "brown-nosing" is hard to translate into many European languages?

Posted by: Eric at August 6, 2004 11:28 AM

I'm not a germ-o-phobe, but nearly everything I've heard about the bidet, especially the sit-n-splash kind, seems excessively germ filled. The water may look clean but it has everyone else's, including your own, poo germs in it, just like a toilet.

I don't enjoy the splash-back I get from dropping a bomb in the toilet, why would I like a bidet. Trust me, my disliking of the splash-back is not a temperature issue. I don't like to think about whatever is in that toilet water now festering on my ass all day.

The bidet towel is insane! Once again, though it may not have skid marks, it's drenched in ass water germs.

Perhaps my shit is just exceptionally clean. Barring the occasional Taco Bell run-to-the-border I often find little to no fecal matter on my TP after multiple passes (hey, we all look).

I have used wipes, primarily on backpacking trips with no access to restrooms. They do the job nicely. I never considered replacing tp all together, but then again when I go shopping I don't give the same amount of thought to the toiletries aisle as I do the cereal aisle. Neither do tp advertisers. Face it you never see the Charmin Baby shouting, "They're GRRRRRRREAT!"

In the American mind there is nothing more useless and worthless than what you wipe your ass.

Posted by: fist fulla TP at August 6, 2004 12:38 PM


Posted by: fist fulla TP at August 6, 2004 12:41 PM

There's a towel exclusevely put apart for the bidet. You use it AFTER YOU HAVE WASHED YOURSELF WITH WATER AND SOAP. Why would it be disgusting to re-use? Don't you wash your body with water and soap? or you mean to tell me that you only use the towel once and then wash it? You must have very lovely and caring wife if so.

We do use a paper towel to clean of the excess and flush that. Then you move to the bidet and procced to use water and soap to clean yourself.

I stand by my opinion that it can't be beat by any paper- wet or not.

And yes, women do use it for after sex cleaneage. Also, yes, i use it on weekends when i come back from the beach to clean the sand off my feet (i live in the northern coast of Spain).

Posted by: salvi at August 6, 2004 12:50 PM

Man Do I want to try a bidet. It sounds like eating a York Peppermint Paddy with your ass all refreshing and what not.

Posted by: ASS MAN at August 6, 2004 1:58 PM

I have to say, I'm just gobsmacked at how passionate some of the previous commenters are on both sides of the issue. I'm also pretty impressed that I found myself unable to stop reading an argument about the best way to take a shit.

Posted by: Jenno at August 6, 2004 2:30 PM

Just a little comment to the first question:

They are not all over Europe. They are almost exlusively found in Southern Europe, unless a person decides to install one at home. I have never seen them north of France/Southern Germany.

I've never tried it, though I've been tempted. Especially after reading this whole thing, it sounds like I've missed out!! I remember vacations south as a kid, giggling as my parents attempted to explain what is was.

Posted by: scandinavian at August 6, 2004 5:14 PM

For any of you who have trouble with skid marks, this is the thing! Your undies will be beautiful for longer. I personally would love to have one in my home, but alas, can't afford it. FYI: Does not negate the need to shower daily.

Also, there IS a whole species of porn out there concerned with the bidet.

Posted by: gigi at August 6, 2004 6:10 PM

No it dosen't negate the need to shower everyday. In fact, i shower twice a day, in the morning before going to work and at night before going to sleep. Europeans are not all that dirty anymore. ;)

Posted by: salvi at August 6, 2004 6:39 PM

I worked as a plumber's assistant for two summers with my uncle's company. I still remember the day we installed a bidet in one of the fancy, posh houses in town. It was like a mix between a bathroom sink and a drinking fountain. It had a hot and cold handle to regulate flow and temperature, and it would come out in what would be considered a classic schoolyard drinking fountain arc! What truly amazed me, however, was that the owner of the sullied ass was supposed to sit on it motorcycle style. Now, if they started making bidets with ape-hanger style handle bars on the back, I bet you see their sales sky rocket state side.

Posted by: mikki at August 6, 2004 9:43 PM


Posted by: Test at August 6, 2004 9:56 PM

re: electronic tolet/bidet

They usually ha about 10 or so buttons on the right hand side of the shitter, almost like an am rest

the buttons select different functions and scroll through different options/strengths and patterns which you can preset to your liking, but as far as I know there are only a few options: bidet (from different angles and pressures/tempreatures) and temp(of the seat) and air (a hair dryer shot up the ass anyone??)

They have other gimmicky ones, but i donno what they have that is different/ unique i think only air freshner....these are all VERY expensive toilets though, but they are fairly popular...

Posted by: patrick at August 6, 2004 11:53 PM

My parents have one in their ensuite bathroom. I never used it when I was living at home, but on hot days the cat liked to sleep in it (apparently the porcelain was nice and cool). And yes, I did turn on the water to see him panic and leap out.

Posted by: Meg at August 7, 2004 12:55 PM

After reading up on the bidet, I wish I'd had one after giving birth to my two girls.

The bidet sounds like it functions in the same way as a Sitz Bath. Any of you ladies who've given birth in the US probably know this already:
A Sitz bath is basically shaped like an upside down sombrero with small holes near the rim for drainage. A heavy duty plastic bag is filled with hot water and attached to a plastic tube with a flow control. The end of the plastic tube is attached to the inside of the bowl. The bowl itself is filled with warm water. You sit on the bowl and let the warm water wash yourself, and open the flow control as needed to regulate the temperature. The excess water drains through the little holes into the toilet. When you're all done, you just flush that water away and pat yourself dry with a towel or a disposable cloth napkin.

This may seem like a gross thing to do, but when you've just given birth your vaginal area is very swollen and sometimes even torn and/or stitched. Sometimes even your butt can be swollen shut. And don't even get me started on the hemorrhoids. You REALLY don't want to use toilet paper at a time like that, for reasons of both comfort and infection. The sitz bath provides a comfortable way to clean yourself AND helps reduce swelling.

If I'd had a bidet in my hospital room, I wouldn't have had to bother with filling the bowl and the bag, inserting the tube, etc. I could have just sat on the bidet and let the plumbing do my work for me. Maybe I'd have been able to spend less time in the bathroom and more time catching up on some much needed sleep!

Posted by: nosleep3 at August 7, 2004 8:16 PM

The good thing about a bidet is that it also doubles as a drinking water fountain. After I poo, I usually get thirsty, so it really is a handy device.

Posted by: Jacque Chirac at August 7, 2004 9:55 PM

Holy crap! Comment from above had the following thought "Try rubbing your finger up in there after you wipe with regular toilet's like you never wiped!" uhhhh, whoa! Umm, after I wipe, or baby wipe, or bidet (if I ever am willing to try an ass fountain)- I don't think I will ever feel compelled to do a finger dipstick test on my ass to check. I'll trust the evidence or lack thereof on the paper. Who are these people who stick fingers in their asses to check for cleanliness?? I hope they are not working in restaurants... Yikes! :)

By the way, prostitutes used to use bidets also as a not-so-effective method of birth control back in the day - wash sperm away ASAP as well as make ready for next customer etc.

Posted by: Vanessa at August 7, 2004 11:50 PM

I myself have been confused over the use of the bidet. The first time I used one was in a hotel in Italy. I was there with my rock band. Like many travellers to foreign lands, I began expereiencing "dietary issues"- that is,my stool lost its firmness, and was a bright bright olive green. I didn't realize that one was suppoed to wipe with toilet paper before using the bidet,so i didn't. Instead, I went straight to the bidet, and then used the bidet towel. The bidet towel,which was initially white,soon turned green. I din't know what to do with it, so I just drapped it over the sink. When my brother came in later to brush his teeth, he was not happy. I'm sure the chambermaid was euqaully disgusted.

Posted by: james nolan at August 8, 2004 7:46 AM

All of the new apartments in Spain have them.
Funny that I lived in one for almost a year and never used its bidet. I guess now I'll have to go back.

Posted by: Julia at August 8, 2004 11:02 AM

I wonder if Water Pik has apllied their pulsating shower head technology to bidets. This would offer a stimulating water finger massage to ones delicate parts

Posted by: mp815 at August 8, 2004 4:40 PM

I've actually peed in a bidet.

Posted by: al at August 8, 2004 5:01 PM

holy crap...literally i dont get it right so you want to dry yourself off with a towel that someone else MAY or MAY NOT have used? on their ass?

i can just imagine all of the yeast infections in europe. just because it's still white and you've jstu cleaned with water and perhaps soap, you arent disinfected!

Posted by: Wave at August 8, 2004 5:58 PM

i just returned from a european tour a few months ago. the tour director made it clear early on that the bidet "was not for cooling your beer!"

Posted by: bigmama at August 8, 2004 10:44 PM

Man, I want to go to Spain so I can use a bidet now,,, does anyone know if they have them in Belguim? My uncle lives there

Posted by: itsme! at August 8, 2004 11:34 PM

Wave: we do use soap, it's not a "perhaps". It is cleaner than just using paper. Go and aks a doctor.

Posted by: salvi at August 9, 2004 2:27 AM

In SE Asia, the typical ass cleaning system involves scooping a bowlful of cold water from a tub adjacent to the pit toilet over which one is squatting, and splashing ones ass from the bowl. Drying isn't a concern because it's usually so damn hot you're glad to have any part of you cool and moist for even a little while.
After returning from several months there, I decided to construct a variation of this in my previously bidet-less American bathroom. I installed a "T" at the point where the water comes out of the wall to fill the toilet tank, reconnected the toilet to one side, and put a faucet on the other. To the faucet, I attached one of those trigger operated spray hoses, like you might pull from a kitchen sink for washing dishes. At the appropriate time, I open the faucet to the desired pressure, point the nozzle where it needs to go, squeeze the trigger, and I'm clean in moments. I've discreetly hung a small white towel nearby for my own personal drying, and it remains white between launderings: that's how cleanly this system operates. Just the same, I don't think I'd want anyone else's ass on it. I still have toilet paper for guests, but I consume a lot less paper myself.
Also, the trigger hose is handy for cleaning the tub and toilet (I have a very small bathroom).

Posted by: Damon at August 9, 2004 3:02 AM

Ok do people REALLY drink from bidets or was that guy just kidding?

Posted by: Fred at August 9, 2004 7:10 AM

My friend has a bidet. Not too common in Kentucky. I think I'm gonna use it next time I visit...

Posted by: Snarky at August 9, 2004 7:40 AM

A boyfriend of mine had one. I never thought to try it, but now I wish I had. The basset hound thought it was the perfect doggie drinking fountain though. She loved it.

Posted by: Jennifer at August 9, 2004 10:58 AM

I lived in Spain for a while and you could usually find a bidet in one of the end stalls of a public restroom, even in major shopping centers. I never used a public one (though, the one in my apartment was nice, better than TP) but I assume you have to get up soiled, walk down to the public bidet, and then use it. Toilet paper was provided to dry with, instead of a towel. - ALSO, they had these wierd wire guards over them, maybe so you wouldn't fall in?

Posted by: Davis at August 9, 2004 10:59 AM

A bidet sounds pretty appealing to me. Except not a public one. I would prefer on in my home. I also like the idea of the wet wipes. It just seems more sanitary than cleaning with just TP.

Posted by: Neophyte at August 9, 2004 11:02 AM

Now you can add a bidet function to your existing toilet, with the Bidet-Loo...the flowing answer to personal hygiene!

The Bidet-Loo™ is an add-on retrofit bidet system that will adapt an existing toilet to also function as a bidet. The existing toilet remains in place, and only the toilet seat need be replaced, with the modified seat. An operating unit is then fixed onto the wall, and a hot and cold water supply is connected to the unit.

The product is purely mechanical, with no electrical connections being necessary, and it can be easily fitted by a plumber or a competent DIY enthusiast. It is ideal for areas with limited space, where there is no room for a conventional bidet.

To prevent scalding or thermal shock, the Bidet-Loo™ is fail-safe, and will shutdown if either hot or cold supply should fail. It is fully approved by the Water Regulations Advisory Scheme (WRAS), and the internal thermostatically controlled mixing valve is also approved under the TMV3 Scheme.

The Bidet-Loo™ has a number of distinct performance advantages over the conventional bidet, and it can also be used to give relief from the pain and discomfort suffered by people with certain health problems.

For more detailed information, please visit

Posted by: Pilfo at August 9, 2004 12:42 PM

In America, why not just "moisten" the TP and use that? I find that p**ing on the TP just a bit serves to give enough wetness to clean the rear area nicely.....

Posted by: timo at August 9, 2004 12:43 PM

Fred: He was kidding. Or trying to be funny. We don't stick our faces in it.

Posted by: salvi at August 9, 2004 2:32 PM

I remember my great uncle having a bidet in his bathroom, but my Mom put up the impression that it was "a man thing" so it became a more giggly thing for me. I think I was 8 or so.

Posted by: Sarah at August 9, 2004 5:21 PM

salvi: I dont share my wad of TP with other people, so why a towel to dry my ass?

just because you've washed with soap doesnt mean the last person didnt have scabies or something.

im not talking how hygenic it is for your anus vs. bathroom tissue. that wasnt my point.

Posted by: wave at August 9, 2004 5:38 PM

who needs to pay for a bidet? I just use the poor-mans bidet. this can be found in every toilet in america.

just crap as hard as possible, and the splashback should wash your backside just fine..

Posted by: aaron at August 9, 2004 10:06 PM

can you poop in the bidet? It seems like that would save a lot of time.

Posted by: also at August 9, 2004 10:08 PM

I spent my teen years in Germany and all of our bathrooms in the house had a bidet installed with the exception being the guest toilet.

I live in the states now and use the moistened wipes. I miss the bidet. I saw a tv advert the other day for a "shower head" type of thing you could hook up to the water line of your toilet and use to cleanse yourself. However, all the toilets I've seen only have a cold water tap and I don't know about you, but I don't want ice cold water shooting out at my privates like that.

Posted by: Deutch Butt at August 9, 2004 11:47 PM

Check out They have these in a lot of hotels in Japan. Some of the high end restaurants have ones with a remote control on the wall. I saw one for the first time in a bar, started pressing all of the buttons, and got covered with warm water. Kind of difficult explaining what happened, especially with my extremely limited Japanese vocabulary.

Posted by: jsco at August 10, 2004 3:22 AM

Wave: So you have a different towel for each person that dries their hands after washing them with water and soap in your home? It's the same thing.

We share the same towel inside the house, with your family, if my girlfriend had scabies she would tell me. In public places you use a paper towel that you of course put away after use.

Personally i try to avoid shitting in public places as much as i can, i only have done it once this year. I like the privacy of my bathroom. I like knowing who cleaned my stuff and i like my magazines better. I can pee anywhere though, fire hydrant, anything.

Deutch Butt: In the states i bought one of those and all of my toilets had warm water lines next to the cold one going to the tank (although they were castrated) i had to dig them out of the wall. Maybe check the design plans of the house.

Posted by: salvi at August 10, 2004 3:55 AM

now.. ive just been on a tour to italy.. im frm the uk and we dont really have bidets here, i never got round to using one in my hotel, but i think curioity got the better of my drunken friend when she peed in the bidet. do not pee in a bidet.

Posted by: salbo baggins at August 10, 2004 7:55 AM

Well no harm can really happen from peeing on the bidet. Now, shitting on it.. you'd have to like picking up manure with your hands to clean it off.

Posted by: salvi at August 10, 2004 8:49 AM

I was in Italy and I accidentaly started peeing in one because its right next to the toliet...and its white...and porcelin. But I couldnt flush it.

Posted by: Curt at August 10, 2004 10:56 AM

Curt: Did you try letting the water run?

Posted by: salvi at August 10, 2004 11:06 AM

i went to this mall and it has a bidet. sadly they don't know how to use it...

they actually placed it BESIDE THE SINK. i wonder how you're going to use it that way.

Posted by: ade at August 10, 2004 11:07 AM

I saw a bidet one time when I was in Italy or France or somewhere. I was a kid and I was with a big group of other kids though, and none of us knew what the hell it was. We saw the little button on it and got all curious, one of us finally went to push it, and the rest of us got sprayed. From all the way across the friggin room, that thing's powerful :p

Still didn't know what it was though xD I don't know, I don't really like the idea of this thing. 1. because of the whole communal towel factor I guess, but if you have an air dryer or paper towels okay, fair enough, but 2. I really have NO urge whatsoever to stick my hand up my butt, even if I have already wiped with TP. Can't they put the paper towels right by the bidet so you can use those as well in the cleaning process or something? Sheesh.

Wet wipes do sound cool though, but I have to kind of laugh at everyone's saying how dirty it is to just use TP and all. I've used TP my whole life and have yet to catch any bacterial butt disease or anything, and besides, whatever's swimming around in your mouth is like 100 times nastier than anything that's ever exited the rear, no matter how many times you brush your teeth. Some germs are pretty natural and even helpful.

Thanks to nosleep3 though for permanently traumatizing/horrifying me at the prospect of giving birth.

Posted by: Snowy at August 10, 2004 5:50 PM

Salvi: Comparing a communal hand towel and communal ass towel is pretty funny stuff.

Could someone explain how the water in a bidet is cleaner than water in a VISIBLY clean toilet after it has been flushed?? You actually put your hand in the water of at least one model of bidet? YIKES!

Any stories of women "getting off" on a bidet so to speak? I've heard of such things with shower heads and water pouring into the bath and such, so is this so far-fetched?

I challenge a maker of hygiene products to produce some wipes in the form of a GLOVE. That way, those who want to stick their fingers up their asses in order to be abnormally "fresh" will be able to do so.

To the comment of would you wipe shit off your face with only paper-- When I join a nudist colony ( which should have bidets all over the friggin' place I would think) and I start walking around with my hands holding my ass cheeks apart so everyone can check out my exit hole, that's when you'll hear about me scrubbing my anus with a toothbrush and taking a listerine enema. Until then I'll have to do my best with tp and hide my dirty secret inside my briefs.

Posted by: Felix at August 10, 2004 8:06 PM

your dirty secret will be secret no more when you run for president in 30 years. the paparatzi toielet cam will expose your filthy anus to the world as unfit to serve...

Posted by: jkl at August 10, 2004 8:20 PM

jkl: You are so right. That is why I've set my sights upon another even more powerful and much better paying position-- CEO of Halliburton Industries!

Steve: I think the whole (hehe) ass towel thing has almost taken a life of it's own. Maybe you could ask some questions sometime about the nudist thing with carrying an ass towel around with you all of the time. Does it dawn on these people that maybe that is one of the reasons that clothing was invented in the first place? (other than to discourage bugs of course)(and dogs to come and think about it.... probably not many dogs walking around loose in those places).

Posted by: felix at August 10, 2004 9:19 PM

seriously though, why is the ass towel white?

Posted by: Brandy at August 10, 2004 9:58 PM

Felix: What can i say, i don't discriminate againts my ass. Once it's cleaned and soaped, it's as good as any other body part that has been cleaned and soaped.

Posted by: salvi at August 11, 2004 1:01 AM

Wet-wipes really aren't very good for your genitals. Especially for women. Think of all those chemicals you're dumping into your vagina, messing with its really really precise balance. No thank you.

As to the bidet, I stayed in a place in Italy with one. On a hot day, they're really refreshing.

Posted by: TheBon at August 11, 2004 3:10 AM

i can't believe i just read all that, if you too have read this far then you have far too much time on your hands, as well as poop aparently

Posted by: bren at August 11, 2004 7:13 AM

Brandy: The ass towel is white so as to better view the dark pubic hairs you may leave on it after its use. Then, of course, you can pick them off, or simply shake the towel briskly so as to scatter them around the room. Also, because it is white, grandma and grandpas' pubes simply blend in, so they don't have to strain their elderly eyes to clean up their leavings.

Posted by: felix at August 11, 2004 7:31 AM

Not that I use them of course but there are some dedicated websites to women "using" bidets as it were. Steve, I suggest you get yourself one. Not only will your butt be sparkly fresh but your wife will love you even more.

Posted by: Angelcat at August 11, 2004 7:33 AM

Angelcat: Ah ha! I knew it!

Posted by: felix at August 11, 2004 7:36 AM

Okay, here is what I know.

Last year I renovated our master bath. There was extra room, so it was suggested that I add a bidet (special ordered through Home Depot).

Kohler did not give any instructions on how to use it (I even called their customer service line).

I searched the Internet and found very little helpful information, i.e. do you wipe first, etc.

I was a little scared, so it took me a while to use it, but it is great. It is for men and women alike.

Two types: the faucet type like is shown in the picture and the fountain type (what I have and what is shown in the movies 'Basketball' and 'Crocodile Dundee').

On the fountain type you face the wall so that you can play with the faucet. I wipe a little first, but I think the point is is that you should not have to. By the way, the toilet seat is much dirtier than a bidet. You sit on it, but the only place it touches your legs is about a third of the way up the bottom side of your thigh (a relatively clean part).

Now, since it takes a while for the hot water to get up from the water heater, my wife has scalded her cooch on a couple of occasions. That is because she does not learn from her mistakes (except, for some reason, I end up paying for this mistake for a couple of days).

I personally just like to get on it, crank up the hot and cold and let it blast for a little bit. Then I use a towel to dry off the water off my butt. I have used it on occasion to wash my dick (after I have put it someplace nasty), but that runs the risk of shooting yourself in the face. I don't play with the water, I don't touch my dirty ass and I don't use soap.

My wife LOVES the bidet. She uses it for both cooch and butt, but really loves it for clit massaging. She likes it better than the Shower Massage.

Yes, I like it. It gives you are really nice clean feeling. I often hit it after getting out of my work clothes and before getting into my play clothes, even if I have not taken a crap.

No, I do not pee in it. That is what the shower is for.

It will take a long time before they catch on in the US due to the strong-hold Mr. Whipple has on the American public, but I think they are growing in popularity.

Sometimes the skank-assed Europeans have a good idea... Mercedes, red wine, Monica Belluci, bidets...

Posted by: Weidermeijer at August 11, 2004 11:40 AM

Speaking of the Japanese and their toilet obsessiveness, the Toto company comes to mind.

I was looking for a good, new toilet, without having to drive to Canada (damn low flush toilets) and I noticed them. They are, I believe, the largest toilet manufacturer in the world and are very much into ass-grooming with all the bells and whistles.

I instead got the Briggs Vacuity, which was a Consumer Reports' best buy.

Posted by: Weidermeijer at August 11, 2004 12:06 PM

last year I rented a home near cape cod which had a bidet in the master bathroom. it was next to the toilet (its usual location). since I had no girlfriend at the time and since I'm a guy who likes to both read AND EAT while I'm on the commode, I actually used the bidet for food (I cleaned it beforhand). at first, when I knew I was going to be on the toilet for a while, I would just use it for chips and dip - just putting some chips in the bidet with a small bowl of french onion dip in the middle. it was fabulous. i would sit doing my business, reading a magazine and enjoying chips and dip from the bidet.

later when I realized my bidet will hold water if you use the stopper, I started using it for other things like yogurt, pudding, and a whole variety of wet foods. even chili. it's really nice. before you start using the toilet, you just take some pudding or chili or whatever you have a taste for, ladle it into the bidet, and then you can relax and snack with a spoon while you expel your feces.

toward the end of my rental I did get a girlfriend and she loved the idea too. once we actually filled the bidet with seafood gumbo (n'awlins style) and took turns shitting while enjoying the gumbo from the bidet. she would use those little oyster crackers but i did not like them so i just had the gumbo.

i think the Europeans are on to something.

Posted by: bidetsnackluvr at August 11, 2004 12:27 PM

Since I'm obviously obsessed with this subject, I just did a google image search on "bidet". What I found was a strangely high number of images showing cats. Mostly, the cat sleeping in a bidet, or drinking from one. Really. I would assume the cats were of Southern European origin. My cat, being American, merely cleans his ass with his tongue.

Posted by: felix at August 11, 2004 5:40 PM

I think you do control the temperature of the bidet. It depends if you, or your customer wants a cool tickle or burning sensation.

Posted by: Victoria Freeth at August 12, 2004 1:11 AM

I think the entire thread of posts can be summed up with "TheBon"'s astute observation:

"Think of all those chemicals you're dumping into your vagina"

Think of them, people, THINK OF THEM!

I did ... then I began to think that "TheBon" may be using it incorectly or perhaps not sufficiently rinsing away the "Comet" before use.

Posted by: Glen at August 12, 2004 9:23 AM

It's funny how much this bidet thread has become about ASS-washing. I grew up being taught that bidets were for females only, to wash the vagina (never a bad thing). I just find it interesting that the world seems to provide MUCH more "stuff" for the vagina than the penis. Watch TV one night. I SWEAR, like 1 out of every 4 commercials has SOMETHING to do with the vagina. I have not done the research, but I bet there are FIFTY times more "products" out there aimed at the vagina than there are at the penis. Weird, because at least the penis IS something. The vagina is just a void... a space. But Jesus Christ I love it so.

Posted by: vagifan at August 12, 2004 6:51 PM


thanks for that disturbing's so much clearer... heheh


Yeah, but more spam e-mail is directed at the penis than the vagina...

Posted by: brandy at August 12, 2004 8:02 PM

I have ALWAYS wondered how to use a bidet! This is the most info I've ever seen in one place! Now, if I could stop laughing hysterically at all these funny comments to the point of crying and rousing my husband from sleep I might actually consider getting one!

Posted by: Becky at August 12, 2004 8:08 PM

Has steve single-handedly started a huge bidet following? I think I speak for the 50 or so people who read through the comments and very little to post when I say "where can I get one?" ... well... that is if I wasn't so sure that EVERYONE would laugh and eventually question my sanity. Would my answer be... Perhaps... Thanks steve!

Posted by: Josh at August 13, 2004 1:26 AM

Is it possible that the gold from this thread could be distilled into small (and perhaps faux-leatherette covered) pamphlet, to be distributed Gideons-style to bidet equipped hotels worldwide?

Think of the ramifications - daily we could count the thousands of previously bidet-ignorant jetsetting bottoms that would be cleaner, all due to a movement started right here. The internet, used for good, not evil. A band of like-minded people lending a hand. Washing away the stain of bidet bewilderment.

Of course, the idea raises many questions, not least of which is where exactly is the most appropriate place to conveniently store the pamphlet?

Maybe we could call these distibutors of arse cleansing literature........ The Bideons!

I have checked - are all still available. Please just reference me when you set up the website.

Posted by: AntipodeanFish at August 13, 2004 7:21 AM

Very sorry for that whole second second paragraph.

Posted by: AntipodeanFish at August 13, 2004 7:22 AM

I have a bidet (I'm British). Never used it for it's intended purpose, however I regularly use it to wash my feet :)

Posted by: sars at August 13, 2004 9:42 AM

Wow. I am at work and just read all zillion posts. I've laughed so hard, I nearly wet my pants. If I had a bidet here, this wouldn't be an issue.

Thanks for sharing!


Posted by: k at August 13, 2004 10:36 AM

Hey i work with a exports company. If anyone wants a bidet i can ship one from europe to miami, then deviler it ground based from there.

Im for real ;)

Posted by: salvi at August 14, 2004 5:01 AM

According to my brother, who lives in Istanbul:

Well, a Turkish 'bidet' is a copper pipe running under the back of the toilet seat; a valve on the wall opens it up revealing well-aimed jets of water.
If your water pressure is decent enough it can serve as a makeshift enema!

Posted by: Valerie at August 14, 2004 11:43 AM

If anyone needs ass-towels, please contact me. I've made some small improvements I think--
1. In permanent magic marker I've written the words "communal ass towel" on each one, so no embarrassing mistakes are made.
2. Along with the traditional white, I'm selling the optional colors of plain brown, burnt sienna, and shocking pink.

Posted by: felix at August 14, 2004 2:49 PM

I have had three for 15 years. They are used all over Europe, Asia, Austrailia and South America.
North America missed the boat on this one. See or

Posted by: Debbie at August 16, 2004 12:04 PM

If you do not shower daily and are a stinking European then a bidet might be useful.

Why would you need to wash your feet in the bidet? Didn't you wash them during your civilized daily shower?

Posted by: Tom at August 17, 2004 9:21 AM

ROFL The thought of having an uncultured ass is hilarity. This is completely seperate from being an uncultured ass I am certain. Oh Grammar you slay me.

Good Post keep it up!

Posted by: Mike at August 18, 2004 9:05 AM

Someone may have said this
Try the hose this next to the toilet. You wash the excrements (hah.) right down where their supposed to go.
My parent's have a bidet. After fourteen years of trying to figure them out I have this to say
Use the hose.
Of course they are better than the toilet paper

Posted by: Jessica at August 20, 2004 11:03 PM

When I was living in Rome our apartment had a bidet. It was a house of 5 girls. I don;t think it was ever once used for its intended purpose, but rather for shaving our legs since their showers are too tiny.

Posted by: megan at August 21, 2004 2:17 PM

I am here to reaffirm the statement of the dude/dudette (WHAT???) who said that people pee in bidets. Infacts thats pretty much wht they are used for.

Posted by: Jessica at August 24, 2004 11:36 PM

This is running quite late, but I got to use a high-tech bidet/toilet combo when I was in the odd situation of needing to go to the washroom in a large bathroom supply store, the sort with magical jets and warm air, since a bathroom superstore can afford to use the BEST in the employee washroom.

It was super great! I did use a bit of TP as well, but after a quick blast of the jets everything felt much cleaner. Honestly, I think, especially for ladies like myself, it's a good addition to having a daily ablution and doesn't mean you're stinky (unlike what these strange Euro-phobes here seem to think). And, I love my men, but sometimes you could do with a daily ass-wash BEFORE the next morning's shower.

Now if only I could afford the thousands of dollars I need for a super-toilet :P

Posted by: Mel Smith at August 25, 2004 5:22 PM

So you face the faucet? How does the water get on your bunghole? Do you splash it up, or does it fill up and cover your dirty bung?

I always figured you put your poo covered bung over the faucet and turned it on. Like a shower for your crevice.

Me, I use baby powder on my thighs and ballsack, so I don't think I'd like a bidet.

Posted by: WHAT!? at August 27, 2004 5:30 AM

My problem with the disposable asswipes (btw- isn't an asswipe a bad person) is what they're made of. It's bad enough that we are cutting down virgin forests to make tp so we can wipe our asses on all these lovely trees before flushing them into some strange sewage plant to have god-knows-what done with all the bunched up shit/wads of dead trees/motor oil/whatever else morons flush these days... now we're making industrial strength adult wet wipes to make it even worse!

(See for stats on tp usage and the paucity of available brands of acceptable tp here in Canada.)

These wipes are heavyweights... is it really reasonable to do all this to make our asses feel better? Sounds like the bidet is *the* way to go (but how much water do you have to use to fill 'em?)

Posted by: cmh at August 31, 2004 7:47 PM

Check out this add-on bidet that fits onto your existing toilet!

Posted by: RSD at September 2, 2004 2:46 PM

Though I've never tried baby wipes, I do find that wiping my ass with a handful of saran wrap works wonders.

Posted by: Olixer at September 4, 2004 1:08 PM

Interesting conversation.

Here is a link to various high-tech bidets that replace your standard toilet seat. Not much extra space needed.

Posted by: Bob at September 16, 2004 7:48 AM

I think this is so funny after reading every post I decided I will never buy a bidet though I can afford quite a few just seems like a lot of work to shit then slide over, jet stream your ass and towel off. I am usually on the go a lot that too much damn work for me. Now I did see that link to the washlet NOW YOU'RE Talking. I will be stopping by Santa Monica bath Friday and buying three I can't wait!!!


Posted by: dev at September 23, 2004 1:23 AM

check out

Posted by: Mike at September 26, 2004 7:43 AM

I accidentally ventured to this message board in a search to find out how to use a bidet.

I'm an Aussie and bidets are not a common feature in a bathroom.

That's it, that's all I wanted to know.

I haven't found the answer to my basic question but I had a good laugh, thank you.

Posted by: Donna at September 29, 2004 12:30 PM

I have something that is far better than a standard Bidet or baby wipes.

Here's my Story - Read on!

Back in 1996 I was diagnosed with Colorectal Cancer. Following the removal of half my rectum and a good chunk of colon I was soon faced with the realization that I would be going to the loo often…Guiness record amount of times, as much as, 10 to 15 times a day. Something else I realized quickly was that toilet paper wasn’t cutting it! To make matters worse, as an electronic field technician, my job required that I travel overseas often. During the following years, I involuntarily became an ASS CLEANING EXPERT or CONNOISSEUR if you like.

The following is the painful procedure I used to go through:
1. Need to go now! Find a toilet and sit on it quickly.
2. Volcano type eruptive gas; not much is actually downloading!
3. Time for that dreaded wipe.
4. First wipe; lots of shit on the paper. Sure enough, none in the toilet though - dammed ass of mine.
5. Second wipe; still as much shit on the paper
6. Third wipe; where the hell is it coming from; still more. Ouch! Why do I have hair on my ass? Fu!?%/%!?
7. Fourth wipe; Ok, this is ridiculous.
8. Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth wipe…I think I’m finally getting to the bottom of this mess.
9. One complete roll later…its time for the final clean using a wet one or baby facecloth (Yeah, the pink and teddy bear covered ones for babies gentle bottoms…what else choice did I have, regular facecloths are like corrugated cardboard). A small amount of liquid soap was required to permit the smooth flow of the butt cloth over my anus and surrounding area (without soap the pain was unbearable).
10. Finally I’m done…Oh shit! I feel the urge to go again. Fu!?%/%!?

Twice a week I was buying a super pack of toilet paper. On overseas trips the wet wipes where clogging public toilets and gradually irritating my tush like regular TP. I was in severe pain from the wiping to the point of debilitation. I desperately needed a better way!
About five years ago while in Ankara, Turkey I discovered that washrooms in that part of the world consisted of a hole in the floor with a strange hose clipped to the wall; no sign of toilet paper anywhere! I couldn’t bear the thought of using a hose to clean my ass – besides it had been used by who knows who? And what if I completely soaked myself; there’s just no way, I was going to try that contraption.
I returned home from that trip, as always, with my butt on fire. Although this time visions of watering hoses where dancing in my head; maybe cleansing my ass with water was the solution after all; I surfed the internet for days looking at options. Eventually, I settled on an expensive Toto Jasmin washlet for my home; ordered it, installed it, and loved it. Although it was great for home use, I could not take it with me at the office, or on overseas projects. Within weeks I had ordered and received a handheld unit from Toto. Unfortunately, I found that the reservoir was too small, the batteries didn't seem to supply enough power to generate adequate pressure, and sometimes I would scald myself, while in other instances the water would be uncomfortably cold. It turned out to be a great tool for airports or shopping malls nonetheless, but I needed something more useful, especially for instances where I would be staying two or three weeks in a hotel room.
Six months ago, I enlisted the help of my wife and a friend, to help me come up with a new bidet concept. Using off-the shelf components and some knowledge of electronics, we built a portable bidet that didn’t require any plumbing, could supply warm water, created adequate pressure , would last a while between refills and could be used outdoors, i.e. while camping or hunting.
To my surprise, I found it to be superior in many ASSpects to the standard buttsinks, including my $600 Toto washlet (See the ‘’Compare’’ section at
I think I’m onto something. I have used it for a few months now and one of the great things about it is that the wand never gets dirty; no cleaning is required. You don’t shit or piss on it; no worries of urine of faecal splash back.
I’ve called it PHESS, from the French word fesse for buttocks; great for bidetophobes as a code word for portable bidet. The water temperature is controlled automatically; no need to fiddle with dials; just plug and play!

See my Press Review:

Posted by: Chris at October 2, 2004 1:31 PM