December 2004 Archives

Kiss and Tell

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Most people have mouths. People talk with their mouths and eat with them too. And when two people find each other pretty to look at, they mush their mouths all up together. That's called kissing.

Once in awhile I'll hear someone referred to as being a "good kisser" or a "bad kisser." Now, I'm not one to brag, but I've done my share of kissing over the years (in part, because I'm so fucking hot) but I'll admit that I'm still not exactly sure what constitutes being a good one or a bad one.

Maybe I've never kissed a bad kisser? Maybe I kissed bad kissers without even realizing it? If so, it's probably because during kissing I wasn't thinking "This girl could kiss better." I was thinking, "Haven't I kissed her long enough yet to get her shirt off?"

Is this topic just a female thing? Is there some secret standard by which kisses are to be judged? Do guys talk about girls being bad kissers? Or even care? Maybe I'm a terrible kisser!

If you've ever made out with a terrible kisser, what the hell was so horrible about it? Or if you're awesome at it, why? Kiss me with enlightenment. (And then get your shirt off.)

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Honk If You Love Headaches (w/ free mp3)

My four-year-old didn't ask for much this Christmas. His main request was a little scooter "with a horn so people will know I'm coming." He even drew a picture of it in his letter to Santa.

The fat man came through with the scooter, and being the awesome Daddy, I helped out by going to Toys 'R Us to get the horn. It's pretty funny to see this big ol' bike horn mounted on this little scooter.

scooter

It seems so obvious now, but the boy totally set me up. How could I not realize the horrendous combination of "7:30 Christmas morning" and "Bike horn?"

Under the guise of cute, my son had hatched his plan for the loudest Christmas ever and succeeded. He even used me as a pawn to make it happen.

I have created a special mp3 just for you. This is not a re-enactment. This is actual audio of my horn-filled Christmas morning pulled from our video camera. (To truly enjoy the experience as I did, I suggest you turn up your speakers as loud as they can possibly go. And play it over and over.)

The Horn of Chistmas Morn.mp3

Note how the official little brother babbles something in between the honking. He's speaking in Baby, but it loosely translates to "Ha ha!!! You wanted us and now you will pay! This is what you get for having sex with Mommy!!!"

The boy has a point. In the future I'm going to attach the horn to my wiener to warn my wife when I'm coming.

A Special Christmas Joke

Happy Yuletide, Yo!

Here's a special Christmas joke, courtesy of the boy. He continues to shake things up -- this time faking me out with a question that I thought was leading to an obvious answer. Needless to say, he took a different road on the punchline.

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL.)

Q: "Why does Santa have 3 gardens?"

A: "Because he has 4 kitchens and he likes to cook HARD!"

Have a great holiday, guys.

The Secret Danger of Holiday Candles

They say people often get depressed around the holidays. I believe I've discovered the root of this depression thanks to the following verbatim conversation with my son:

Boy: What happened to the candle?!

Me: It melted.

Boy: Why?!

Me: When you light a candle the wax melts and drips down.

Boy: Oh no.

Me: It's okay. That's what candles do.

Boy: Suddenly my entire life is sad.

Hugo's Christmas in New York

Hugo's Christmas in New York

This is "Hugo - Man of Thousand Faces."


He was first introduced by Kenner Toys in 1975 and I've had him since I was a kid. Hugo came with a bunch of cool disguises like wigs, mustaches, and weird teeth that you could glue to his face.

A whopping 16 years ago, my pal Tony and I took Hugo to Manhattan at Christmas time and photographed his adventures that day. I'm very excited to finally get this gallery of pictures online just in time for the holidays!

If you've been a good boy or girl this year then click on over and check out Hugo's Christmas in New York!

Elf Respect

In honor of the Christmas season, here's a holiday favorite from The Sneeze vaults...


Like most people, I tend to only think about elves during the usual times -- around Christmas, and when I'm having sex. But the other day Mark and I were discussing just how versatile these pointy-eared little freaks really are.

Without further delay, The Sneeze proudly presents:

THE MAGICAL SKILL SET OF ELVES
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Building Toys: Elves work tirelessly all year long so on Christmas Eve, Santa can deliver delightful toys to all the good little girls and boys. Yaaay! (Unless their parents are poor, in which case Santa brings crappy toys, or maybe an orange. Awww.)

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Baking Cookies: I believe it was a young Stephen Hawking who said, "If cookies were ho's, then elves be they pimp." (I might be paraphrasing a bit-- it was either that or some crap about the universe.) The point is, elves make some kick-ass cookies.

The Keebler's prefer to do their baking in large hollow trees, despite the enormous fire hazard. Each year hundreds of elves and woodland creatures die in baking related forest fires, but Fudge Grahams taste awesome, so fuck it.


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Making Cereal: Snap, Crackle and Pop are best known for inventing Rice Krispies cereal. Legend has it they had a fourth brother named "Soggy," who died suspiciously the night before the cereal was unveiled in 1932. The three assailants were never found.

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Shooting arrows into people: Lord of the Rings has taught us that when elves are not sending out joy in the form of toys, cereal and cookies, they are sending razor sharp arrows deep into the skulls of their enemies. A good rule of thumb is: Don't bother them, and they won't bother you. Elves are a lot like bees. (Who make cookies.)

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Dentistry: In at least one documented case, an elf named Hermie left the toy biz to strike out on his own and become a practicing dentist. During his 2nd root canal he thought to himself, "This sucks." He was last seen crying somewhere near Santa's workshop.

Last month I dropped by the annual Elf Expo in Vegas, and I was pleasantly surprised to see them all at an autograph table. When they found out I was the guy who does The Sneeze they even took 10% off the price of a signed publicity photo. Elves may be cheap, but they still rock! Check it out!

How To Set the Mood

Last week I walked into our bedroom and found my wife under the covers. She was reading a book called "The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning."

I slipped into bed, snuggled up next to her and struck up a little sexy conversation...

Me: "The Mother's Guide to Weaning. Would I like it?"

Her: "Probably not."

Me: "Is the woman who wrote that book a well-respected weaner?"

Her: "I'm ignoring you."

Me: "Why? I'm just curious about your book."

Long beat.

Me: "I'm sorry. But tell me this, when you read that book does it make you feel a little weanie?"

Her: "Why are you such an idiot?"

And that, my friends, is how you set the stage for some sweet sweet lovin'.

(And just in case you're out of the loop, we have two kids. She's not nursing the four-year-old, you maniacs.)

We Have A Winner!

Congratulations to Dan H. for winning the wireless router contest with his Nigerian scammer inspired essay! And thanks again to everybody who participated. There really were too many good ones to pick from.

In other more imporant news, my 4-year-old wrote another joke this weekend. I'm happy to report that he's gone back to basics and "sense" no longer seems to be a requirement. And it makes complete sense (as pointed about by Eric, David, Aymeric and Valora).

To all the essay finalists who didn't win, I present this to you as your consolation prize. (As always - HIGHLIGHT THE ANSWER TO REVEAL IT.)

Q: "What's between a dinosaur and a person?"

A: "A dinosaur club!!!"

Wireless Router Finals

Below were the 5 finalists up to win my wireless router based on your votes. Congratulations to Dan H. for winning with his Nigerian scammer essay.

#1 - WHY I SHOULD WIN THE SNEEZE ROUTER
by: Darryl

If I win, I will promote TheSneeze.com for one week in the following ways.

1) Whenever I hear someone sneeze, I will shout, "dot com!"

2) I'll ask random people if they want to see my "Sneeze wireless router".

3) I will subliminally throw in Sneeze related words when dealing with the public. A conversation at Starbucks might go something like this:

Me: I'll take a Tall Mocha, extra hot, with half zine, half blog.
Counter person: Excuse me?
Me: sorry, I'm not good with fractions, just make it a Tall Mocha.
Counter person: Whipped cream?
Me: Ummh, yes sneeze.
Counter person: Your name?
Me: It's uhhh, Steeeeeve.

#2 - NEED FOR A CHURCH
by: Rik

I need this wireless router for charity. My wife works at a church. It's a historic landmark, so running cable is not so easy. Of course, this is the 21st century, and even churches do a lot of business by e-mail. It would also be great to network the computers so the ministers, administrator, and volunteers are all working on the same set of documents and databases. And if everyone could print to one printer, that would save a lot of money that could be better spent on ministry. (Actually, I'm pretty sure she just wants to look at porn.)

#3 - IT IS MY DEEPEST AND SINCEREST HOPE THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU IN THE UTMOST HEALTH
by: Dan

GREETINGS FRIEND,

I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE MOST TRUSTWORTHY AND RELIABLE IN BUSINESS MATTERS. MY FATHER, THE RECENTLY ASSASSINATED N’BUTU UMDAGI, LEFT $30 MILLION USD IN A SECRET AND SECURE ACCOUNT. I REQUIRE SUCH EQUIPMENT THAT I MIGHT COMMUNICATE WITH SYMPATHIZERS JUST INSIDE THE COMPOUND, SO THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DISCOVER THE ACCOUNT NUMBER OF SAID FUNDS AND TRANSFER THEM TO YOU FOR SAFE KEEPING UNTIL I CAN ESCAPE MY COUNTRY. ANY WIRELESS EQUIPMENT WOULD BE WORKING. PERHAPS A WIRELESS ROUTER IF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA ONE.

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR TRUSTWORTHINESS AND CONFIDENTIALITY.

#4 - "SNEEZE ESSAY THING"
by: Chase

I think the real question here is, why shouldn't I get the wireless router? What better way for me to feel more like a nerd than I already am. It would help me compensate for sitting here on a saturday night with no girls, no job, and a crappy dial-up modem to get porn when I could get this awesome wireless router and hook it up to four computers and get porn 4 times as fast, and by awarding me with this router you will be doing your part in the degradation of one more suburban white boy with a small penis.

#5 - "ROUTER CONTEST"
by: Curtis

The simple answer to why you should give me the router is... I promise not to have sex with it. I know that doesn't sound like much of a promise, but really and truly I am the only person out of everyone submitting you essays that genuinely will not have sexual relations with your wireless router. Think of all the good times you had with that router over the years. I think the least that you could do is not hand it over to some person who would have his way with it, and not even have the common courtesy to give it a reach around. That won't happen with me, I'll only use it for a wireless network, or possibly even a makeshift sex box... actually forget I said that, just give me the router, alright?

It's Raining Arrows

Since I posted about the secret arrow in the Fedex logo, and the weird "A to Z" smile/arrow in the Amazon logo, a number of people have written pointing out (Get it?! Pointing...? Arrows...? Blow me.) ...have written pointing out even more subliminal arrows floating around in the world of logos. It seems to be more of an epidemic than I thought...

Douglas writes: "I noticed this when I was an adolescent about 15 years ago. I thought the downward pointing arrows "splitting the 'y's" in the Playboy logo were somehow oddly phallic. Maybe I'm just a bit too eager to get to the articles."

Susan writes: "There are two arrows in this one. One going, and one returning. Subliminal message? 'Cause we all know that if you give blue, and get lime green back the world is a much better place."

Here is a closer view...

Bruce writes: "Another in the continuing series of arrowed logos... Sorry to further your torment."

Note the 4 arrows formed by the "N" in this one...

Mark G. writes: "I have done some research and discovered a secret arrow in your new logo! I don't know what to make of this. Did you know it was there?"


And while not exactly "arrow" related, Fleshnils writes: "I've always thought the Jack in the Box logo was trying to pull off a jesus fish kind of thing. I also remember something about a verse from the bible being written really small on a part of the placemat or the cups or something. But that's beside the point. You be the judge. jesus fish?"

At least there's absolutely positively no hidden arrows in the new sneezing gingerbread man. (And thanks to Pete for painting him!)

A Little Mid-Week Housekeeping

First, a wireless router contest update...

I received so many great essays-- thanks to everybody who sent one in. I'll be sorting through them over the next few days to try and whittle down the pile. Next week I'll start posting my favorites and everyone can vote on them to determine the ultimate winner.

Second, since a bunch of you seem to enjoy my 4-year-old's "jokes," I'll leave you with this one. Coming off his recent string of surreal insane ones, I'm almost sad to post this one since it kinda makes sense.

Nevertheless, enjoy... (and as usual, HIGHLIGHT THE ANSWER TO REVEAL IT.)

Q: "What did the meatball say to the spoon?"

A: "Give me back my face."

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This page is an archive of entries from December 2004 listed from newest to oldest.

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