October 2004 Archives

Ho for the Holidays

The new Disney Christmas catalog features this Tinkerbell Christmas Tree Topper. I've never been a big Peter Pan fan, so that's probably why I never noticed that sweet little Tinkerbell is kind of a dirty whore.

That's quite a dress. One strategically placed, unsecured triangle of material is all that stands between us and her enchanted hooey.


Closer inspection would indicate that this little lady also doesn't care for panties. But luckily, even in the dead of winter, not a hint of Tinkerbush.

Tinkerbell:

  • Dresses like a tramp.
  • Can grant wishes.
  • Thinks every guy is huge.
  • I love you, Tinkerbell.

    Robot Painting ver. 2.05

    I/O Jima is almost done! Eric says he wants to go back in and fix the sprinkles because they currently look too much like rice. Fair enough.

    Click on the image for a better view.

    iwo

    When it's all finished up, prints and other goodies will be available in Eric Joyner's online store. Stay tuned for info.

    This Post Contains 80% Soy

    | 91 Comments

    My buddy, Dan, is becoming disturbed by soy beans. He points out that everything is made out of them lately. You can find soybean paper, soy milk, soy ice cream, tofu, soy chips, soy candles, soy flour, soy sauce, soy "nuts", soy coffee and probably a million other things.

    What the hell?! They don't look all that different from other beans. Why are they taking over the world?

    What about the lima bean? That's a perfectly good bean, and nobody makes anything out of that except maybe succotash, and even then they only added some corn.

    Dan would like to know exactly what magical property of soybeans makes them so irritatingly versatile. Can anyone shed some light on this? The comment board is currently closed.

    Robot Painting ver. 2.04

    Eric Joyner's robotic soldiers are marching toward the finish line. Here they are with the background in. Click on the image for a better view, and then why not click on over to Eric's site to check out the rest of his stuff.

    iwo

    And as far as the title goes, it was a trouncing. With 67% of approx. 1100 votes, the title of the painting is now officially: "I/O JIMA." Thanks to Ian for the outstanding suggestion!

    The Adult

    I have a full-time job.

    I own a house.

    I am married to a lovely, intelligent woman.

    I have two children.

    No matter how you look at it,
    I am a full-fledged adult.

    And the other day...

    despite all of these factors...

    I gave myself a belly-ache eating too many jelly beans.

    A BELLY-ACHE EATING TOO MANY JELLYBEANS?!! JESUS!

    What's next? Maybe on the way to meet my accountant I'll fall and skin my knee. Perhaps I'll lose a baby tooth during my next prostate exam.

    Okay, I need to calm down. Maybe this isn't such a big deal. I'm probably just getting whipped up from being overtired. I did miss my nap today.

    Robot Painting ver. 2.03

    Eric's new painting is cruising right along. Here it is in the old timey "values" stage. Sprinkles will be added to the donut soon for all of those who are concerned. Click on it for a better view.

    iwo

    We still don't have an official title. The two favorite suggestions from you guys were "I/O Jima" and "All Your Base Are Belong To Us."

    Let's put it to a vote
    (after a few super-cool lines of extra space
    that I don't know how to remove)...






    What should we name the new robot painting?
    "All Your Base Are Belong To Us"
    "I/O Jima"



    Free polls from Pollhost.com

    As usual you can check out all of Eric's works of artistic stuff right here.

    A Delightful Getaway

    Taking a vacation in a secluded, exotic locale sounds pretty enticing.

    I am no longer interested in the types of trips I was when I was a kid. Childish destinations like Disneyworld no longer hold the same appeal for me. I'm not some silly twelve-year-old anymore. I'm a mature adult now.

    Which is why I was so excited when I heard about a place called Pee Pee Island Village in Thailand.

    To me, Pee Pee Island evokes images of a place that's always warm.

    A place always bathed in a golden shower of sunshine.

    I was also pleased to learn that Pee Pee Island resides just off the coast of Phuket Island. Extremely pleased.

    Any mature adult (myself included) will tell you that it's always polite to bring a small gift when visiting somewhere, so I have come up with a slogan which I humbly give to this fine island's tourism board:

    "Pee Pee Island Village: You really have to go."

    Fwowah Power

    I was woken up this morning at 5:21 AM by my one-year-old happily pushing up and down on my head. He was also saying "Fwowah."

    "Fwowah. Fwowah!"

    As you might have guessed, I am not a flower.

    Nor am I a "fwowah."

    I am, however, a tired man named "Dada."

    So, here's a little advice to you all: if you're going to wake somebody up, and your chosen method is "head pushing"-- you might want to learn the sleeper's name as a courtesy.

    No matter how cute you are, you're way less cute at 5:21.

    Just a little tip from your old pal, Fwowah.

    The Abortion Kablortion

    | 84 Comments

    My son's favorite Dr. Seuss book at the moment is called "Happy Birthday To You!"

    It can be a drag when he gets stuck on a book that's really long. And this one is pretty long. He knows it really well now too, so you can't even get by with the old "turn a few pages at once" trick. (Not that I would ever do that. I'm just pointing out it wouldn't work. Reading the same story for the fiftieth time to my son is the best.)

    So, my wife was reading it to him, and I could have sworn I heard a passage that sounded kinda, sorta like a political "pro-life" message.

    I'm probably reading too much into it, but you tell me...

    pg 10--
    "If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you.
    If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?
    If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?
    You might be a fish! Or a toad in a tree!
    You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!
    You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.

    Or worse than all that... Why, you might be a WASN'T!
    A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
    A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.
    But you... You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant."

    After all that "you might be a fish" stuff, I was sure I was off-base, but then there's this part a few pages later...

    pg. 25--
    "If you'd never been born, then you might be an ISN'T!
    An Isn't has no fun at all. No he disn't.
    He never has birthdays, and that isn't pleasant.
    You have to be born, or you don't get a present."

    Hmmm. I dunno.

    Maybe I'm wrong.
    I could be mistaken.
    Have I misunderstood?
    Made a point not worth makin'?

    I'm just one guy,
    typing on a computerus,
    my theory that Seuss says,
    don't mess with your uterus.

    Gotta close the comment board on this one for now -- too much spam. Sorry.

    Jokes Are Funny!

    My four-year-old has started writing his own jokes. They're hilarious.

    They are also completely unfunny in every way. But they sound like jokes, and he really sells the punchlines hard, which makes them all that much funnier.

    Here's his first joke. If you have a speaking engagement coming up, feel free to loosen up the crowd with this little zinger...

    (HIGHLIGHT TO REVEAL ANSWER)

    Q: "Why did the boy jump into the pile of peanuts?"

    A: "He wanted to play soccer!!!"

    I'll admit it's a bit of a thinker, but with this joke you will kill. Kill!

    I guarantee it.

    Once the crowd is begging for more, follow up with this other joke he wrote, then sit back and wait for the laughter to die down. (That is if the crowd isn't already carrying you off on their shoulders to buy you beer and sex.):

    (HIGHLIGHT TO REVEAL ANSWER)

    Q: "Why did the man throw a stick of butter at the ceiling fan?"

    A: " He wanted the blades to stop turning!"

    HEE HEE HAW HAW HO HO HEE!!!

    Ha Ha Ha!

    hee.

    You see the ceiling fan... and the butter...

    Fuck you, he's four.

    Eric Joyner and the Little Painting That Could

    Extremely cool news!

    As many of you know, Eric Joyner painted the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot painting (known as "The Final Blow") for me last year. And we followed it every step of the way right here on The Sneeze.

    Some time back, Eric submitted the image to be considered for inclusion in a prestigious annual book for illustrators called "Spectrum." Spectrum is an international competition of 'contemporary fantastic art'.

    Not only did "The Final Blow" get chosen out of thousands of entries to be among those featured in this year's annual -- THE PAINTING HAS BEEN CHOSEN AS THIS YEAR'S COVER!

    It's crazy! People Eric admired as a kid compete in this thing.

    Eric is absolutely thrilled, and I couldn't be happier for him. As always you can check out his entire portfolio here, and his cool online store here.

    Here's the Amazon description of the latest Spectrum book:

    Now in its 11th year, and just getting bigger and better, this eagerly anticipated volume in the art and art-buying world represents the who's who in fantasy today. Spectrum is the first and only illustration annual to focus solely on fantastic art, with over 300 artists featured. Divided into seven categories, including one devoted to comics and graphic novels, Spectrum is a feast of disparate vision and artistic imagining, showcasing, among others: John Howe, fantasy illustrator and designer for Lord of the Rings; Peter deSeve, conceptual artist on Finding Nemo; Anita Kunz's work from Rolling Stone; the exquisite acrylics of Michael Whelan; the poignant work of John Jude Palancer; Doug Chiang, design director for Star Wars and creator of Robota; and Jon Foster, also of Star Wars fame. Lively, idiosyncratic, and sometimes shocking, this work continues to push against the meniscus of reality, exploring new realms of inventiveness and creativity, be it from movies, video games, ads, or art galleries.


    I'll put the next phase of Eric's latest painting up soon.

    Global Schoolyard Rhymes #13

    Here are a few new obnoxious kid rhymes from Spain, Germany, and Mexico-- this time all sporting a jaunty fecal theme...


    SPAIN

    Me tiro un peo
    Salen dos
    Y huelen tres.

    English translation:

    I cut a fart
    Two come out
    And it smells like three.

    from: Julia

    **********************

    GERMANY

    Fidi, Fidi, Fumfei,
    schitt de ganze Büx twei,
    Moder set n Flicken vöör,
    Fidi schitt al weer döör.

    English translation:

    Fidi, Fidi, Fumfei,
    shit his pants so they broke apart
    Mother put a patch on it,
    Fidi shit through it again.

    from: novala

    **********************

    MEXICO

    (This one has a gimmick. You get the victim to end each line with "ka", in response to whatever you say.)

    Viene la lo (ca),
    En una tro (ca),
    Llena de ca (ca),
    Para tu bo (ca)!

    English translation:

    Here comes the crazy woman,
    Driving a truck,
    Full of shit,
    to fill your mouth!

    (The way the reflexive pronouns work in Spanish, the "your" actually refers to the mouth of the person saying "ka.")

    from: David

    (I'll admit that David's translation politely read "Full of feces," but I changed it to "shit" in honor of the children. -- Steve)

    Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
    Send it here for the next update!
    Just be sure to include:
    1) The rhyme's originating country
    2) The rhyme in the original language
    3) The direct english translation

    See all the rhymes here.

    Human Ripeness Chart

    I'm in my 30's, and things are not what they once were.

    While I was staring at my face playing a fun new game called "Freckle or Cancer" I came to the conclusion that we are all just rotting fruit.

    We go about our lives, have jobs, kids, do whatever it is we do-- but at the end of it all, I'm not sure there's much difference between us and that bowl of aging bananas sitting in your kitchen.

    I've prepared the following Banana/Human Ripening Chart to help illustrate my point (and make myself feel even worse).

    ***********************************


    Childhood

    We all start off as babies, and bananas are no different. You've heard of a beginner or a novice described as being too "green?" Well, there you go.

    There's really not much you can do with a banana at this age except keep it safe and wait. If for some reason you find bananas this age inviting, there's something wrong with you. If you find humans this age inviting, there's something extremely wrong with you.



    Teenage Years

    This banana is coming along nicely, but is still pretty immature. It's in that awkward stage, but its complexion is about to clear up and there's a very bright future ahead.



    20's

    Here's a banana that's coming into its own. Firm and ready for action. What path will it take? A smoothie? A cereal topping? A sexual aid and then a cereal topping? So many possibilities. The world is this banana's oyster.



    30's - 40's

    This is a banana that's peaking. It is at the top of its game, but small brown spots are starting to appear on its skin. It tends to get bruises more easily now. These are the tell-tale signs of future demise.



    50's - 60's

    This banana is getting on in age, but is by no means useless. While it's not what it used to be, it is actually ideal for being around younger bananas to help them get ripe. Not unlike a teacher.



    Old Age

    Just like a sweet old lady, this banana isn't good for much more than a cake, or maybe some muffins.


    Oof

    We've reached our final destination. Hope you enjoyed the trip.

    See you all in the compost heap.

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