September 2004 Archives

The Search Engine That Cares

As a kid I was obsessed with the Guinness Book of World Records. It was the greatest. I would order it every year at school. I'll proudly admit, I didn't care much about the amazing feats of the record-holders, so much as I just liked gawking at the pictures of freaky people.

One image burned into my memory for life was the fat twins riding motorcycles.

Here they are. Billy and Benny McCrary. All 1300 pounds of them. They also went by the stage names Billy and Benny McGuire. Surely this allowed them to avoid recognition while not performing.

When I first tried searching for the above picture, I googled the phrase "World's Fattest Twins."

Good ol' Google served up a few links, but also gently tried to help me not be such a lame weirdo. It suggested that maybe I meant to be looking up other things, and that we could just chalk this up to a typo.

Thanks, Google. I appreciate it, but at this point you're too late to help me.

Peeing with Zeal

When you have kids, helping them out in the bathroom becomes a part of your life. So much so, that you forget just what a pain in the ass it is until they become fully potty trained. Then there's this crazy feeling of re-gained freedom. Like when that warm water plugging up your ear finally trickles out, or taking off that annoying condom. (If you're really curious about this whole potty-training thing, try the second one.)

What I most enjoy about my son's self-reliance in this department is the zeal with which he does it.

He doesn't just go quietly about his business. First he runs around the house in a near frenzy, announcing to each individual "I HAVE TO MAKE PEE PEE!!!" After a few minutes of this, he finally makes it to the bathroom.

I find it refreshing that he's taken a routine task, and turned it into a bonafide event. Zeal!

Could you imagine if I started doing this at work? Actually, I think we should all try it.

Before you excuse yourself from your next meeting, run around the office shouting "I HAVE TO MAKE PEE PEE!" And remember, it's not just shouting it, but taking the time to shout it at each person in the vicinity. Oh, and don't forget to grab your crotch. (As if you need prompting.)

Zeal: you shall be ours. Along with unemployment.

(In case you were wondering, I made that graphic with the help of pee-mail.)

Secret Symbols

It occurred to me there is a secret arrow hiding inbetween the "E" and the "x" of the FedEx logo. Look at it! Now that I know it's there, it's all I can see. How could I not have noticed it before?

Is this just a happy accident? An arrow seems to make sense as a symbol for a delivery company on the go. Why don't they play it up? It's not exactly a subtle society in which we live.

I checked The Sneeze logo for cool secret symbols, but couldn't find any. Just this one spot that looks kinda like Weezy from the Jeffersons. But I don't think that counts.

More Cheap-Ass Cereal

The Sneeze is happy to announce 4 new inductees into...

Brainwatch: Day 12


It looks like the brain is done growing. The little shelves that have formed are starting to droop and dry out. It's a sad day.

All brain entries can be found here.

Brainwatch: Day 9


Come one, come all!
Step right up and view

Don't be shy, folks!
There's plenty of hideous brain to go around.
(Click the photo for the full picture.)

If you don't hear from me in a while, the tree has simply carried me and my family away.

Brainwatch: Day 8


Tabonga's evil tree-brain
continues to grow.

(Click the photo for a better view.)

As for yesterday's picture of it, Annie wrote in with the following observation:

Hey Steve,
I couldn't help noticing the amazing resemblance between the tree's ass-brain, and the sneezing monkey head in the title today. If you compare the two, it even looks like the brain is sneezing out the quarter you put there for size reference. Striking!!!!! (and gross!!!!!) LOL.

The Sneeze Rocks!
:o) Annie

All Brainwatch 2004 entries can be found here.

Brainwatch: Day 7


The brain, it grows.
(Click it to enlarge.)

JW and Felix both pointed me to an old sci-fi movie called "From Hell It Came." It features a crazy killer-tree named "TABONGA!"

"It's roots reaching down to the dead!
It's crawling creepers reaching out for human flesh!"

From this point forward, the tree in front of my house will be known as Tabonga.

Brainwatch: Day 6 - A Shocking Twist

I told you.

Last year, I said right here that we were dealing with the smartest tree in the world.

The tree has proven me right.

I was very disappointed that there had been no further activity since the other day, when I saw that yellow gunk down in the cracks.

Then yesterday I happened to walk around the other side of the tree, and guess what I found growing out of its theoretical ass. The new brain. Click to view it.

Son of a bitch! I've been publicly humiliated by a tree.

Stay posted for more pictures of the thriving tree ass-brain 2004.

Stupid tree.

(If you have no idea what this is about, it started here last year, then Mike Boom weighed in, then Brainwatch 2004 began.)

Silly String


May we discuss flossing for a moment?

I don't want my teeth to fall out, but Holy Christ, what a pain in the ass. I understand that flossing is important, but I don't understand why it has to suck so hard. Pulling a dumbass string between my teeth, making me drool all over the place and making my jaw hurt for two days.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, or it's the shape of my mouth, or it's because I still have all my wisdom teeth packed in there, but I swear I hate every second of it.

Are you people really doing this every day? Be honest. If you are, maybe you can guilt me into joining you in this ridiculous ritual-- which could very well have been invented by the Dental Floss Makers Union in the first place.

The comment board is now closed. Too much spam - even with BlackList. Bastards.

Global Schoolyard Rhymes #12

Here's 2 quick filthy ones, making the trip from Norway! (Surely Harper's would have included these if it wasn't too late.)


kuk og fitte
sammen sitte

English translation:

Cock and pussy
Joined together



vi gikk og gikk
og gikk og gikk
med hengende daiar
og pølsepikk

English translation:

We walked and walked
and walked and walked
With hanging tits
and sausage dicks

sent by: svein

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

See all the rhymes here.

Brainwatch: Day 3

As of this morning, there was still very little change since the last picture. I don't get it. I can still see a bit of the embryonic tree-brain in the cracks, mocking me.

Maybe these things are dormant for a few days before a big growth spurt? Or maybe the tree is getting shy from all the media exposure I've foisted upon it? Or maybe the tree is just being a dick.

Either way, I'll keep you posted.

Did Anyone Order A Hideous Tree Brain?


Here we go, gang! As of this morning we have total brain activity lurking within the tree.

Click on the image for a closer view. You can clearly see the beginnings of it growing in the cracks on the right-hand side.

I placed a quarter on the stump for size reference.

With this sighting I'm resetting the counter, so we'll call this "Day 1." I'll be taking a picture every day or so to track its grotesque progress. We'll see how this one compares to last year's.

The Secret Identity of Captain Avenger


I put all the silly Captain Avenger stuff in one area. For now the good Captain is in retirement.

I didn't really expect anyone to pick up on this, but his uniform and name were actually based on an old, somewhat obscure John Ritter movie called "Hero At Large."

In this movie John Ritter is a commercial actor who is playing a superhero named "Captain Avenger." On his way home, and still in costume, he foils a robbery and becomes a local vigilante hero.

Here's a picture of Ritter as the real Captain Avenger.

I haven't seen this movie in a thousand years, but as a kid, I loved it. I hope it comes out on DVD at some point. (And just so you know, I did try to put stripes on his shorts, but the stupid game wouldn't let me.)

The Importance of Current Events


I've been thinking. The Sneeze doesn't have to always be about light, fun stuff all the time. It wouldn't kill us to discuss some current events once in a while, right? Be a little worldly? C'mon, let's try it.

Hmmm... current events... current events... what's been going on in current events... oh, I KNOW! The Munsters! The Munsters have totally been in the news recently. I'm feeling more socially conscious already.

The complete first season just came out on DVD (including the unaired pilot in color!) which seems pretty cool, and then the Wayans brothers bought the rights to make a Munsters movie, which seems pretty not cool.

Contemplating the age-old question of Munsters v. Addams Family, I think I lean toward the Munsters. Rob says that other than Herman and Grampa, The Munsters were just a cheap rip-off of The Addams family. That may be true, except that Herman is da man! Da big retarded effeminate Frankenstein man. Which happens to go a long way with me.

Where do you side regarding this important issue that affects us all in these uncertain times? The comment board is open.


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This page is an archive of entries from September 2004 listed from newest to oldest.

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