August 2004 Archives

Spiderman 3: The Quest For Dignity

I've discovered a bizarre line of action figures called "Spider-Man Adventure Hero." I guess the idea behind them was that Spider-Man likes to work hard and play harder! (Without taking off his uniform, for some reason.)

They were made by a company called Toy Biz a couple of years ago, and have since been discontinued. I can't figure out why they weren't hugely popular.

Let's check out what Spider-Man likes to do for fun-- while hundreds of crime victims go unsaved.

Here's our old pal Spider-Man bungee jumping. He has gone out of his way to dangle from long strechy ropes. Isn't this exactly what Spider-Man does ALL DAY LONG? Maybe it feels more exciting and dirty when you pay for it.

I love how he decides to wear a helmet here, but it's not necessary as he swings recklessly across the skyline of New York, fighting crazed villains to the death.

Robot Painting: Version 2.01

iwo Following along as Eric painted the original Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot painting for me was quite the blast for both of us, so we wanted to do another one. (I use the term "we" loosely, since he's the one with the paint and brushes and artistic talent.)

A while back we took ideas from you guys on what the next painting should be. Eric and I thought the suggestion of the robots raising a flag like the Soldiers at Iwo Jima sounded like a pretty cool image.

There were actually tons of great ideas submitted, and we might do more of them later.

Here is the first sketch of this painting that is now in the works. Click on it for a better view.

Eric has decided that the flag should have a donut on it. I agree. You can (and should) check out all of Eric's work here.

Captain Avenger Clearing House

Here's a few more Captain Avenger's I had lying around...

The Cheap-Ass Cereal Hall of Fame

The Sneeze presents...

Like 7-Eleven for Heaven

Have you ever driven past something a thousand times without actually "seeing" it? I finally noticed this very real store for the first time the other day.

The good news is now I have a place where I can shop for all my friends. Even if they're dead.

It's Yipes? Yikes!


In the fine tradition of caramel, can we get to the bottom of something?

I've always thought the old cartoony exclamation was "YIKES!"

But recently I have heard some people say "Yipes!" Including a really smart person I respect. It's even on one of my kid's albums he listens to "...Polka-dots, checks and stripes. Yipes!"

It is now causing me to question my entire world view.

Which is it?! The comment board is currently closed.

Brainwatch 2004


Loyal readers of The Sneeze may remember that it was almost one year ago that the hideous brain grew on the tree in front of my house.

You may also remember that Mike Boom of the San Francisco Mycological Society explained what he thought the brain might be. It was only moments later that I looked up the word mycological.

Since the brain is apparently annual, we now begin BRAINWATCH 2004. I'll be keeping an eye on the tree and taking pictures as any brains develop.

Back to you in the newsroom, Connie.


Li'l Mel

Check out the tiny watermelons I found at the supermarket. They are officially wee. They're also seedless and conveniently fit in your refrigerator.

The most important selling point is how they allow you to stomp around your kitchen and pretend you're a giant. While doing this, I suggest you also try bellowing things like "I AM HUGE! THIS WATERMELON IS TINY TO ME!!!" *

Just do it. When was the last time you truly bellowed?

Here's the fruit company's FAQ about these little guys.

*(this joke stolen from Andy and a baby carrot, circa 2001.)

Pretty Ducked Up

I heard Ernie singing the "Rubber Duckie" song on Sesame Street this morning. I guess I had never paid close attention to the lyrics before, because in the second verse Ernie sings:


"Rubber Duckie, joy of joys
When I squeeze you, you make noise
Rubber Duckie you're my very best friend, it's true"


What about Bert?! Does he know about this??

I can just see poor Bert at home, making Ernie's bed with the TV on in the background. This song comes on while he's fluffing Ernie's pillow just so. Then Ernie happily confesses that after all this time a cheap rubber toy is actually his "very best friend," and Bert's little muppet world comes crashing down around him.

Later Bert desperately tries to figure out where he went wrong as he sits in the kitchen, sobbing and sipping chamomile tea. His felt cheeks soaked with tears.

Way to go, Ernie, you giggly orange prick.

City of Mostly Heroes

Here's a little more oddness from City of Heroes' most chatty character, Capt Avenger. (If you missed the first part of this, here it is.)






The first installment of Capt Avenger started here.


The Final Dr. Michael

Sadly, the last one I have...

Dear Dr. Michael,

My 17-month-old grandson keeps getting bitten in daycare. The teacher sends notes home with him that say things like "My friend bit me today when we were playing. It isn't a bad bite. My friend didn't mean to hurt me."

The only punishment they do to the kid who bites my grandson is they give the kid timeout, but that doesn't work because my grandson gets bit every week, some weeks 3 or 4 days and some days as many as five different bites.

What do you think me or his mom should do to help him so he won't keep being bitten?

--Brett's Nonna

Well, Brett's Nonna,

I think what you should do is write a letter to the school, the people there should yell at the kid and tell the Mom what the kid is doing.

They should keep the kid home from that school. They shouldn't let him go. If it's pre-school, it should be ok to let him stay home, or they should send him to a proper school. Not one that allows biting, but one that will give the proper punishment. You know, "timeout" and let the parents deal with it.

The parents should send him up to his room, not let him watch TV or do anything that he likes to do. "Go to your room and sit there" is the proper punishment.

The people at the daycare should have more proper things to say. They should watch all the kids better. "If you keep biting this kid, I'm going to have to tell your mother and send you home. Biting can really hurt a kid."

The other kids might feel that Brett is not an "OK kid." They probably don't like him. But those kids are really mean. These days they criticize people because he doesn't dress or talk right. He probably doesn't talk the right way. They probably have something there... a way of talking, and he's not doing it right.

I don't think Brett is a bad kid. These other kids are just bad. Bring the biter to a school where if you do one little thing bad, they yell at you. They should drop this kid out of pre-school. You can still do that. He won't be able to bite Brett if they drop him out of school. And if he tries to bite his Mom and Dad, he'll be in big trouble.

Take "Mommy and Me" for example. All you day all day is play with toy trucks. Why would you want to bite? Teachers should do more than just say, "Oh, look at this kid, he's so cute." They shouldn't interfere but they should watch out for bad behavior.

Brett shouldn't feel bad. It's not his fault. He's probably just one of a kind.

--Dr. Michael

The complete "Ask Dr. Michael" archive is here.

A Bidet, You Say?


I'm ashamed of my ass for being so uncultured. I have never used a bidet. They are simply a mystery to me, and I have so many questions...

-- They're all over Europe? How all over Europe? Like in every bathroom of every home and restaurant all over Europe?

-- Why haven't they caught on here in the U.S? Will they ever?

-- Do Europeans thinks we're crazy for not embracing the bidet??

-- What is the appropriate water temperature? Are you in control of the temperature?

-- What is the appropriate water pressure? Is it like a water fountain or a little jet stream just blasting its way right on up there?

-- What is the proper drying ettiquitte of a freshly-bideted butt? A towel?? Toilet paper???

-- Do you physically sit on it or just crouch over it?

-- Do you like it?

-- Would I like it??

-- Are they simply for asses or is there more to this???

-- Does anyone ever pee in the bidet????

So many questions.

Enlighten me. The comment board is now CLOSED. (Scroll to read all previous comments.)

Busting Balls in a Single Bound

I've been messing around with a computer game called City of Heroes. It's a "massive multi-player game" which means hundreds of people are online at once, in this case running around as super-heroes in this 3-D virtual world.

The game itself is okay, but I found I had more fun typing silly crap to the other players. I took some screenshots.

Here's my guy, Capt. Avenger, attempting some of his special brand of chit-chat with the other "heroes" while they're trying to play.


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This page is an archive of entries from August 2004 listed from newest to oldest.

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