July 2004 Archives

Ironjaw: The New Guide to Girls

A few weeks ago I introduced you to Ironjaw: the crappy comic book that my aunt gave me as a kid for absolutely no apparent reason.

I never really read any Ironjaw until now, and that is a true shame because I've come to realize that my aunt wasn't just handing me a comic book-- she was handing me an instructional tool for the opposite sex-- a virtual how-to guide to women. Had I only studied it then, my life-experience with the ladies may have been very different.

The good news is, it's not too late for any of us.

Boys "R" Us

Back in the day, I was a graphic designer. I designed all kinds of crap for mass mailings, product catalogs and CD-Rom packaging. When I was bored (always), I'd hide little things in layouts for my own amusement and wonder if anyone out there would ever actually catch my brilliant stupidity.

I was in Toys "R" Us yesterday and came across this "Geoffrey" Beach Ball (which only come one to a package, mind you). I just know some doof out there was bored designing the insert for this thing and thought -- heehee, if I put another one in, it will look like the little girl is holding a gigantic pair of giraffe balls. And then I'm sure he wondered if anyone out there would catch it.

Nice work, dude. I caught it.

I defy you to cup them.

And check out at that smug look on Geoffrey's face! You'd look smug too if each of your nuts was 2 feet wide. Given the giant balls, I can only imagine what that's a pool of she's swimming in.

Global Schoolyard Rhymes #11

3 new ones straight from those nutty kids in Finland and Portugal. Enjoy as they target Batman, Santa Claus and a local drunk...

PORTUGAL

(Here's one the sender's mother and her friends
used to sing to tease a local drunk named Sebastian)

Sebastião come tudo tudo tudo,
Sebastião come tudo sém colher,
Sebastião come tudo tudo tudo,
Chega à casa da pancadas na mulher

English Translation:

Sebastian eats everything,
Sebastian eats everything without a spoon,
Sebastian eats everything,
then goes home and slaps his wife around

sent by: Rui

**********************

FINLAND

Joulupuu on varastettu,
jeparit on ovella.
Joulupukki hirtettynä
killuu kuusen oksalla.

Kuusen pienet kynttiläiset
käristävät pukkia.
Pukkii huuta tuskissansa:
"Tuokaa haudalle kukkia!"

Kuusen pienet kynttiläiset
ovat aivan pätkiä.
Ympärillä lapsukaiset
vetelevät sätkiä!

English Translation:

The christmas tree has been stolen
cops are at the door
hanged Santa Claus
swings on a branch of a fir

Little candles of the tree
burn Santa
Santa yells in pain
"Bring flowers to my grave!"

Little candles of the tree
are short
around it the three children
are smoking cigarettes!

**********************

FINLAND

Batman oli mielipuoli
hyppäs katolta ja kuoli
Batman!

English Translation:

Batman was a madman
jumped off a roof and died
Batman!

from: leena

**********************


Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

See all the rhymes here.

Harper's & The Sneeze: WACKY!


How many times have you been working out, or eating your cereal or burying the body out back and thought: "Golly, The Sneeze is pretty okay. How come it's never featured on pg.22 of the August issue of Harper's Magazine?"

Well, guess what, Bubba? Your dreams have almost come true! The Sneeze IS in the August 2004 issue of Harper's, but it's actually on pg. 24. (Now don't feel bad, you were really close!)

Harper's has published 12 rhymes from the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project.

I will admit it's a little odd seeing The Sneeze mentioned in such a well-respected periodical as Harper's. But let's not question it. Let us just enjoy, and say "Thank Yooouuuu, Harper's!"

Now all we need to do is get "Steve, Don't Eat It!" in the next issue of Gourmet.

Finding Nemo's Hole

GilI know you can poke holes in just about any movie, but this one just sorta jumped out at me, so pardon me while I poke.

My son was watching Finding Nemo for the 4012th time, (a movie I do love, by the way) and it occurred to me-- why wouldn't Gil just have pretended to be dead to get out of the tank from the start?

He's a very bright fish. He was able to concoct a complicated tank escape plan involving a broken filter and a risky rolling bag scenario, and he never once thought to just go belly up and get flushed like Nemo eventually tries? Gil clearly knows "all drains lead to the ocean." He says it himself.

My wife says Gil is just a Rube Goldberg type. I can respect that response. But then again that's her answer to everything, and it rarely makes sense.

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 7

Sadly, the next to last Dr. Michael in the vault...



Dear Dr. Michael,

What is the best thing to use when I'm trying to catch Speckled Trout?

--Fishy


Dear Fishy,

Obviously worms. You put speckles on the worms. Don't draw on them because it is not permanent and when you put them in the water it might just come off.

Sometimes I see these little sparkle things.

You can take the worm and kill him first. Then put glue on him and put the speckles on. You can get the speckles at K-Mart. Then wait for it to dry and put it in the water to get the fish. It might not be at K-Mart, but look at your local stores.

If you can't find speckles, use sparkles.

-- Dr. Michael

The complete "Ask Dr. Michael" archive is here.

Bucks Bashing

| 60 Comments

I'll say it. I like Starbucks.

Do you have a problem with that? Some of my friends do. It seems to upset them that I actually like the plain ol' regular coffee at Starbucks. They're very quick to say things like "Coffee Bean is better!" But I've noticed there's a certain attitude that seems to accompany it-- a certain gleam in their eyes that makes me wonder if this goes deeper than coffee.

Maybe they're troubled by the whole monopoly of Starbucks. I'm not saying that they don't actually like Coffee Bean, but I think they also want to like Coffee Bean. Or Peete's. Or anything that's not Starbucks. Like on some subconscious level this is their chance to be Luke Skywalker shooting at the evil coffee Death Star.

Sure, you can goof on Starbucks if you must. I won't even try to make a defense. But I have to say, the whole-- "Starbucks is so pretentious, and confusing what with a small is "Tall" and medium is "Grande" and it's so expensive, and these teenagers today with their rock and roll and blah blah blabiddy blah blah blahbiddy." I know! You're right! But I don't care. I like it anyway. And those kind of comments are getting kinda creaky. It's all sounds pretty "Leno." (And I also think goofing on Leno is about ten minutes away from being very Leno itself.)

Some people tell me Starbucks tastes burned. What can I say? Maybe I've acquired a taste for burned coffee beans. And if it does taste burned, at least it's consistently burned. I remember when I thought beer tasted yucky, too. That little problem seems to have gone away. And personally I think Coffee Bean coffee tastes a little sour. So there.

Young Skywalker, if you must blast the Bucks, go ahead. As for me, it's 6:45 in the morning and I sure could go for a hot corporate grande cup of conformity right now.

Comical

When I was a kid my Aunt Fran came over the house one day. She held a thin paper bag and said, "Steven, I have a surprise for you. I know you like comic books, so I got you this."

Sweet! Good ol' Aunt Fran!

What could it be??? Fantastic Four? The Incredible Hulk?

I grabbed the bag and pulled out my unexpected bounty.

Oh boy! Iron M-- jaw...

IronJaw?

Gee, thanks Aunt Fran.

He's really... cool. No, he is!

Stand back evil! Here comes IRONJAW and his... iron... jaw.

Nothing can stand in his way! No matter how... chewy?

Well, at least he's got a cool unifor--

Nevermind.

Reviews You Can Use: Identical Twins

The concept of identical people is an intriguing one. Unfortunately, I know more than one set of these so-called "identical" twins, and I can always tell them apart. They don't even have the same first names-- identical my sack. It's just another lie we've been fed, like the existence of the "Loch Ness Monster" or "Cuba."

If an egg is going to go to the trouble of splitting, and DNA is going to go through the trouble of being shared, I don't think it's too much to ask of two people to simply be the same person. Nowadays twins don't even have the common courtesy to dress alike. I've met ones that won't even finish each other's sentences. The only thing they do have in common is an irritating urge to be individuals.

And what about that junk where one twin gets hurt and the other twin somehow feels it. Two of my oldest dearest friends, Mark and Pete, are "identical" twins. As a test, I ran over Mark's head with my Honda. His twin brother didn't feel a thing. He just went about his day without a care in the world. Sure, I enjoyed that satisfying POP you can only get from a skull under your tires, but the guy was one of my best friends! Now he's gone! And what's worse is, he used to get me the best presents.

Gee, it sure would be nice if there was a person out there who could take his place. Someone, I don't know... "identical" to him? What a minute, I've got it! I can get Mark's identical twin brother... and make him scour the globe for a suitable replacement.

PROS:
- Excellent concept
- Hot twin sisters = extra hot

CONS:
- They're not identical

Bottom Line: Great idea, poorly executed.

Final Grade: C+




Current Events & The Cos

Comedian Bill Cosby has sparked some heated discussion with his recent criticism of certain members of the African-American community.

In one remark at a May commemoration of the anniversary of the Brown v. Board of Education desegregation decision, Cosby denounced the grammar of some African-Americans.

"I can't even talk the way these people talk, "Why you ain't,' "Where you is?' . . . and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk," Cosby said. "Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth."

Cosby Kid, Mush Mouth, from the show "Fat Albert & the Cosby Kids" issued the following statement: "Hey-buh man-buh, listen to Bill-buh. Talking right-buh is the best-buh."

**********************

In a related story, Fat Albert has announced plans to finally sue Dwayne from "What's Happening" over the phrase "Hey, Hey, Hey!"

I'll keep you posted as these stories develop.

Wouldn't You Rather Relax?

We've all played that Would You Rather game where you are forced to make perplexing choices for amusement. A classic example being: WOULD YOUR RATHER... watch a porno movie with your parents OR watch a porno movie starring your parents?

Sure it's entertaining, but those choices are difficult. I have enough stress in my life what with raising kids, the threat of terrorism, all the shame associated with having extra-large genitalia, etc...

I want everyone to have a peaceful and relaxing July 4th-- so sit back, take a deep breath, and enjoy my simpler, stress-free, "heart-healthy" version of this popular game...

WOULD YOU RATHER...

Win a billion dollars?

OR

Have your face bitten off by a shark?

(See? Easy like Sunday morning. I can feel the tension melting away. Okay, try this one...)

WOULD YOU RATHER...

Have sex with the hottest person on the planet?

OR

Legally change your name to Fatty Igotaids?

(I'd say we just gave Ol' Mr. Stress a kick in the keister! Get ready, the last one is tricky.)

WOULD YOU RATHER...

Have a long, fulfilling and productive life?

OR

Get fucked in the eye by Frankenstein a lot?

I don't know about you, but I feel like I just had a massage. Have a great 4th of July, guys! (And bring it on, Frankenstein!)

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