June 2004 Archives

Global Schoolyard Rhymes #10

Here's a fresh batch of obnoxious kid rhymes from Autralia, The Soviet Union and Rio. Thanks again to everyone for your submissions!


Pervoye maya, pervoye maya,
kuritsa hromaya
a petuh kosoy
podavilsya kolbasoy

English Translation

First of May, first of May
a lame hen
and a crossed-eyed rooster
choked on a sausage

Sent by: eisje



Boys are strong,
like King Kong!

Girls are weak,
chuck 'em in the creek!

(This can also be reversed, for sexual equality.)

Sent by Petra



Silêncio no tribunal!
Tira as calças do general!

English translation:

Silence in the court!
Take off the general's pants!

Sent by: rrocha

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

See all the rhymes here.

Happy Birthday to The Sneeze!

happy birthday li'l guy!

My baby turns one year old today!
They grow up so fast.

If we were on TV, now is when everyone would start singing For The Sneeze Is A Jolly Good Fellow (since the real Happy Birthday song is actually held under copyright and costs money to sing.)

As far as birthday presents go, nothing beats good ol' word of mouth. So, if you have received a little enjoyment from The Sneeze over the past year, I humbly ask you to take a minute right now and please email a friend or two about the site!

I've even made it easier than ever with my patented The Sneeze Instant Word of Mouth Email Opening Link.

I'd also like to thank Rob at retroCRUSH, Rob at Cockeyed, FARK, Patrick Holland's BUZZ LIST, Eric Joyner, Exploding Cigar, LinkSwarm, JengaJam, Lisa at Hungry Girl, Jen at Very Big Blog, Joelle at Tenth Muse & BlogMoxie, Dunstan at 1976, Coolios, Kevin at Forgotten NY, Dan Schneider, Savage Steve Holland, Don Novello, Kirker, Peter Pagano, Pags, Don, Mark, Anthony, Tony, Jessica and all the other great people and sites who have helped along the way. I sincerely appreciate it! (and I apologize in advance to anyone I stupidly forgot to mention.)

Thanks again to everybody for all your kind emails and links over the last year!

Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 6


I recently came across a container of fermented soybeans in the supermarket. I don't mean an old container of soybeans some stockboy forgot to toss. These are fermented-on-purpose soybeans from Japan. That's what Natto is.

I remembered hearing about this stuff on Iron Chef one time when it was the secret ingredient. The judges in the show were commenting on what a great job the chefs had done to "supress the smell" of the natto. I'm no Iron Chef, but I've got a clever way to supress the smell. Don't put it in your fucking food. I might not win "Battle Natto," but I promise you my dinner won't smell like stank-ass soybeans.

I found it slightly unsettling that the sealed styrofoam container had creepy little airholes in it. As if what was inside needed to breathe. I dared to lift the lid, which made me regret that I needed to breathe. The natto was coated in some kind of sick slime and had the complex yet playful aroma of a dumpster in July.

Actually, the little pile inside looked kinda like baked beans. It also smelled kinda like baked beans. If they were baked in the filthy heat of Satan's asshole.


This particular batch was made by a company in Japan called Shirakiku. I haven't been able to determine if Shirakiku is a food manufacturer, or just a store that sells gag gifts and practical jokes. It might be both.

Not unlike Michael Jackson, these harmless soybeans had undergone some kind of hideous transformation. They were now a freakish version of their former selves. (Which, coincidentally, should also be kept away from your children.)

The most disturbing aspect of this stuff is it seems to get "activated" when you stir it. What I mean by this is, (and I may actually weep, but...) the slimy coating on the beans develops into stringy, stretchy, marshmallow-like strands that will forever haunt my dreams.

dripping with natto goodness

Basically, if you move it back and forth enough, you're left with a gross, sticky mess. (Hey, natto and I have at least one thing in common!) And now that I think about it, that's exactly what it looks like the pranksters back at Shirakiku did into my beans. You guuuys!

I force-fed myself a big ol' spoonful, and found it to be slightly rancid and extremely bitter. Unfortunately, swallowing didn't help dissipate the flavor because the strings of bean jizz melted, coating my mouth and lips with a glistening sheen of sadness.

The entire experience is difficult to describe, but if you can remember back to the very first time you made out with a hobo's ass, it's a lot like that.

What I find most hilarious is that there is an expiration date on the package. What could they possibly expect to happen to the product on this date THAT HAS NOT ALREADY OCCURRED?!!!

Also, nestled in this mound of compost was a li'l packet of mustard. In its place, I would strongly suggest a written apology.

I do have one last theory about the date on the package. It may be an expiration date, but not for the beans. If you finish the container, that's the day you die.

(All episodes of "Steve, Don't Eat It!" can be found here.)

Lying Sacks of "SU" (A PopCornspiracy)

Our microwave broke the other day. Technically it still worked, but I couldn't get it to turn off. That's not good because most foods don't need to be cooked forever.

I purchased a brand new microwave and to break it in I also bought some microwave popcorn -- Orville Redenbacher's "Kettle Korn." If you've never had real Kettle Corn, it's kinda salty and kinda sweet, and more than kinda good.

The microwave version tasted okay, but there was something just faintly off about it. I looked at the ingredients and I saw that it wasn't sweetened with sugar, but with "sucralose." Sucralose also goes by the brandname Splenda.

I was a little annoyed by this because I'm not a big fan of artificial sweeteners. I don't avoid them at all cost, but I still don't fully trust them. (You may remember when I wrote about that freaky Nutrasweet Lady.)

By the way, the name Nutrasweet is hilarious to me. NUTRA-sweet. Like it is somehow a combo of "Nutritious" and "Sweet." It might be sweet, but there ain't nothin' NUTRA in there. And the company that makes Splenda likes to tout that their product is "made from real sugar." Guess what: dog crap is made from real food, too. I still don't suggest you sprinkle it on your cornflakes, but I digress...

Back to the Kettle Corn-- you'd think they might have given me a little heads up on the box that this product (which is traditionally made with sugar) wasn't sweetened with sugar at all. But it says nothing about that.

The next time I was at the store I wanted to see if I could find a brand of microwave kettle corn that didn't use sucralose. I saw a box of ACT II KETTLE CORN -- "Old-Fashioned Sweet & Salty Popcorn." It even had a pleasant illustration of a kettle with big burlap sacks of sugar and salt behind it. Awesome. I read the ingredients: SUCRALOSE. What the F?!

I looked at the illustration again and saw that the word SALT was clearly in full view. But the word SUGAR was blocked by the kettle, so all you could see was "SU." How convenient. I suppose their argument would be that the kettle is actually blocking the word "SUCRALOSE." And we all know there's nothing better than the ol' fashioned flavor of a giant sack of sucralose. Sneaky popcorn bastards.

Instead of the "SU" they should just change it to "F. U." I think that's what the illustration is really trying to say to me, anyway.

(Incidentally, every brand of microwave kettle corn I checked used sucralose, whether it was low-fat or not. Not one acknowledged it.)

For more adventures in questionable food don't miss the "Steve, Don't Eat It!" section.

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 6

More words to live your life by, straight from Dr. Michael.
(Originally seen in Stet).

Dear Dr. Michael,

I have four kids. A daughter who's in second grade, two daughters that are in 5th grade, and a son who's in 7th grade. I love them very much, but the problem I have is that they fight with each other all the time. My husband and I are going nuts! What should we do?

--From Worried in Connecticut

Dear Worried,

If you're pretty worried, I've seen kids fight a lot, and believe me -- it's nasty. It's really bad. I think that you should discipline if it's really bad. Not all the time. Yelling doesn't solve it, but if they're pulling each other's hair, you should yell at them.

There's probably only one thing that they all want and there's not enough to go around. Buy more.

A daughter who is in second grade should get sort of a soft punishment. "Go to your room and don't talk to me for like, two hours." The boy in 7th, if he's really bad, you should discipline him even worse. Don't let him watch TV for about a week.

Look out for violence and punching each other. Boys are always really violent.

It's not usually the kid's fault. The parents might not be doing their job. Usually when a kid fights with another kid it's because he wants attention or something big. Say you got two people and they rent two different video games for the same system. They want to play their video game first. They want people to go up and talk to them. The parents aren't paying enough attention.

If the kids are being nasty, yell at them, if they get really violent -- discipline, but don't hit unless they try to hit you.

--Dr. Michael

You can find all installments of Ask Dr. Michael right here.

What's Your Favorite Song Part?

Rob over at retroCRUSH has taken a break from his Olympic training (he'll be going for the gold in speed-walking) to put together a most fun and brilliant list. With help from his readers, he has compiled the 50 COOLEST SONG PARTS of all time. Head on over and give them a listen right here. And considering he was once almost arrested for trying to tickle Eddie Vedder-- he knows what he's talking about.

Fast Food Health Warning!

Recently McDonald's launched a new item called the "Fruit 'n Walnut Salad."


I didn't think much of it until I saw the very alarming fine print at the bottom of the banner.


McDonald's new Fruit 'N Walnut salad secretly contains nuts! Those bastards! We're all pretty lucky I was paying attention. (Just be thankful it doesn't contain anything really crazy-- like fruit.)

If you have already ordered this item and are not sure what to do, my suggestion is to pick around the nuts and just eat the walnuts.

This whole thing is almost as weird as their previous promotion of cannibalism.

Wanted: Robot Painting Ideas



UPDATE: The comment board for suggestions is now closed. Stay tuned for the next posting about this project. Thanks for all the great ideas!

Some of you may remember when I had contacted toy robot painting genius Eric Joyner with an idea for a painting, and a short time later the masterpiece (now known as "The Final Blow") was born. We followed it, step-by-step, right here.

I'm happy to announce that Eric has agreed to create another robot painting in conjunction with The Sneeze. And this time Eric and I will be taking suggestions from you guys on what it should be!

Snow!You can click over to www.ericjoyner.com and check out his gallery for some inspiration. You can also click on the thumbnail to the right for a better view of one of his latest creations.

For a fun added incentive, Eric has agreed to give a free signed limited edition print of the painting to the person who had the most creative impact on it.

A few things to keep in mind:
a) The ideas can tell a story that is serious and emotional, or funny, or have no story at all and just be an interesting still-life.
b) Don't feel pressure to provide every minor detail. In fact, it's better to leave Eric some creative wiggle room.
c) If you do feel the need to suggest a specific robot, it must be pre-1974.

Once Eric has made the final decision on the idea, you'll get to watch another amazing Joyner painting come to life, every step of the way. We can't wait to hear your ideas!


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