April 2004 Archives

Global Schoolyard Rhymes #9

It's been awhile since I put up some new obnoxious kid rhymes from around the world, so here are a few from Holland, Ireland and The Channel Islands (which is just off the coast of France, sent in the language of Jèrriais.)

HOLLAND

Wat je zegt ben je zelf,
met je kop door de helft,
met je kop door de muur,
ben je morgen weer zuur!

English Translation:

What you say applies to yourself,
with your head in half
with your head through the wall
you'll be sorry again tomorrow!

Sent by Thijs & Wiarda

...............................

CHANNEL ISLANDS #1

Jean Stcheltonne
lé tchu lî sonne;
quand la mé monte,
lé tchu lî dêfonce;
quand la mé d’vale,
lé tchu lî dêhale;
quand la mé r’tithe,
lé tchu lî vithe;
et quand i’ gèle,
lé tchu lî pèle!

English Translation

John Skelton
his ass sounds;
when the tide comes in,
his ass breaks;
when the tide falls,
his ass comes out;
when the tide goes out,
his ass veers (he has diarrhea);
and when it freezes,
his ass peels!

...............................

CHANNEL ISLANDS #2

"Tch’est qu’est tan nom?"

"Man nom est man nom,
et l’tchein est êcrit souos la coue d’couochon!"

English Translation>

"What’s your name?"

"My name is my name,
and yours is written under the pig’s tail!"

Sent by: Geraint Jennings

...............................

IRELAND

Tattle-tale tit,
Your tongue's going to split,
Your brother can't go to bed
without his dummy-tit.

(a dummy-tit is a baby's pacifier)

Sent by: Johnnylaw

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

See all the rhymes here.

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 4

Yet another vintage dose of Dr. Michael from the Stet vault.

(All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.)



Dear Dr. Michael,

I have problems with money all the time. I owe so much money on my credit cards. I can't manage the money I make. What can I do?

Signed,
--VisaMan


Ok, VisaMan...that's a good name, I like that...because of the card...that's pretty cute.

Alright, you should only spend money on the things that are important, not like these new things for your television like Picture in Picture. You don't need that. A normal television is just fine. I have a cousin who likes Action figures. Don't get action figures unless they're really important and you have extra money left. Make a list of the things you need. You should be spending your money on food and something to drink. The only time I'd advise you to get a lot of things is before winter. If you have a really bad blizzard, you might not be able to get out and go to stores. Stock up before winter.

Call up the credit card Company and say "Ok, I'm going to make this money, I'm going to work overtime on my job," if you have a job. They'll be ok with that. If they're really mean and say "I want my money now!" You say, "Hey listen, I'll take a note, I'll go out and get the money, but like you say 'wait 4 to 6 weeks for delivery' ok? Don't expect it before that. It's only fair. And no CODs" If necessary, open up a savings account. But only if you're really desperate. If you owe them over $36,000.00 in profit.

Save your money at the end of the week. Spend extra money on stuff you really like. Maybe you like laptops. If you like music, get yourself a recorder, it's sort of like a flute.

--Dr. Michael

I Think Things!

I think it sucks to be a manatee.

fat-ass of the sea

They eat mostly vegetables.

They swim all day long.

And yet somehow they remain complete and total fat-asses.


It's a fact,

I think things.

A Quick Easter Thought...

To those of you who find yourselves confronted with a plate of lamb and mint jelly this Sunday, please think of this as you chew: Mint jelly on lamb is like eating meat and forgetting to spit out your gum.

Happy Easter. Eat responsibly.


This message brought to you by the
People Who Think Lamb With Mint Jelly Tastes Like Meat And Gum Foundation.

Bernie Koppell: Doctor, Sex Machine.

The Year: 1977
The Show: Love Boat

At some point while casting this TV classic, the question arose: "Who are we going to get to play the ship's sexy sexy doctor? The heart-throb. The righteous dude who scores with the ladies week after week."

Their answer: Bernie Koppell.

And, my friends, the answer was correct.

Look at him. Just a-dripping with sexuality. Was it the giant glasses? The knee-high white socks? Maybe he had an anchor in his pants. Whatever the reason, I think it's pretty easy to see why Doc got busy with anything that even half-resembled a Landers Sister on that show.

Bernie-- it is you who makes... LOOOOVE, EXCITING AND NEWWW. (Everybody sing!) COME ABOOAAAARRRD! WE'RE EXPECTING YOOOUUUU!

Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 3

Here is another vintage installment of Dr. Michael from the Stet archives.

(As usual-- all questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.)



Dear Dr. Michael,


I've been dating this girl for about six months and we got pretty serious rather quickly. I really like her, but all of a sudden she wants to slow down. I think she wants to date other people, or maybe she just isn't attracted to me.

When I confront her about it and suggest changing our relationship to a friendly one only, she tell me she still wants to date and that she is attracted to me. For the past six weeks though, our romantic involvement has been null. Should I stick with it or look for love somewhere else?

--Confused Crybaby


Dear Crybaby,

If she wants to date other guys and she is acting mean to you, I think you should wait until she gets really serious and firm. You can soften her up and say you don't want to go on dates with her anymore and say "You're a brat!"

If she gets mean, then cut the stuff. There are a lot of girls in college. A lot of good ones- like ones that wear make-up and always dress up!

Cut the other girl and get surrounded with all these other girls. Take out each one and once you like one take her back to the first girl and say "Well, I got a better one than you."

You can meet girls at work. A lot of girls go to the beauty salon. You can hang out on the wall and when girls come out you could say "Hey, how ya' doing?"

You could also get a dog shirt that says "I'm a dog," and when she comes out you can say "Bow wow WOW!"

--Dr. Michael

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