March 2004 Archives

Bean Man - The Aftermath

Pat & Beans Regular readers of The Sneeze will remember that my friend, Patrick, made a public vow to eat nothing but baked beans for a month after Ashton Kutcher's recent movie "The Butterfly Effect" made more than $40 million in its first 4 weeks.

I interviewed him when he began his bean-filled odyssey, and here we are 4 weeks and many many many cans of beans later. As we near the end of Pat's Baked Beans Challenge, we talked about how it all went.

A Most Thoughtful Gift

There's nothing quite as special as receiving a thoughtful gift from a friend who has returned from a trip. It's such a nice feeling to be remembered like that. My friend Kirker got back from Chicago and gave me just such a present-- this stylish trucker's cap.

In addition to being so trendy right now, there are so many reasons why I love my new hat:

  • From a purely functional standpoint, this cap will help protect me from the sun's damaging rays for years to come. No pre-mature aging here!
  • The bill of the hat also acts as a "visor" to help keep the sun out of my eyes-- helpful for seeing.
  • The cap is very light-weight, so it won't cause me any undue neck strain, like all those "heavy hats."
  • What's more, the top of the hat is made from an expensive, delicate mesh that allows air in, and won't cause me to become over-heated. The darn thing is even adjustable to fit anybody's head! ANYBODY'S! What doesn't this cap do?!
  • To top it off, the front is accented with this eye-catching braided piece of rope. Sharp!

  • ..................................

    I think it's safe to say, the true gift here is having a friend like Kirker. Not to mention, so often kids are embarrased by their parents. It feels good to know that I'm one of the few hip dads a kid can be proud of. I could go on, but right now I need to pack up the little woman and the kids, put on my nifty new hat, and it's off to church. See ya.

    Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 5

    Breast Milk

    Until now, the foods I've sampled for this section have all come from the supermarket. Then one day I realized that a perfectly viable "Steve Don't Eat It" candidate has been sitting right under my nose for months. Right in my very own refrigerator. And it came right out of my wife! No, I'm not talking about that giant cucumber, perv. I'm talking about breast milk.

    That's right. And not just a little drop off the odd finger, but a genuine slug of freshly-pumped wife juice. (I'll go ahead and ignore the shiver I just got, and keep typing.)

    Thinking about actually drinking breast milk has caused me to ponder the question: Is it not weirder to drink cow's milk which is truly intended for baby cows? The answer: Hell no! The only thing weirder than me drinking breast milk, is the fact that milk is coming out of my wife's chest in the first place. It sure as hell didn't do that when I met her. I'm telling you, the whole thing is lunacy. I love my wife, but does she really have to be such a mammal?

    Okay, I have put this off long enough. The time has come. I'm off to The Booby Bar to see what they've got on tap...



    Oh, where do I begin?

    Well, I did feel the need to find the appropriate glass. Drinking it from a baby bottle seemed too on the nose (not to mention too creepy), and I didn't have enough milk to justify a martini glass. (Although with a splash of Bailey's I suppose you'd have yourself a nice "Nippletini.") Luckily the "Dumbass Website Gods" smiled down upon me. I came across the only shot glass we happened to have in the house, and it was actually from Wisconsin -- The Milk State!

    I must admit that my aversion to drinking breast milk is something of a double-standard. Let me try to put this as delicately as I can out of respect to my female readers... but some women have been known to willingly "ingest" a certain dubious "body fluid" made by men, during moments of "intimacy." (These moments are known as "blow jobs." These women are known as "awesome.")

    Nevertheless, I couldn't bring myself to just do the whole shot at once, so I started out with a little girly sip. And the truth is it's not that bad at all. It tastes like milk, just slightly more sweet. And mentally, just slightly more making me want to gargle with Clorox and assume the fetal position while I question my life.

    Now, while I may have issues with drinking this stuff, I have been a huge fan of its packaging for years. You may be interested to know that breast milk is now available in a variety of convenient sizes:

    from the portable, half-pint container...

    to the more economical one gallon jugs.

    To make things more interesting, and a little bit easier on myself, I decided to break out the Hershey's syrup and whip up some chocolate breast milk.

    This time I just knocked the shot right back, and two words immediately came to mind: Yoo Hoo. It tasted just like good ol' Yoo Hoo. I almost want to say that drinking breast milk isn't so bad, except the other two-word phrases that also came to mind were "stomach pump" and "kill me."

    I'm officially leaving all future breast milk drinking in the capable hands of my baby boy -- the one guy who now gets to second base with my wife way more than I do. But, I don't mind. I love that little asshole.

    (All volumes of Steve, Don't Eat It can be found here.)

    Ask Dr. Michael - Vol. 2

    Here is another classic dose of Dr. Michael from the annals of Stet. I had forgotten just how brilliant and refreshingly bizarre his answers could get.

    All questions were sent in by readers, all answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael, and all hilarity ensued.



    Dear Dr. Michael,

    My wife and I want to move from the city in Canada where we live, to a country town that we enjoy very much. However, to move -- we would have to sell our place for a loss. Which is more important?

    --Stuck

    Dear Stuck,

    This is what you should do - if you can. If you do have a job, you could ask your boss "Can you give me some higher work, even though I don't want it? Can you give me more money?"

    If you don't have a job, get a really good job that will pay you good money. If you study up you can get the right money to get the house. You could be an art teacher or you could be in the U.S. Army. Wait... you can't be in the U.S. Army because you are in Canada.

    Canada has lot of snow and I don't think you should stay there. Your house will get covered up in snow. You could move to a little town in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I would prefer Gettysburg, because it has a lot of short towns and there are short houses and the blocks are always short.

    -- Dr. Michael



    Dear Dr. Michael,

    I am a researcher with a big biotech company. Recently, because of protests from human rights groups, we've stopped doing tests on prision inmates. In order to compensate for this, my company has purchased hundreds of terribly deformed chickens for us to experiment on. This presents a moral delimma for me: is it alright to experiment on a chicken, especially one that has deformities?

    --Confused about Chickens

    Dear Confused,

    I guess it's okay to do it on the chickens if there is something wrong with them and you're a doctor and the experiments will get them good. Or else, I think you should leave the chickens alone. If you do something wrong then the chickens would probably die.

    You should try and test on robots or something. A robotic person that they use on Mars that walks around. You should get one of those that is mechanical but it has lungs in it. You could put the medicine in, and it has computer chips so if it malfunctions it's bad for you and if it doesn't malfunction it's good for you. You can get them from NASA or just get some scrap metal together. Then you could let the chickens go where you found them. And we shouldn't eat them.

    I don't think you should do the experiments on prison inmates. I think if you do it to an inmate, even if he's just a prisoner and he doesn't have an alibi, and is going to be electrocuted, you shouldn't kill him off because YOU might go to jail.

    Once I saw a kid that had an arm sticking out of his stomach, but I don't know where that kid lives. You would have to get the right I.D. and the right forms to fill out, and get the right address, and if it's alright with the parents and family members then you could experiment on him.

    --Dr. Michael.

    Global Schoolyard Rhymes #8

    Here's a new bevy of obnoxious international kid rhymes. This batch features ones from Bangladesh, Russia, and a bit of a theme from England and Canada. (I love when that happens -- so odd that it would be that song.)

    If you've got a good one, send it on in!


    BRIGHTON, ENGLAND

    We had joy, we had fun
    Flicking boogies at the sun
    But the sun was too hot
    So the boogies turned to snot

    From: ToeKnee

    ...............................

    CANADA

    We had joy, we had fun
    Sticking pickles up our bums
    But the pain got too strong
    'Cause the pickles were too long

    from: Annie

    ...............................

    BANGLADESH

    Ada Pada Lobon Chaadaa
    Paad Disey key?
    Tui !!

    English Translation

    Ada Pada Lobon Chaadaa (nonsense)
    Who has farted?
    You!!

    from: Jabin

    Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
    Send it here for the next update!
    Just be sure to include:
    1) The rhyme's originating country
    2) The rhyme in the original language
    3) The direct english translation

    See all the rhymes here.

    Bring On the Beans

    Pat & Beans My friend, Patrick, writes the Buzz List at Excite and iWon. Not long ago he made a public vow to eat nothing but baked beans for a month if Ashton Kutcher's recent movie "The Butterfly Effect" made more than $40 million in its first 4 weeks.

    Pat lost that bet, and Beanfest 2004 started March 1st. I interviewed him the night before it began about this important undertaking.

    Better Off Dead - Savage Steve Holland

    cover

    Savage Steve Holland wrote and directed Better Off Dead, in addition to being an incredibly nice guy. I recently had the chance to hang out with both Savage and Dan Schneider (who played Ricky), to discuss the movie in depth.

    The following is Part One of our talk which includes, among many interesting topics, Savage's very candid and detailed explanation of just how much John Cusack hates the movie.

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