February 2004 Archives

An Urgent Open Letter to Mexico

Dear Mexico,

I need to make you aware of a situation. I'm not sure the best way to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it...

The United States has stolen your burritos and is now calling them "wraps."

It's been going on for a few years now, and I thought you should know. I would have said something sooner, but I didn't have a website then. (And your number is unlisted.)

I think the first "wraps" had more corporate american fillings like turkey and mayo, but now things are completely out of hand, as you can see from this recipe for a BEAN AND CHEESE WRAP.

I don't know how to say "That's fucked up" in Spanish, but if I did, I would. You'll have to settle for a sincere, "Aye, aye, aye!" (I'd say "Aye, Carumba!" but The Simpsons already stole that from you 10 years ago.)

Vaya con dios!
Esteban

Ask Dr. Michael

The following is the first of five Ask Dr. Michael installments to come. All the questions were sent in by readers, and the answers were transcribed verbatim from 8-year-old Michael...

Dear Dr. Michael,

I had made a blind date with a girl who was very nice on the phone, but then I found out she was fat and now I'm having second thoughts. Is this wrong? What should I do?

--Skinny and Scared

Dear Skinny,

I think you should cut off the date if you called her and you didn't know what she looked like. What you should do is buy a present for her and you say you're going to break the date and then if she doesn't understand you just keep talking and talking until she understands. Maybe you can get her a makeup kit, or something like that?

Tell her "Please, I just don't want to go out with you. I don't think this is right. I didn't know what you look like." But don't say you know she's fat. If she gets tough you'll have to say she's fat. If she gets mad and breaks the date then you won't have to even give her the present.

If you're just going out to lunch, that's not a date and you can do that. But some people might think it's weird that somebody that's so fat is with somebody so skinny. I wouldn't want you to be made fun of.

A fat woman and a skinny boy, ­that's weird! You might get hurt and she would too.

--Dr. Michael

***************************

Dear Dr. Michael,
My engine has been making a pinging sound. What do you think that is?

--Worried on Wheels


Dear Wheels,

It's just the engine or the gas. If there is a little something in the gas tube then just take it out. If it's something stuck in the motor you can get it out with something like pliers. It could be anything. Some crazy teenagers could have thrown stuff at the bottom of the car. But they only do this on Halloween.

--Dr. Michael

I Think Things!

Sometimes I think Jennifer Aniston...

is a really beautiful Stan Laurel.

Elves Got Skillz

Like most people, I tend to only think about elves during the usual times -- around Christmas, and when I'm having sex. But the other day Mark and I were discussing just how versatile these pointy-eared little freaks really are.

Without further delay, The Sneeze proudly presents:

THE MAGICAL SKILL SET OF ELVES
**********************

Building Toys: Elves work tirelessly all year long so on Christmas Eve, Santa can deliver delightful toys to all the good little girls and boys. Yaaay! (Unless their parents are poor, in which case Santa brings crappy toys, or maybe an orange. Awww.)

**********************

Baking Cookies: I believe it was a young Stephen Hawking who said, "If cookies were ho's, then elves be they pimp." (I might be paraphrasing a bit-- it was either that or some crap about the universe.) The point is, elves make some kick-ass cookies.

The Keebler's prefer to do their baking in large hollow trees, despite the enormous fire hazard. Each year hundreds of elves and woodland creatures die in baking related forest fires, but Fudge Grahams taste awesome, so fuck it.


**********************

Making Cereal: Snap, Crackle and Pop are best known for inventing Rice Krispies cereal. Legend has it they had a fourth brother named "Soggy," who died suspiciously the night before the cereal was unveiled in 1932. The three assailants were never found.

**********************

Shooting arrows into people: Lord of the Rings has taught us that when elves are not sending out joy in the form of toys, cereal and cookies, they are sending razor sharp arrows deep into the skulls of their enemies. A good rule of thumb is: Don't bother them, and they won't bother you. Elves are a lot like bees. (Who make cookies.)

**********************

Dentistry: In at least one documented case, an elf named Hermie left the toy biz to strike out on his own and become a practicing dentist. During his 2nd root canal he thought to himself, "This sucks." He was last seen crying somewhere near Santa's workshop.

Last month I dropped by the annual Elf Expo in Vegas, and I was pleasantly surprised to see them all at an autograph table. When they found out I was the guy who does The Sneeze they even took 10% off the price of a signed publicity photo. Elves may be cheap, but they still rock! Check it out!

Global Schoolyard Rhymes UPDATE #7

In this installment of obnoxious schoolyard rhymes from around the world, it seems that Jingle Bells is a popular target for kids everywhere. Here are 4 great ones from New Zealand, Brazil, Spain and The U.S - inspired by and sung to the tune of Jingle Bells (in their native language).

NEW ZEALAND

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Santa Claus is dead.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear,
Shot him in the head.

Barbie doll, Barbie doll,
Tried to save his life.
But a GI Joe from Mexico
Stabbed her with a knife

From: The children of New Zealand
(and Janice Ackerly)

...............................

BRAZIL

Jingle bells, jingle bells
acabou papel
não faz mal não faz mal
Limpa com jornal

O jornal é caro
Caro pra xuxú
Como eu fazer
para limpar meu...
Jingle bells, jingle bells

English Translation

Jingle bells, jingle bells
The toilet paper ran out.
No problem, wipe with the newspaper.

The newspaper is expensive.
Damned expensive!
What am I going to do to wipe my...
Jingle bells, jingle bells

Sent by: cbrayton

...............................

SPAIN (CATALAN)

Tinc un pèl, tinc un pèl,
tinc un pèl al cul,
jo en tinc dos, jo en tinc dos,
que és un més que tu.

English Translation:

Got a hair, got a hair,
Got a hair on my ass.
I've got two, I've got two,
And that's one more than you.

From: Trevor

...............................

AMERICA

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robing laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away

Sent by: me


Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

On The Corner of 5th and Who Eats It?

Happy Valentine's Day! Let us all rejoice in a celebration of love! Except for you people who say "Valentimes." You need to be put in a wood chipper.

That being said, why don't we talk about candy. One classic Valentine's Day tradition is the giving of candy. Many a lucky person will receive a heart-shaped box full of chocolates today, but few will receive a 5th Avenue candy bar. Do you know why? BECAUSE NOBODY EATS THEM.


5th Avenue - Street of Tears

I've been seeing this crappy brown wrapper and untempting name forever, but I've never had one. Neither have you. Okay, obviously someone somewhere is eating them, or they wouldn't keep making it. Initial reports indicate his name is Clive, and he is a sad and lonely man.

In candy gym class, 5th Avenue is the fat kid who gets picked last. If it was at all popular, it would be available in "fun" size. Did you ever once dump out your Halloween loot at the end of the night to find a 5th Avenue bar? You didn't. If you think you did, someone put crack in your Skittles, because you didn't.

To get to the bottom of this, I went ahead and bought my first and only one. The cute girl at the register played it very cool, but I have no doubt that inside she was thinking "Wait a minute. Nobody ever buys the 5th Avenue Bar!" Then she thought "This guy is a revolutionary! And, damn he's so hot, too. Look at his belly and sloppy Old Navy clothes. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with him. Now." Masking her lust by avoiding all eye contact with me, she handed over my change (erotically), and I left.

The wrapper says it's "chocolate and crunchy peanut butter." It sounded like a crunchy peanut butter cup to me, but do not be fooled. One bite let me know that it's a friggin' Butterfinger. Slightly less crispity. A tad less crunchity. But it's a Butterfinger, and they know it. End of story.

I was about to put the whole episode behind me when I thought -- this candy bar looks like it's been around since 1850. Could it be possible that Butterfinger (by Nestle) is a rip off of 5th Avenue (by Hershey)??? Perhaps it deserves some respect after all.

A quick poke around the internet showed that 5th Avenue came out in 1936. Butterfinger was introduced in 1923. Butterfinger came out first. The 5th Avenue bar is a loser no matter how you look at it. Crappy name, crappy wrapper, and it's a Butterfinger knock off.

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm going to let this slide. I'm also going to go easy on you Valentimes people. You may each have one 5th Avenue Bar. And then it's head first into the chipper.

(I love you, Bubbanut.
Happy Birthday, Kirker!)

A Hill of Beans

beansMy buddy Patrick writes the Buzz List over at excite.com. He recently vowed, quite publicly, that if Ashton Kutcher's new movie "The Butterfly Effect" made more than 40 million dollars in its first 4 weeks, he would eat nothing but baked beans for a month.

Patrick lost. Beanfest 2004 starts March 1st. I'll be interviewing him at some point to see how it's going.

Read about his Baked Beans Challenge here.

Toppings Wanted

| 89 Comments

I recently put up an old favorite called Freaky Franks. Click here to play with it.

At some point over the next few months I'd love to make Son of Freaky Franks, but that means at least 10 new toppings. A few I've been kicking around were: Pepto Bismol, Monopoly Pieces and Fire, but nothing is set in stone.

I'd love to hear your suggestions. (One thought: gross toppings are okay, but my personal favorites are anything that's visually interesting.) The comment board is NO LONGER OPEN. Thanks!

Global Schoolyard Rhymes - #6

The international collection of obnoxious kid rhymes rolls along with this hilarious triple-shot from Canada:

QUEBEC #1

C'est Martine
La pas fine
Qui a pissé dans ses bottines
Sur la rue Ste-Catherine
En bicycle en gasoline

English Translation:

It's Martine
who's not nice
who peed in her boots
on Saint Catherine Street
On her motorcycle

...............................

QUEBEC #2

Nous autres on est champions, champions
Eux autres sont champignons!

English Translation:

Us, we are champions, champions
Them, they are mushrooms!

...............................

QUEBEC #3

Nous les filles,
on a du coeur, du caractère, des beaux yeux clairs.
On a des belles jambes,
des belles cuisses,
on est 36-24-36,
Et pis quand les gars nous voient`
"Wow, viens-t'en icitte!"

Vous les gars,
vous êtes niaiseux, paresseux et prétentieux
Vous avez pas de belles jambes,
pas de belles cuisses,
vous avez pas 36-24-26
Et pis quand les filles vous voient,
"Ouache, vas-t'en d'icitte!"

English Translation:

Us girls,
We've got big hearts, personality, nice bright eyes
We have nice legs,
nice thighs,
we are 36-24-36
And when the guys see us,
"Wow, come here!"

You guys,
You are stupid, lazy and pretentious
You don't have nice legs,
nice thighs,
you are not 36-24-36
And when the girls see you
"Yuck, get out of here!"

Sent by Catherine and Chuck

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

See all the rhymes here.

Who's Ready For Some Space Fun?

JANE, GET THIS CRAZY THING OUT OF MY ASS

"Space" is really hot right now, and here's just one more reason it should be.

Recently, my buddy Pete gave me this great model of the Jetsons "Space Car." It comes fully-painted and snaps together in minutes.

For only 11 bucks, the attention to detail is pretty nice. I noticed that each character even comes with their own futuristic space asshole. (Just like they had in the cartoon.) Observe "Daughter Judy" gracefully displaying hers.

Eep Op Ork Ah Ah - That means nice A-hole

Simply locate the plastic space post sticking out of the car seat, and wedge it right on up there. This advanced technology provides a safe and secure ride, while eliminating the need for potentially uncomfortable seatbelts.

The future can't get here fast enough.

You can buy it here.

Steve, Don't Eat It! -- 1991 Urkel-Os

Years ago, my friend Lisa gave me an autographed box of Urkel-O's cereal. It is signed: "To Steve -- God Bless, Jaleel White." I don't know, but if I were God, I'm not sure I'd listen to Urkel. In fact, I think my Godly response might be something like, "Hey, fuck you, Urkel. Don't tell me who to bless."

Incidentally, I'm not the "Steve" it was signed for. Lisa found the box in a collectibles store, but that's okay. I don't mind being a second-hand Steve.

I had always been a little creeped out that the cereal was still in the box since 1991. But the Urkel-Os are now 14 years old, and I am no longer creeped out. I'm psyched, because I realized what I have in my possession is not just a box of old cereal (and possibly some larvae), but a chance to taste history.

This particular box of Urkel-O's is unique because it's some kind of weird sales sample, and has "marketing features and benefits" on the back. One of the "features" is actually listed as: Fun, circle-shaped product. I had no idea circles were so fun. At least now I know what to get the kids next Christmas. A fucking circle.

I'd also like to point out, that the cereal itself doesn't have a single thing to do with Urkel. It's just strawberry and banana flavored rings. If there was an episode where Urkel lost his virginity to a strawberry flavored ring, I missed it.

You'd think for a celebrity tie-in, they'd at least make half an effort to actually "tie" it in to something. Even if they just connected the loops together, I'd buy that they were supposed to be Urkel's glasses.

In fact, C3PO's cereal would have been a better Urkel-O's -- look at 'em. Come to think of it, what the hell were C3P0's supposed to be anyway? His eyes? That there is some jedi bullshit.

Well, it's cereal time, and I'm gonna go eat me a big ol' bowl of 1991...

********** **********


I'm back, and I'm not exactly sure how to say this, but... THE CEREAL IS STILL GOOD! I swear to God.

I'm a little freaked out. Should I call the Pope? This is a miracle, right? I mean, I used to think the idea of suspended animation and cryogenics was pretty cool, but the hell with that. If I die, don't freeze my brain -- just bury me in a box of Urkel-O's. Apparently it has the ability to stop time.

And what's even more ridiculous is the milk I used was only 2 days past the expiration date, and it tasted funkier than the cereal. (Which, by the way, was only 4,380 days past its expiration date.)

My wife doesn't like it when I eat potentially life-threatening stuff. I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she's just afraid to raise our children alone. What a baby. When I told her that the cereal was still good, she was amazed for a moment and then she said, "Good. Now you can throw it away."

Throw it away?! She's a loon. I told her I'm putting it right back in the box so I can try eating it again in six years when it turns 20.

It looks like this episode of Steve, Don't Eat It has a happy ending. Although, I am glad Urkel signed the box "God Bless." I may need it in heaven tonight, after I die from strawberry-flavored maggots hatching in my rectum.

(All Steve, Don't Eat It's can be found here.)

Global Schoolyard Rhymes #5

Here come some new kid rhymes from Slovenia, Spain, Israel, and New Zealand for the collection.

If you've got a good one, send it on in!

SLOVENIA
(Insert any name.
I used "Steve".)

(Steve) se pa joce,
kaj mu je?
hlacke ima polulane
sram ga je

English Translation:

(Steve) is crying
What's with him?
His pants are pissed,
He's ashamed

Sent by: Michael

...............................

NEW ZEALAND

Yum yum
piggy's bum
makes nice chewing gum

Sent by: John E.

...............................

SPAIN
(The Mallorcan dialect of Catalan)

Ton pare no té nas
ton pare no té nas
ta mare és xata
i es teu germà petit
i es teu germà petit
té es nas de rata.

English Translation:

Your father has no nose
your father has no nose
your mother's is flat
and your little brother
and your little brother
has the nose of a rat.

Sent by: noonless

...............................

ISRAEL

hatul hirben halech vekaka biadeicha!

English Translation:

A cat has shat on you,
and poo is in your hands!

Sent by: Grooveygravy

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

You can find the entire collection here.

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This page is an archive of entries from February 2004 listed from newest to oldest.

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