January 2004 Archives

The Giggles and Green Acres

In 1999, when I was still working for Nick at Nite in NY, I took a business trip with Lisa and Michael to L.A. We did a bunch of fun stuff which included interviewing some classic TV stars.

One of the first items on our list was to go to Eddie Albert's house. Mr. Albert was 94 at the time. He was a lovely, friendly man, and we had a great time talking to him. Just before we left, I asked Eddie for an autograph made out to "Steve."

Eddie was a little hard of hearing. "What was the name?" he asked.

"Steve," I said louder.

"What is it?!"

This wasn't the best time for me get the giggles, but that's just when the giggles like to strike. I wasn't trying to be a dick. I wasn't intentionally laughing at the old man who couldn't hear. I was just suddenly struck by how surreal the whole situation was. What the hell am I doing in Eddie Albert's house? Why am I yelling my name at him? Doesn't Mr. Haney sell hearing aids?! Life can get weird.

I didn't want to laugh right in this sweet man's face. I gave Lisa a look, choked back a giggle and stared down at the floor until she stepped in.

"Steve!" she yelled at Eddie. He still didn't understand, and asked her to spell it. After she shouted each letter, he repeated it back, and carefully wrote it down.





"No-- It's..."

Too late. He already wrote "C" on the paper. Lisa just pressed on as my stifled laughter seeped out in the form of an odd wheezing sound. They finished, and managed to spell the rest of my name correctly.

When he was done, Eddie looked at the paper and sounded it out. "Seeeve... well, why didn't you say so?!"

At this point, tears were rolling down my face and my stomach was starting to hurt. I eventually pulled myself together, we thanked Eddie and were on our way. The autograph is around somewhere in a box. One day when I find it, I will post it up here.

I have not had a case of the giggles that bad since then. Except for when my wife was in labor and started pushing the baby out. There is no Lamaze technique for when you find it hilarious that your wife's head is turning purple, and there's some freaky little guy sticking out of her.

I wasn't trying to be a dick. I wasn't intentionally laughing at the woman I love as she gave birth to our child. Okay, maybe a little bit.

Freaky Franks

A hundred years ago in 1996, I started a webzine with my buddies Patrick and Anthony. The site is no longer online but there was some great stuff there, so I thought I'd try to give some of it a little new life here on The Sneeze.

I'm starting off with one of my all-time favorites. It's a bizarre online toy called Freaky Franks that lets you build your own virtual hotdogs with cool toppings like Spaghetti-Os and Barbie Doll Heads.

Click here to play FREAKY FRANKS!

(And in case you're wondering if it was made with any Photoshop trickery, it wasn't. I really did take every picture like a dumbass in my dining room.)

Jessica Revisited REVISITED


Based on the 80 or so comments racked up on the last Jessica update, I think it's safe to say her online suitor pursuit has been picking up some steam.

You should definitely check out the comment board on that last post, there's some pretty funny and interesting things going on in there. You can find it here.

Global Schoolyard Rhyme Update #4

Here's a fresh batch of fantastic and quasi-disturbing kid rhymes from Russia, Holland and Germany!

If you've got a good one, send it on in!


1st person: Skazhi klay..
2nd person: klay
1st person: skooshay bahnochku soplay!

English Translation:

1st person: Say "glue"
2nd person: Glue
1st person: Eat a can of boogers

Sent by: Daniella



... (name) is gek
met een lepel in zijn bek
met een vork in zijn kont
zo loopt hij de wereld rond.

English Translation:

... (name) is crazy
with a spoon in his mouth
with a fork up his ass
that's how he walks around the world.

Sent by: Eliane



Eia popeia
Schlags Goeckele tot
Er legt keine Eier
Und frisst mir mein Brot

English Translation:

Aya popaya (nonsense)
Beat the rooster to death
He doesn't lay eggs
And he eats my bread

Sent by: Prensador

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

While we're on the subject, check out some of the many verses to the classic "Diarreah Song" as compiled by the mighty mighty retroCRUSH!

A Robot Painting is Born


It's hard to believe, but the robot painting is finished and actually in my possession. (Click on it for a better view.)

Eric did a truly incredible job. This blurry jpeg simply does it no justice. It's a masterpiece. After having watched it transform in pictures on my computer screen for so long, it was a weird experience to actually view the painting with my own eyes. It's bigger and even more impressive than I had ever expected. (Approx. 2 feet x 3 feet.)

I'd also like to add that not only has this project given birth to an amazing piece of art, it has allowed me to become friends with Eric, who is a truly good guy.

Eric has recently refurbished his website, and has lots of extremely high quality prints from his tin robot collection for sale there, including copies of this one!

Check it all out at www.ericjoyner.com.

You can follow along with every step of the painting right here.

Jessica Revisited


The Dainty Beast Herself

Regular visitors to The Sneeze may remember my friend Jessica, and her now infamous apology after forgetting my birthday.

Well, today is Jessica's birthday, and I have not forgotten! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA!

More importantly, she has asked me to let you guys know that she is somehow still available.

This year I would like my gift to Jessica to be a flesh and blood feller. So, come one, come all... step right up and try to win this little lady's heart. Who here is man enough to conquer the dainty beast known as JESSICA.

As we celebrate her birthday-- the anniversary of the very day she emerged from her mother's naughty place, test your skill and see if you might get into hers.

Email Jessica right here. Good luck!

Global Schoolyard Rhyme UPDATE #3

Here are some more outstanding obnoxious kid rhymes from Japan, Denmark and Israel!

If you've got a good one, send it on in!


(This is the english pronounciation of Hebrew.
I used "Steve," but any name can be substituted.)

Steve hashamen
babeten yesh lo ben.
Eich korim laben?
Steve hashamen!

English Translation:

Steve the fat guy,
within his stomach there's a child.
What's the child's name?
Steve the fat guy!

Sent by: GrooveyGravy



Lille kat, lille kat, lille kat på vejen
Hvis er du? Hvis er du?
Jeg er s'gu min ejen.

English Translation:

Little cat, little cat, little cat on the road
Who do you belong to? Who do you belong to?
I am very damn well my own.

Sent by: Laurie Z.



Tan-Tan-Tanuki no kintama wa
Kaze mo nai no ni
Bura bura bura

English Translation:

The Fox-Fox-Foxdog's testicles are
Despite there being no wind blowing,
Swaying, swaying, swaying.

Sent by: Jason

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

Better Off Dead - Dan "Ricky" Schneider

DVDBetter Off Dead has always been one of my favorite 80's movies. Actually, it's just one of my favorite movies, period. If you've never seen it, you've missed out on a weird, surreal, quotable and incredibly funny little gem that went somewhat under the radar.

It was written and directed by Savage Steve Holland and starred John Cusack in one of his earliest and funniest roles.

When it came out on DVD last year, I was disappointed that there weren't any extras on it -- in particular no commentary track. I wanted to do my part to preserve the history of this cult favorite, so I decided to talk to the people who brought it to life.

My first Better Off Dead interview is with actor turned Writer/Producer/Good Friend Dan Schneider who played John Cusack's bizarre and hilarious neighbor Ricky Smith.

Dan as Ricky

Global Schoolyard Rhyme UPDATE #2

Hey Guys, thanks for all the great obnoxious kid rhymes from around the world. Keep 'em coming! Here's 3 more for the Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project. I'll be posting more of them soon.

SOUTH AFRICA (Afrikaans)

Ek sien 'n skilpad op die pad
Ek tel hom op, hy maak my nat
Ek sit hom neer, hy doen dit weer
Die donner!

English Translation

I see a tortoise on the path
I pick him up, he pees on me
I put him down, he does it again
Damn it!



Ia sedgu na vishenke
Ne mogu nakushatsia
Diddia Lenin govorit
Nado mamu stushatsia

English Translation

I am sitting on a cherry tree
And can't eat enough cherries
Uncle Lenin says
I have to listen to my mother.



yimone jibe gattaga
amtak sutak jabasuh
gilume doong doong dounungut
na han sougal anuji
orrijibe wabara
soo soo padtuk anjuji

English Translation

When I went to my aunt's house
they slaughtered a rooster and a hen
and cooked them in an oily broth
but they didn't give me even one spoonful
Well, when you come to my home
I wont give you any rice cake!

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation



I've been seeing this advertisement around town for the new Chicken McNuggets.

They must be really good, or somebody might want to call Social Services. This woman seems to be saying she loves them as much as she loves her own children.

Or, as David pointed out, she loves eating Chicken McNuggets as much as she loves eating her children, in which case somebody REALLY needs to call Social Services.

Probe on Mars, Let's Eat a Pig!

We have successfully landed another probe on Mars.

How cool are humans?

Not only were we able to figure out there are other planets out there, we also somehow figured out how to shoot stuff up into the sky and land on them.

Do you realize how crazy that is?

Humans rock!

You don't see cows doing anything like this. Chickens haven't even figured out how to fly well, let alone invent a rocket ship.

This is the very reason they should be dinner.

The day the pigs land on the moon, I will stop chewing upon them. Until then, bring on the bacon.

USA #1!
BACON #1!!!


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