July 9, 2003

My Golden Years

Any good financial advisor will tell you that you’re never too young to have a sound retirement plan. I couldn’t agree more. Here’s mine: On my 70th birthday, I start shooting heroin. Right there at the party. Next to the cake.

This may sound a tad extreme, but I’ve learned two things from watching VH1’s "Behind the Music":

1) Heroin ruins everything. Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

2) Heroin must be pretty awesome. Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

Right now, I'm a clean-cut nerd with responsibilities. I have a house and a family to support. That's why I'm just going to ruin the end of my life. So, while all my wrinkly-ass friends are buying Craftmatic beds and trying to remember their names, Grandpappy Steve’s gonna be shooting junk. I’m going to be a withered mad man with liver spots and track marks.

In fact, when I hit 70 I may go crazy altogether-- get tattoos on my face, sleep with whores and finally have the balls to curse out those women who write checks in the express lane at the supermarket. It's gonna be great.

Plan for the future, kids. It's important!



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Posted by Steven | Archive