September 24, 2003

Excrementally Yours

diapersWith the recent arrival of "Baboo," I have been reminded of the joys of baby poop.

During the first few days of a baby's life, he or she will take a special kind of dump reserved only for newborns. It's an oozy, black substance known as Meconium. That is a very important sounding name for "Baby's First Shit." MECONIUM! It's almost like an element on the periodic table. (It isn't. I checked with my wife and she's a science teacher.) If they ever do decide to include it in the periodic table, I would suggest the symbol: Ew.

In a few days the meconium subsides, making way for "Breast Milk Baby Poop". They don't have a fancy name for that yet. (I was thinking either "Stankium" or perhaps "Skidmarkogen".)

Unlike the black, viscous Meconium, this stuff looks disturbingly like mustard. Take it from me, it is NOT really mustard. If you somehow feel that it does smell like mustard, I strongly suggest you get yourself some new mustard.

While Breast Milk Baby Poop doesn't smell great, I can deal with it. It's more funky than gross. It smells kind of like sweetened ass. Not nearly as offensive as the unholy stench your precious child will unleash after the switch to solid food. I'm not looking forward to it.

By the way, the American Heritage dictionary defines "Meconium" as: A dark green fecal material that accumulates in the fetal intestines and is discharged at or near the time of birth. They also say it is Latin for poppy juice.

I just sent the following email to the American Heritage Dictionary people...
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SUBJECT: TYPO IN AMERICAN-HERITAGE DICTIONARY

Dear Sirs,

I was researching the word "meconium" and found the following definition:

"...A dark green fecal material that accumulates in the fetal intestines and is discharged at or near the time of birth. Latin mconium, poppy juice, from Greek mkonion,..."

I believe there is a typo in the Latin translation of the word. Should it not read "poopy juice?"

Please let me know.

Sincerely,
Steve

P.S. Do you offer any type of reward when people catch typos?



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