December 14, 2003
While my wife was pregnant, we gave my 3-year-old a baby doll to get him accustomed to having a new little brother around.
The other night we overheard him in his room talking to the doll. He said "What's wrong, baby? Are you hungry? I'll feed you baby." It was adorable.
Adorable until he proceeded to pull up his shirt and slap the doll's face onto his own nipple. It quickly proceeded to hysterical.
He looked up at us and quite sincerely said, "I'm feeding the baby my milk."
Oh wait, I almost forgot about this part: I thought it was kinda weird, but I noticed that milk was actually coming out my son. Naturally I found that a bit disconcerting, so I was like, "Hey! Stop breastfeeding that doll right now! You're a three year old little boy!"
He looked up and said "No, Daddy. You stop it." Then he pointed his little nipple at me and the fucker squirted me right in the eye!
I cleverly quipped "Oh, yeah?! Suck on this, you little bastard," as I grabbed his mom's breast and blasted the boy back into his room with my own weapon of milky destruction. It was very much "on." Man's inhumanity to... the son of that man.
The boy may have had youth on his side, but all my years of playing that carnival game where you spray water in the clown's mouth to pop the balloon were finally paying off. (I knew they would.)
It was a ruthless battle that went on until daybreak. The boy, the house, and I were all completely drenched in breastmilk, sweat and tears.
Too tired to fight anymore, and too stubborn to stop, we just glared at each other as we tried to catch our breath. And eventually that glare melted into laughter. The boy wiped a big droplet of milk from his eye and said "Daddy, you know none of this crap actually happened after I said that line about feeding the baby my milk."
"I know, son. It's called embellishment. Someday you'll have your own blog and you'll understand. And don't say "crap." It's a naughty word."
"Well, your embellishment was dumb."
"What do you know from dumb?! You tried to breastfeed a fucking doll with your little boy nipple."
"Touche, Daddy. Touche."
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