November 15, 2003

Ask The Old

The old are all around us. They're in parks, doctor's offices and retirement homes. At this very moment, thousands are on buses to Atlantic City, and Florida is lousy with them.

The weird thing is, they used to be young. I swear to God.

I know it's hard to believe, but odds are you will one day join their ranks. One day that will be you hobbling around, with fake teeth in your head and your rotten grandchildren gunning for the inheritance.

Wouldn't it be nice to know what to expect, instead of getting caught with your pants down around your sagging, leathery ankles? I decided to find out.

I started my information gathering on getting old with my Aunt Carol. She's 75. So come on along as I ASK THE OLD...

1. When I was 17, people in their 30s seemed ancient to me, but now I magically find them attractive. Do you always find people your own age attractive?

Let's put it this way, I could never date an older man -- someone my age. They have pot bellies. They're unkempt. Once in awhile you'll get a person like me-- I don't look my age, but a woman can camouflage her age with makeup and get away with it.

If a man is past 70 they look it. I could never go out with that guy. I see them as old. They haven't got a chance with me unless they got money and one foot in the grave. (LAUGHS)

So what's the cut-off?

I actually would go for a 50 year old man.

2. People are always saying as you age, "this is the first thing to go," or "that is the first thing to go." What really is the first thing to go?

I think as you get older, right now my eyes are going, my hearing is going, the memory isn't as sharp. It started in the 70s. It's a mental block with me. I started to really concentrate on am I seeing good and hearing good.

But which one is it?

I'll have to say sex.

3. As you get older, is farting still funny?
No. My father would eat at the supper table, and he would do two things. He would lean over and he would let that out while we were eating. And we would also wait for him to burp. With my father I guess I laughed, but that's it. I don't find it funny.

So you're telling me if I ripped one right now, you wouldn't laugh?

Okay, I'd laugh at that.

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Posted by Steven | Archive