December 2003 Archives

Global Schoolyard Rhyme Project

Here's the first three to start the ball rolling...

UNITED STATES

Baby, baby
Stick your head in gravy
Wash it out with bubble gum
and send it to the Navy

.........................................

SOUTH AFRICA

Yum yum bubble gum
Stick your finger up your bum
If it's nice, lick it twice
Yum yum bubble gum

.........................................

DENMARK

Hvis og hvis min røv var spids
og fuld af limonade,
så måtte du min ven slikke
den til ballerne blev flade

English Translation

If or if not my butt was pointy
and filled with lemonade,
then you my friends could lick it
until my buttocks were flat

Do you have a great obnoxious kid rhyme from outside the U.S.?
Send it here for the next update!
Just be sure to include:
1) The rhyme's originating country
2) The rhyme in the original language
3) The direct english translation

Insane Holiday Gift Guide

I have put together The Sneeze Holiday Gift Guide to help you find ideal presents for your loved ones, while sending a little extra dough my way at the same time.

This site participates in Amazon's "Associates Program." This means that everytime you click on a link to Amazon from The Sneeze and buy something, I get a small percentage of that sale. It's a great way to help offset the cost of running this site.

So just in time for the holidays I have hand-picked an assortment of fancy gifts to cater to any budget. From a useful $285,000 Yvel Pearl Necklace, all the way down to a $3400 Boneless Rib Roast for even the cheapest, most miserly bastards amongst you.

Enjoy this guide and consider it my holiday gift unto you!

It's easy to lose sight of what's important during the holiday season, so try your best to keep in mind that if just one of you people buys just one thing off this list, my Christmas is set.

Click here now for The Sneeze Holiday Gift Guide.

Hey-- It looks like Amazon lets you rate lists like these. If you like, it sure would be sweet of you to give it as many stars as you can afford.

Project Green Paint: Phase 6

Spectatorbots

almost thereThe end is in sight!

The lovely and talented Eric Joyner has completed all the spectator robots in the audience. All that's left are our two stars. I can't wait!

Click on thumbnail at right for larger image.

I was also happy to see they still make the original toy!

All phases of the painting from the initial idea until now can be found right here.

Battle of the Miser Bros.

America's 3rd favorite stocking stuffer, Rob from RetroCRUSH, has posed the ultimate yuletide question. Who was the greatest Miser Brother from the Rankin Bass holiday classic "The Year Without A Santa Claus".

Check out the article and take the poll right here!

Go Heat Miser!

Cilantro: Herb of Emotion

Cilantro Cilantro, or "Chinese Parsley" are the leaves of the Coriander plant. This herb is known for its pungent flavor, and is often used in Latino, Asian and Caribbean cooking.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of gray area when it comes to people's feelings about cilantro. They either completely love it, and think it's one of the best things they've ever tasted, or they violently hate it. I wonder if there isn't some genetic component involved, making it taste great to some, and horrible to others.

Personally, I don't see the need to get so whipped up about cilantro. Love it or hate it, it's just a plant. Who cares?

Just because I happen to realize it is one of the greatest herbs of all time really doesn't matter. I mean, just because I love it so much I want it to be my secret mistress and make sordid love to it a few times a week, and start paying its rent so it won't tell my wife is really not a big deal. Seriously, there's no need to get so fucking emotional about it! Everyone just needs to relax. There are more important things to worry about.

But people are funny. I've seen them actually get angry in describing how much they despise it. They say it tastes like soap, or burning rubber. There is a French culinary term for those people. If I remember correctly it's L'Dickheads.

But that's the beauty of the culinary world. That's why they make chocolate and vanilla. Arguing about it is silly because there's always something for everyone. Even for the people who are just too stupid to realize what's fucking yummy.

Brother's Milk

While my wife was pregnant, we gave my 3-year-old a baby doll to get him accustomed to having a new little brother around.

The other night we overheard him in his room talking to the doll. He said "What's wrong, baby? Are you hungry? I'll feed you baby." It was adorable.

Adorable until he proceeded to pull up his shirt and slap the doll's face onto his own nipple. It quickly proceeded to hysterical.

He looked up at us and quite sincerely said, "I'm feeding the baby my milk."

Hilarious.

Oh wait, I almost forgot about this part: I thought it was kinda weird, but I noticed that milk was actually coming out my son. Naturally I found that a bit disconcerting, so I was like, "Hey! Stop breastfeeding that doll right now! You're a three year old little boy!"

He looked up and said "No, Daddy. You stop it." Then he pointed his little nipple at me and the fucker squirted me right in the eye!

I cleverly quipped "Oh, yeah?! Suck on this, you little bastard," as I grabbed his mom's breast and blasted the boy back into his room with my own weapon of milky destruction. It was very much "on." Man's inhumanity to... the son of that man.

The boy may have had youth on his side, but all my years of playing that carnival game where you spray water in the clown's mouth to pop the balloon were finally paying off. (I knew they would.)

It was a ruthless battle that went on until daybreak. The boy, the house, and I were all completely drenched in breastmilk, sweat and tears.

Too tired to fight anymore, and too stubborn to stop, we just glared at each other as we tried to catch our breath. And eventually that glare melted into laughter. The boy wiped a big droplet of milk from his eye and said "Daddy, you know none of this crap actually happened after I said that line about feeding the baby my milk."

"I know, son. It's called embellishment. Someday you'll have your own blog and you'll understand. And don't say "crap." It's a naughty word."

"Well, your embellishment was dumb."

"What do you know from dumb?! You tried to breastfeed a fucking doll with your little boy nipple."

"Touche, Daddy. Touche."

Project Green Paint: Phase 5

backgroundClick for a larger view

Here's a mini-update on the Rock 'Em Sock 'Em painting.

Eric has filled in the smoky atmosphere, the ring, and the robots in the background. He'll tackle the robots in the foreground next.

All phases of the painting can be found here.

Screw You Solid Cheese

Imagine a world...

Where the cheese is forever flowing...

Where the gouda is gooey...

Where the fontina always flows...

A world that exists only to melt cheese is the stuff of dreams...

And sometimes dreams come true...

For it is today that I give you...

Cheese Melter World


(thanks wendy)

Project Green Paint: Phase 4

Red Rocker

Wow! The Underpainting phase is complete.

underpaintingThis is where Eric establishes the overall values of the painting in acrylic before he finishes the painting in oils. The image may change some during the oil painting stage, which is next.

The whole thing just keeps looking better and better. You can click on the small image to the right to see a larger picture.

As per my wife's request, a pantented Joyner donut has been subtly placed in the hands of a hungry robot in the back of the arena.

Check out Eric's site right here, where you can see all of his cool toy robot paintings, his non-robot paintings, and buy hiqh-quality prints. You can also read a nice interview with Eric here!

All phases of Project Green Paint can be found here.

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This page is an archive of entries from December 2003 listed from newest to oldest.

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