August 2003 Archives

An Open Letter To My Nemesis

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08/29/2003

The Woman Who Took Forever To Pay With A Check
Ralph's Supermarket
Alameda Ave, Burbank CA

Dear Madam:

HOLY FUCKING SHITFUCK! IT'S 2003!!! GET A CREDIT CARD! HERE! TAKE MINE! AAHHHRRRGHHHH!!!

Wait. Why do I smell toast? Uh oh...

having... stroke....

unghhhh.....qid98fik;f09jsdl.........

(THUD)

Sincerely,
Steve
Heaven

Where Are They Now: The Schoolyard

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SeesawI can't say exactly why, but for the last year or so I have found myself obsessed with searching through the internet trying to find kids I knew from childhood.

My friend Jessica says it's because I'm in a new stage in life with a house and kids, so the past seems that much more alluring and safe. Sometimes she says smart things. Don't be that impressed though. The rest of the time she makes fart noises and teaches my son to say things like "doody-bomb."

A few people I have found have gone on to lead some interesting lives. So without further delay, I present to you now... Grade School Acquaintance #1: Henry Camus.

I didn't know Henry too well, we weren't good friends, but he seemed like a nice enough guy. I'm sure he doesn't remember me at all, since I distinctly remember playing at his house only one time. But I do remember this-- We were looking for something to do, and at that time there was this awesome toy out called a VertiBird. It was a little helicopter with a working propeller, that actually flew in circles and up and down. Amazingly cool, and he had one.

I clearly remember the following exchange:
Me: "What do you want to do?"
Henry: "Well, we can play Junior Scrabble, or you can watch me play with my VertiBird."

Oh... may I??? That might be a clue why I only played there once.

So, where is he now? I Googled Henry and found out he is part of a European, self-described "ACTION-COMEDY DUO." It looks like they play music, juggle, and do acrobatics. Pretty crazy.

His website says: "The unlikely mix of naughty New York glamour and Swiss country-side naivete generates a gripping performance which holds the audience spellbound." Who did they get to write that copy? Winchester from MASH?

So there you have it. Henry, if you're reading this, I'd like you to know I've made my decision... The idea of spelling for points always seemed pretty lame, so I'd imagine a Junior Scrabble version of it can only be lamer. Therefore, I guess I'll watch you play with your VertiBird. When can I come over?

(You can see Henry here. He's the dude hanging from the pole on the left.)

What Wrong Is With A-Holes Those?

The other day I saw this blurb from the National Enquirer:

"Pirates" star overcomes dyslexia "I was called stupid a lot ... I'm dyslexic," reveals hubba-hubba "Pirates of the Caribbean" star Keira Knightley. "I was writing numbers back to front -- and couldn't read a word. But I became determined to read and write . . . to figure out ways around it. Right now, I'm fine." (Keira, winner you are a!)

Wait... "Keira, winner you are a!"???

They're publicly making fun of someone trying to overcome dyslexia? Damn. Maybe The National Enquirer isn't the respected establishment I had believed it to be.

I did do a little fact-checking, and at least the rest of the story does check out. She is, in fact, hubba-hubba.

An Ideal Book

ideal

"An Ideal Boy: Charts From India" is a truly remarkable coffee table book. It features tons of surreal, illustrated Indian charts originally intended as educational material. There is a refreshing sincerity to their cheesy quality. (I do not care for forced cheese.)

These charts are common in India and cover an insane array of subjects from religion, to hygiene, to proper social behavior. (Click on the chart to the left for a larger image.)

I've included a few sections of an actual "First Aid" chart below. Some of the illustrations in this book can be downright baffling, but lucky for you, you have me. Since this particular chart has no words, I've taken the opportunity to help interpret the pictures for you.

First Aid

Pills
"When treating an overdose victim, don't forget to take their wallet before stealing the pills and running away."

Eyeball
"A sharp stone can be very effective in removing an irritated eye."

Sponge Bath
"If your friend sustains a leg injury, remember you must FIRST give him a sponge bath, THEN weep in shame. This is the proper order."

Sneeze Challenge: If you are a parent or guardian of a young child, Click here to buy this book. Then raise your child solely by the teachings of the charts. (I will do the same.) In 18 years time, we can compare children to see whose is the most ideal!

Feel The Burns

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A new album came out last week, and I like it a lot. It's called Songs For Dustmites by Steve Burns.

Steve Burns was "Steve" on Blue's Clues. Unfortunately, I think that fact may have a lot of people wanting to not like this album before they even hear it (which, of course, is weak sauce). I happen to be on the other end of the spectrum. While I was working at Nickelodeon in New York, I met Steve a few times and he was always a very good guy.

In fact, the first time I ever met him was Halloween 1998 when my boss and I came to work dressed as Steve and Blue. It's a little awkward meeting someone for the first time when you are dressed like them for Halloween, but he was cool about it. Steve thought it was funny and told me I looked great. He then said he was going to sue me. (He was kidding.)

That was a great day. I was even able to borrow his actual shirt from the show for my costume. I looked enough like the real Steve that day that a few people in the building actually thought I was him.

But back to Steve's new album: I'm not going to waste your time with a pointless music review. I can't tell you how many times I've been suckered in by an in depth review that convinced me I was going to want to mate with an album and make CD babies, only to end up blowing my money on 12 tracks of crap. I will simply tell you that I think it's awesome.

Steve Burns pranced around like a goof in a green shirt for 6 years just to make the children of this great nation happy. The least you can do is give his album a listen with an open ear. I think there is an excellent chance you are going to be very pleasantly surprised.

You can hear the entire album at www.steveswebpage.com.

NutraSWEET JESUS

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NutraI was hanging out in Starbucks yesterday morning, being the guy with the laptop in Starbucks, and I saw a woman take out a small tupperware container of fruit and yogurt that she had brought from home. She proceeded to tear open a few packets of Equal and sprinkle them on top.

She reached into her purse, took out more packets of Equal, and dumped them on, too. And then more Equal. And then some more. I was getting brain cancer just watching her. I guess she noticed me staring because she said, "I'm sorry. I know. It's terrible. I'm addicted."

I said, "I know it's none of my business, but now that we're talking about it -- can you tell me just how many packets you put on there?"

She took more than a moment to count all the empties in her lap. When she was done, she looked up and gave me the total:

30 PACKETS!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap AND shit. She put 30 packets of Equal in this little container of fruit and yogurt. Then she said, "I know it's a lot, but the good news is I've given up sugar. I'm really proud of that." I'm proud I didn't yuke on my laptop.

Thespian. Visionary. Maid.

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Ann B.Let's think for a moment of some male celebrities that have put their middle initial into play. It's not too hard:
Michael J. Fox, Craig T. Nelson, Jm J. Bullock, Alfred E. Neuman, Bullwinkle J. Moose, Chuck E. Cheeze -- the list is long and impressive. (Just like me, ladies. But i digress.)

Okay, now let's think of all the female celebrities that have done it: Ann B. Davis.

That's it. Friggin' Alice from the Brady Bunch. God, she's awesome.

And you thought all she did was cook pot roast and not get married to Sam. Well, sorely mistaken were you, because Ann B. Davis is a revolutionary!

There are plenty of fine women who go by three names: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sara Jessica Parker, and there might be a few floating around using two initials like J. K. Rowling, but that's not the same thing. (Besides all she did is write some books anyway, and everyone knows reading is for losers.)

Women of the world! Step up to the plate and unleash your middle initials! Dare to follow in the footsteps of Alice the Maid!

Now, Ann B. Davis might tell you that the B stands for "Bradford." But if you ask me, it stands for "Brave." And also "Bold." (Okay, and maybe a little "Butch.") But for the most part it stands for "Brave."

Ford v. Fonz UPDATE

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On July 4th I posted the story of how when I was a kid I wrote an angry letter to President Gerald Ford for pre-empting Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley to give a State of the Union Address.

Well, my folks just sent me a bunch of boxes that had been in storage. Included among the ton of fun stuff in these boxes was the actual White House response letter I had received. I scanned it last night. Click here to check it out.

I wonder if good ol' Roland is still around. I should try to track him down.

--Here is the original "Ford V. Fonz" post--

Happy July 4th! In honor of this fine Independence Day, I thought I'd tell you of the time President Gerald Ford totally F'd me over.

I'm an only child. When I was a kid, television meant A LOT to me. It was all I had. One particular Tuesday night in the mid-70's, my parents went out and left me at a babysitter's house. I didn't want to be there at all, but at least I could still watch my shows, because back then I was ALL about Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley. Oh, yes. The hour of power. Everything was going fine until disaster struck. President Ford came on to give a State of The Union address right before Happy Days was about to start. What a dick!

And if that wasn't bad enough, this was before cable TV, so he was on EVERY CHANNEL. I was so upset I sat down and dashed off an angry letter to the President about what he had done. (Well, as angry as shaky block letters in pencil on wide-ruled paper can be.)

Some time went by, and I actually got a response back from the White House. It was from an aide to the President. He apologized to me and explained that it wasn't the President, but the networks themselves who donated the air time. Whatever.

I suppose it was nice that they even wrote back, but I'd just like to point out that during the next election, President Ford lost in a landslide to Jimmy Carter. I'm not saying it's because he pre-empted Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley. I'm just saying when it came time, no one voted for him. Draw your own conclusions.

A few years ago when I was working for Nick at Nite I actually got to tell this story to Cindy Williams, Michael McKean, and David Lander (Shirley, Lenny & Squiggy). They were all very cool, and really interested in hearing it. Or at least they pretended to be. And isn't that the type of moral fiber this great country was founded upon? I don't know what that means. I'm just looking for a patriotic way to end this. USA #1!

Chef Poopypants

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Here is a sign that my three-year-old might be watching a little too much Good Eats on the Food Network. I walked into the living room the other day to see my son tying a string around his fire truck and trying to cut it with Play-doh scissors.

Me: "What are you doing?"

The Boy: "I'm making a nice roulade."

Okay. In case you don't know what that means, let me clear it up for you.

roulade: (rü-'läd) noun: a slice of usually stuffed meat that is rolled, tied, and then cooked

my son: (mI sun) noun: a very cute little freak

I actually do think it's cool that he likes the show so much. Now if I could only convince him that boogers are not good eats, we'd be set.

Mmm... A Steaming Pile Of Candy

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Hey, who wants a Mountain Bar? NOW WITH 10% MORE PIECES OF CORN!

Okay, there's no corn in it, but there might as well be. The website says the candy bar is supposed to look like Mt. Ranier. Note to self: Cancel trip to Mt. Ranier.

Here are a couple of slogans the Mountain Bar people can have. (Generously free of charge, as usual.) "Looking for the perfect candy? You just stepped in it!" If they don't like that, then how about: "Mountain Bar: We're #2!"

An Open Letter To My Hair

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Dear Hair,

Hey! How are you? Everything's good down here.

I've been pretty busy at work, but it's fun. The boys are growing up so fast you'd hardly recognize them. Oh, and my folks will be out visiting us soon, so that'll be nice. You'll have to forgive me if you already knew this stuff, but I figured you might not be up to date since you're too busy slowly falling out my fucking head you ungrateful assholes.

I just don't get it. We've been together for as long as I can remember. How can you just throw that all away?! I washed you. I patted you dry. I took you to expensive salons. But I guess that wasn't good enough, was it? Where did it all go wrong? Just tell me, and I'll fix it. I can change, I swear!

Honestly, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore. Do you really think a life down the drain or stuck in some brush is going to be better than what you have with me in my scalp??? I promise you, it won't be.

But if that's the way you want it, then fine. But don't come growing back someday and expect it to be like the old days, because I can't wait for you forever.

Listen, Hair. As hard as this is, I do wish you the best. I'm going to miss you a lot, and I will always deeply cherish the times we shared together.

I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Love,
Steve

P.S. Go fuck yourself.

Ginger or Maryann OR...?

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As long as Gilligan's Island has been on the air, men have asked themselves the difficult question: "Ginger or Maryann?"

It's a valid question, and one that requires careful thought, but I say: WHAT ABOUT LOVIE?! Holy crap, poor Lovie! Totally ignored. Not even on the ballot. I don't care how rich she is, that can't feel good.

So, I'm officially going on the record to say, "I'll bang Lovie." I know she's old, but what the hell.

"But Steve?! How could you do that?!"

Well, I'd like to think Lovie would: A) Be appreciative. And more importantly, B) Put me in the will (or at the very least, be my sugarmama).

Sure she's married, but I think Thurston's too busy counting his money and too old to care. Hey, at least I'm not a Yale Man. Egad!

In our celebration of youth in this country, the elderly are so often just cast aside. Consider this my way of giving something back to our silver seniors. It's the least I can do. (Actually, I'll just dim the lights in our hut and pretend it's Maryann.)

You can learn more about Ginger and Maryann at your local public library, and at retroCRUSH!

Bacon: Gift From Above

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In contrast to the horrors of the Curry Cashew Mojo Bar, I'd like to talk to you for a moment about bacon.

Holy Christ, how I love it. You've heard people call raisins "Nature's Candy"? Nope. They're wrong. It's bacon.

And the finest bacon I have ever had is from Nueske's. At 10 bucks a pound, not including shipping, it better be fine.

I must admit, sometimes I feel guilty and wonder if eating meat is wrong. I know some people won't eat anything with a face, and I can understand that. But in the case of bacon, I think even the staunchest vegetarian would agree: any animal that tastes that good, pretty much deserves to die.

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