Over the weekend Lux (age 9) and I had a blast on Twitter. We were just talking and for some reason he told me he had the ability to "answer any question." I jumped on Twitter and announced that Lux was with me and would answer anybody's questions. Within minutes they flooded in.

As fun as it was for us, I don't think Twitter was the ideal forum because even if you follow me there, I'm sure it wasn't easy to see the original questions we were answering without lots of clicking around after the answers had been made.

So here's a quick round-up of some of my favorite Qs and As from the event.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
@MaxKind A woodchuck could chuck ten thousand.

Who is the best superhero?
@princeofcats The best superhero is SuperMe. Or maybe Iron Man.

Why does my cat's poop smell SOOOO BAD? Like, worse than any other smell I've ever smelled.
@MCheeken If the cat looks ugly or smells ugly or even meow's ugly - then it must poop ugly.

Where does gravity come from?
@princeofcats Gravity comes from the people inside the ground where they stick their little invisible fingers out and keep us on the floor.

what do women want? Maybe Lux can answer this age-old question...
@lisalisa29 Q: What do women want? A: A boyfriend! One with a nice, tender, big, round, cuddly, loveable, squeezeable... coconut!!!!

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
@DarthAlbertIII "The world may never know! But my guess is 1...2...3... CHOMP! I saw the commercial. It's got an owl and some kid."

My Kids favorite is "What was the name of the first person?"
@KI6BJV "Adam was the first male ever created. Eve was the first female. The third guy was Bob."

What's the average land speed of a caveman?
@Gimpolo "The average land speed of a caveman? Forming a riot and then running at googolplex miles per hour."

Ask lux "how many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a man"
@bfett82 "The average age of a man is 20 so he'd have to walk for 20 years down 20 roads to officially become a man."

In a fight between Santa and Bigfoot, who would win?
@LateFines "I don't really know. Bigfoot is super powerful, but Santa Claus has the Force."

How about "How do bees make honey?"
@tiffanyrfox "Bees just squirt the honey through their butts. It's that simple."

Q: What am I thinking right now?
@GAJesus "You're thinking of having triplets, flying to the moon and meeting aliens."

What do you think of people with purple hair?
@thraeryn "I think people with purple hair are freaky. They belong on planet Mars. Then again, I know they think it's fashionable."

What's the airspeed velocity of a unladen swallow?
@TutTheMummy "I'm gonna say 10 or 20 birdmiles per hour."

What is the secret to life, the universe and everything?
@PaigeMeekison "Everybody is here to be themselves. And mostly play video games."

We'll definitely do it again sometime. Hopefully we can figure out a better user experience for everyone. (Email me any suggestions.)

I'm @thesneeze on Twitter. Here's my Twitter page: http://www.twitter.com/thesneeze.

Some of you may follow me on Twitter. If not, you can find me here. (You might as well. I have no reason to believe Twitter won't be around and popular forever. Unlike Friendster and Napster which were awesomely cool until we realized we were tricked and they weren't.)

Anyway, last week I noticed "Britain's Got Talent" singer, Susan Boyle, had been in the "Trending Topics" list on Twitter for awhile - so I tweeted a joke about her. I wrote: "I'm not saying Susan Boyle causes swine flu. I'm just saying nobody had swine flu, she sang on TV, people got swine flu."

It was a perfectly fine comedy joke. I noticed within a few hours it was "re-tweeted" (forwarded) a bunch of times on Twitter. (And I'd like to be clear that the only reason I even noticed it was retweeted like that was because I relentlessly clicked the button that showed me all the retweets to feed my pathetic ego. And it was like a 120 times. But whatever. I don't care.)

A few days later a reader sent me an email with the subject line "YOU MAY HAVE CAUSED A PROBLEM." Inside it read "And it's funnier than ever." They also included a link to this article from a British newspaper.

It seems a Junior Minister in the Britain's Labor Party is on Twitter -- and he retweeted the joke. Only it wasn't met with too many LOLs.

According to the article, "Tories were horrified" and "fellow Labour MPs were aghast. 'It's infantile, isn't it,' one says. 'Hasn't he got enough to do?'"

My initial reaction was "No! I'm the infantile one! I'm the one who doesn't have enough to do!" But then I thought, this disease really is spreading all over the place and actually killing people -- so I think I'm cool with sharing credit on it.

The Junior Minister later pulled the post off Twitter and apologized saying "Earlier I repeated a joke that was in poor taste, which I now regret. I apologise wholeheartedly for any distress or embarrassment caused."

For what it's worth bro, I forgive you.

The episode was also mentioned in this Telegraph article about Worst Tweets.

See, that was always the problem with Friendster. Way too difficult to horrify Tories.

I met my buddy, Kirker, about 7 years ago and pretty early on I learned he was from Kentucky. My initial response was something charming like, "What actually happens there? That's like one of those states that doesn't really have anything going on, right?"

Kirker immediately defended Kentucky touting bourbon-making, the Kentucky derby, etc.

I said, "Fine. We'll go to the Kentucky tourism website. If there's a picture of hot air balloons within ONE CLICK, you're giving me a hand-job." (This, of course, based on my scientific theory that when a state has nothing going on it shows pictures of hot air balloons. Coupled with my theory that it's funny to bet hand-jobs with people you just met.)

Not only was I right, I didn't even have to click. There were hot air balloons right on the homepage. Thanks, Kentucky! If I could, I'd buy you all a new banjo. (And Kirker, you still owe me that hand-job.)

What's nice about this theory is that as states update their tourism websites, they can fall in and out of suckfullness. So while Kentucky isn't one click away from hot air balloons right now, here are a few states that are currently shitty:

* * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

And wipe that smirk off your face, Michigan. Your fireworks impress no one.

(Following The Sneeze on Twitter enhances breast and penis size!)

You are cordially invited to pop on over to Twitter and join me.

It's like a cute little Sneeze baby.

http://www.twitter.com/thesneeze

I enjoy fine art. So I didn't mind the other night when I was helping Raisins get into his pajamas and I noticed a face drawn on his ass in magic marker.

I wasn't sure who did it, but I assumed it was his older brother, Lux. (I would include a picture of the masterpiece, but I feel like that could get me arrested, so as you'll see, I have included a police sketch.)

I have no doubt in this situation I was supposed to be serious and talk to him about how his body is private and how you're not supposed to do this kind of thing, but all I could really do was laugh in his face.

Over the past few days, neither Raisins (age 5) nor Lux (age 9) would give me a straight answer as to who the ass-graffiti artist was, so I interrogated them both individually, beginning with Lux...

Do you like to draw?

Yes.

Are you a good artist?

Yes.

And what do you like to draw with?

Pencils, markers, paint brushes, crayons...

Markers, interesting. Recently there was a drawing on your brother's behind.

I didn't draw it.

Who drew it?

He did!

What's it a drawing of?

A face.

What color is the face?

Purple.

What was it drawn with?

A marker.

Interesting! Did you see him draw it?

No.

Is this the face you're talking about?

Hahaha. Yes. Did you draw that?

I'll ask the questions. And whose idea was it to draw the face on your brother's behind?

His.

Do you happen to have any drawings on your own body?

Yes...

Oh, really?! And what would that be?

I call him "Mr. Tummy."

INTERESTING. And who drew Mr. Tummy?

I did.

So, lately you've been drawing on yourself and there's a face on your brother's butt, but you had nothing to do with it?

I swear one million percent, I don't remember drawing on my little brother's behind.

And who do you think did it?

Himself!

What did you think of the drawing?

I thought it was funny.

Why?

Because it was on his butt! And usually butts don't have faces.

Where do you think he got the idea?

I gave him the idea.

You told him to do it?

I said "Why don't you draw on your butt?" He said, "No." And then he drew on it.

Did you help him?

No. His arms are long enough to reach his butt.

But how did he see what he was doing?

I don't know. He probably looked in a mirror.

Do you think you would draw on your own butt?

I've already got a person living on my belly. So, I don't need a person on my butt.

I have no further questions.

(I call Raisins in.)

I just want to ask you a few questions.

Why?

Because I like talking to you.

Okay.

Is there a drawing on your butt?

Lux did it.

How did he draw it?

He just drew it.

What did he draw?

A face on my butt.

And what does it look like?

(Raisins turns around and starts pulling down his pants. I stop him.)

Okay, okay. And whose idea was it to draw the face on your butt?

Lux.

What did he say when he came up with the idea?

He said let me draw on your butt.

And what did you say?

I don't know.

What did you say?

No!

Then how did it get on there?

Uh... it was just a random thing when I was sleeping.

You think he did it while you were sleeping?

HE DID!

Here's the interesting part. He says that you did it.

I didn't.

Tell me the truth. Did you draw the face on your own behind?

No. Lux did it.

Okay. I'm bringing him back in here.

( I call Lux back in.)

Raisins says YOU drew the face on his butt.

But I didn't!

One of you isn't telling the truth. Who drew the face? For real.

Lux: Not me.

Raisins: Not me.

Lux: It was him!

Raisins: No it wasn't! It was my brother!

No one is in trouble. I just want to know who did it.

Raisins: We both did it.

Lux, is that true?

Raisins: OKAY! I DID IT MYSELF!

How did you see what you were doing?

Raisins: I looked in the mirror.

Lux: HA! I WAS RIGHT!

Which mirror?

Raisins: The one in the hallway.

Lux: HA! HA! I told you!

Raisins, show me.

(Raisins runs down the hall, bends over in front of the mirror and demonstrates how he drew the face.)

Do you have anything else you'd like to say before we close this case?

Raisins: In my world, you are the King of Butts.

Thank you. I'm also the King of Time-outs. So watch it.

My wife just sent me to the store with these bags.

Thank you, Sweetie! These will be perfect. So much room for my Vagisil. Thank you.

I'm still in the process of moving everything over to The Sneeze's new web host.  If you see any weirdness, that's why.  But the fact that you're even reading this post is at least a good sign.

(The comment pop-up isn't working.  Looking into it.)

The auction for the Tree Brain Tiki Mug has begun.

Forgive the recap, but for those who are new to this-- a crazy fungus that looks like a big orange brain grows every Sept. on the tree in front of my house. We like to celebrate its arrival here on the site and it has also inspired our giant theoretical rock band.

Tiki Mug superhero, Henrik Van Ryzin of vantiki.com, agreed to sculpt a tiki mug in the tree brain's honor. He made two -- one for me and one to be auctioned off.

The time for the auction has come.

This is a special 1-of-2-of-a-kind piece of art. It was even the star of its own featured video on YouTube. Sure we're in a recession, but why put your money in a bank for 0% interest when you could put it into a pretty mug?

Additionally, the owner of this mug and I will share an everlasting bond, as he or she becomes my Tiki Brother or Tiki Sister FOR LIFE. (Or until one of my shitty kids breaks my mug.)

In 2006 a Jackson Pollock painting sold for $140 million -- and you can't even fill it with pineapple juice and booze.

Click here for the auction and to read the mysterious native legend of the Tree Brain Idol.